Pardon the rambling..I just need to get this out there....

julesverne

Let me apologize ahead of time if I ramble and if none of this makes sense or has no point;

Why is it that the most random things can dump a whole bunch of salt in a wound? Last weekend, my friend called and told me that her and her husband are buying a house, and better yet they will be living right up the road from us. I am thrilled that she will be living closer, and we can see each other more often.

But as soon as the phone call ended, I got depressed and jealous. While all our friends are buying houses and renovating them, me and my little family are renting a 2 bedroom duplex with no plans (or real means) to move anywhere else.

Here's where this is all get related to our loss. When DH and I first got married, we were both working decent jobs, making decent money, on the right track for the "american dream". Our plan was to have a baby, save a little money and buy our own little corner of the world. Fast forward to 1/25/08..Jack had just died, we were driving home from the hospital, and DH says to me that he needs to do something with his life..he wants to make his little boy proud of him..he wants to go back to school. And just like that, DH enrolled in college, and became a full time student, working just on the weekends, and our plans went out the window.

It just frustrates me that 1 little event (ok, so the birth and death of a child is not a "little" event) can throw our plans so totally off. I am so proud of DH for going back to school, and he is doing so well, and will likely graduate in 2 years or so. But in the meantime, the lives and plans of all our friends are all going according to plan, without the slightest hiccups.

It's not the house that I am jealous of..I know a house is just a building-the people in it make it a home..but it just makes me sad that life isn't going the way I had planned it. Why couldn't Jack have been born healthy? That was how it was suppose to go..It wasn't in my plans for life to bury my first born child (or any child for that matter)

Why is it that there are some people that seem to never struggle, that things just always go well for them (all our friends and family).....and there are some people that have to fight for everything they got (me)?

Ok..rambling (pity party) over.

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.  One thing I've learned from losing baby Gary is that there is no "plan".  This is EXTREMELY difficult for me to accept because up until 7 months ago my whole life was one big, well organized, carefully filed, i's dotted, t's crossed plan.  Now I'm beginning to realize that any plan I thought I had for life was laughable because none of it mattered one bit.  My son still died.  That's it.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that we lost our babies.  It's not fair that other people never seem to struggle.  It's not fair that we ultimately have no say in some of the most important parts of our lives.  I wish that I had good advice for you, but I struggle with this, too.  I hope that things start to settle down for you soon and that you soon feel like you're back on the right track.  And, as you said you are, you should be proud of DH!  What he's doing (and what you're helping him to do) is brave and admirable.  Sending T&P for a little good luck to be sent your way! 

justellabella

My bff is having twins nxt month, boy and girl, bought new roomier cars and buying new house all this after getting promotion to technically being my boss. I've never been a jealous person but agree with you, its hard to be ok with drawing the short straw. Here's praying we all get some well deserved, GOOD LUCK and we can kick green eyed monster to the curb