Joining you....and questions. Loss at 26 weeks

cmenasco

Sorry if this is a re-post from MC/Pregnancy Loss, but I just found this board and might feel better here...just looking to have ladies to talk to.  At my 20 week ultrasound we found that my little girl had cyst in the brain and a SUA.  Dr. said not to worry and these things can be normal, but will recheck at 28 weeks.  Well last weekend I didn't feel her moving so went in to be checked.  No heartbeat on Ultrasound and she had passed.  Test are still pending for genetic issues, but I still feel like I am in some horrible dream and can't wake up.  It's been 5 days and I have good times of not crying but will then break down balling.  I know it's going to take time, but it hurts so bad to lose her.  I have a healthy 19 mo old son that has kept me sian and makes me smile every day, so that helps.

 Any suggestions on the pain of your milk coming in?  My came in and my boobs hurt so bad, it even hurts to pick up my son, they are so sore.

How did you go back to work??  I am scheduled to go back on Monday (one week off) and I am so scared of all the looks, hugs, people saying sorry.  I don't want to cry all day at work.  

Thank you so much ladies, I know NOBODY wants to be on this board, but I'm glad we can all talk about it, as it really helped just typing this all down.  Thanks. 

eroplane

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. You will be surrounded by friends here. 

I pumped for several days while the babies were in NICU so some of the other ladies might have better suggestions since I mainly just cut back pumping over a week or two.

I have heard it helps to wear a snug sports bra, avoid any stimulation to your breasts, and avoid showers where the warm water directly hits your chest. I have also seen mentioned that cold lettuce leaves placed in your bra helps with discomfort.  

Is there anyway you can get FMLA or use vacation to get some more time before work? Most doctors will write an excuse for 4-6 weeks. Returning to work will be hard. Some people will avoid you, some will say stupid things, and some will be supportive. People generally don't know how to respond and some will surprise you, both good and bad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to talk (or not talk) about your daughter. Whatever helps you get through the day is fine. There is no normal or guide.  

I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you found us. Big hugs.  

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl and that you are joining us here. The women on this board are amazing and. Wry supportive. I hope you find some comfort here.

 As for your milk coming in, try frozen cabbage leaves and sage drops. Because I breast fed my daughter, my milk stuck around for a bit longer, but being religious about changing the leaves when they wilt and taking the drops will help to alleviate the pain.

In regards to going back to work, I agree with previous posters about trying to get some more time off. You still gave birth to a baby and need for your body to heal. I found that also needed the time to grieve. 

((hugs to you)) 

justellabella

So sorry lost my son at 26weeks 2, they gave me pills to stop milk production,so no pain, About work, I agree with other posters you need more than a week off...Good luck for going back and remember people say stupid things and do stupid things, try not to take it too personaly, for your own sanity *GIANT HUG*

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl.  I hope that you find the support that you need from the women on this board.  I find that often they are the only people who can understand me when it comes to the process of healing from my loss.

I delivered my son at 31 weeks and my milk did come in.  I didn't really do anything special to help with the pain.  Ice packs when I could and a supportive bra.  To be honest, it was more painful emotionally than it was physically, to know that I should be feeding my son, not grieving his death.

One week off of work seems like very little to me.  As PP said, you still gave birth, even if you didn't bring home a baby.  You're body needs to time to heal.  I started light exercise after a week and it cause a huge set back in my physical healing (bleeding became very heavy again, fever, major cramping, etc.)  It really took about three weeks before my body started to feel like it was getting back to normal.  Is there any way your dr. could get you a little more time off?  

I'll be thinking of you in the upcoming days.  T&P to you and your family!

Mrs Nice

I am so sorry for your loss of your daughter. Did you name her?

As PPs have suggested, wear tight sports bras with cabbage leaves to help with your milk. Also, avoid hot water hitting your chest in the shower. Do not pump, as this will tell your body to produce more milk, and then will take longer to dry up. 

Going back to work will be very hard but it can also help to take your mind off things. I went back after two weeks off  bc I couldnt just sit at home and stare at the sympathy cards any longer. The first couple days will be rough will the looks, hugs, etc. but then things will go back to normal (for other ppl). It's okay to cry. If you need to let it out, go ahead. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

I am so sorry you have joined us here but also glad that you have. I hope we can help bring you some comfort and support during this devastating time.

Big hugs to you! 

ally2011

I only have a quick minute right now - but wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  I also wanted to say, that your doctor can write you out for longer.  I took 6 full weeks and needed every one.  Do not feel pressured to go right back if you can stay out longer.

We are all here for you as much as you need us.

Hugs,

Jenn 

dandywarhol

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. Did you name her? Grief is a roller coaster ride, there will be highs and lows and plateaus. Know that this is normal and that we all grieve in our own ways. I'm glad that you have your little boy to love on.

Tight sports bras worked best for me when my milk came in. I've heard that Ibuprofen and cabbage leaves help with the pain and to stop the milk but I haven't tried them personally. I have a friend who lost her daughter at around 36 weeks. Her breasts were so painful that she would take warm baths and allow her breasts to soak in the water to release a little of the pressure.  

I took 2 weeks of after the loss of my daughter at 21w. I just lost another baby at 16w and took a little over a week for this one. I'm not sure of your job or financial situation but if you need more time that a week don't be afraid to ask for it. After my 21w loss I spoke with my boss and asked to come in half days for a start to not put too much pressure on myself. From there I told him that I would try to work full days but if things got to be too much I might have to leave without much warning. He was very understanding.  I'm not sure of your work environment but you might also want to send an e-mail or speak to your boss/co-worker and have them tell the rest of your co-workers how you want to handle the situation. Do you want to talk about the loss or not? Do you want to share on your own time? I think it can be helpful to you (to reduce your anxiety) and the others (to reduce their uncomfortableness) to know how to handle the situation.

One final thing, when I was looking for advice when I was returning to work, I read one woman's suggestion that she allowed herself 3 cries at work before she would opt to go home. Having that "rule" or allowance made it easier to give herself permission to go home and deal with her grief.

I wish you peace and calm as you go through this difficult, horrible time. Please know that we are here for you.

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. We all understand the feeling of being in a horrible dream and not able to wake up. For the first couple of weeks, I would wake up and instantly flash back to the moment the doctor said our daughter no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't want to face the world. I am glad you have your son to keep you going.

I went back to work after 10 days. It was tough, but I have some close coworkers at the office who helped me get through it. The hardest part for me was having people want things from me. I just felt like no one should expect anything from me, but I was at work, so they did. The worst for me was the people who didn't acknowledge what happened. I wasn't really prepared for that. I know that few people know how to act when something this tragic happens, but it seems like it's on the grieving mother to teach and/or make excuses for everyone and it can be hard. I did cry in the bathroom a couple of times a day, and people were respectful of that. Once or twice I just needed to leave, so I did. My boss is very understanding, thankfully. 

Again, I'm so sorry you have to join us here. I hope you can find some support here as I have.

BootsOrHearts

I'm so sorry about your little girl. That is heartbreaking. I don't have any good advice except to tell you that I've been where you are and it does get better over time.

As far as work goes, I told my boss what happened and asked her to tell anyone and everyone so I wouldn't have to. That worked pretty well, although there were still a few work friends who hadn't heard through the grapevine and it was brutal. I did it over email or IM to save my heart a bit.

Take it easy over the next few months, rely on your family and friends to do things for you and to listen when you need to talk or cry. And of course, we're all here for you too! 

nuttycoconut

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby girl. 

I don't have any new advice to give you because I agree with the previous posters' advice about cold cabbage leaves, tight sports bras, and not putting warm water on your boobs. Also, my BFF came over with these little gel circles that she bought for me at babies r us that I put in the fridge or freezer and could put inside my bra. The cabbage starts to smell funny so I preferred the gel packs when I was around people.

I totally agree that you should be written out of work as long as your dr will allow. I took 8 weeks off and needed every minute for the physical aspect of giving birth, follow up appointments, and most of all, emotional grieving and healing. I had problems with memory, motivation, anxiety, etc and I can't imagine having to function in a professional environment after just one week. I am "fine" now emotionally most of the time but it took time, therapy, medication, support group, and just letting myself fall apart. Try not to rush through everything.  Good luck to you throughout this incredibly difficult journey. Please post anytime! 

cmenasco

Thank you all for the suggestions and support!!  You are all amazing!!

 As far as work, I'm sure I could take what ever time I need off (have an awesome boss) but I am having a hard time sitting at home and trying to keep busy.  I am hoping it will help me feel better, but well see how it goes, if needed, I will just take more time. 

The hardest part I think is going to be in 4 weeks when my brother is getting married.  We will have over 200 people there that are super close friends and family and I think that is going to be so hard to see everybody....maybe by then, it will be easier.

Thank you girls again, and I'm sure I will have more questions or post coming soon....it really helps to talk to people who have been through it 

foxxy1

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. Please know you're among friends here and you can be yourself. 

My milk came in about two days later. I wore tight bras and it dried up about a week or so later. As far as work is concerned, I went back to work pretty immediately (two weeks later) but that was just to get me out of the home and to stay busy. I was given six weeks off and in hindsight, I wish I took those six weeks.

I say do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Also, this link below might help you:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66361040.aspx 

sloannmark

I'm so sorry that you have to be here =(

Going back to work was definitely difficult/scary. It seemed like the women knew what to do (it actually felt good for them to come into my office and cry with me for a bit), but it was more awkward with the men in my office. Remember if you cry at work, that ok. People will understand.