Question about communication

dholsapp

Hi everyone. Mostly a lurker here but  I had a question about communication once matched with BM. On Monday DH and I were told that we were chosen by a mother. We were told to call her that night and were able to meet her and her mom on Tuesday. Things went really well at the meeting and I called our lawyers on wed. To ask where we go from here. I was pretty much told it was just completely up to us on how much we want to communicate for here on out. I do have BMs phone number and have texted her once already after we met just saying thanks and how excited we are, but now I'm not sure where to go for here. I don't want to overwhelm her but I also know that she is really shy and probably not going to reach out to us and I want her to know we would like t be as involved as she wants us to be throughout the pregnancy. Any suggestions how to approach this? 

kmkaull2

I'd maybe give her a few days and then call and express exactly what you said here: you'd love to be supportive, but want to give her the space she needs.  Ask her directly if she's thought about the support she'd like--more visits, doctors appointments, phone calls, etc.  Perhaps just having that conversation will break the ice. Let her know this is new territory for you too. 

Our son's bm is shy as well.  I actually communicated more with her mom.  I texted/emailed bm about once a week and in time she started initiating more contact.  It is a relationship like no other, isn't it?   Good luck!!

jenbabe

I think every situation is different.  Even though we will have an open adoption our agency is still involved at this point.  Not sure when they will let us exchange numbers and communicate without the social worker involved.  I really wish they would though because I feel like they are hindering our relationship.  But I know they have their reasons.  Everytime I've tried to ask for an update they either don't call  me back at all or like today the social worked texted me "doing fine".  I've been in a bad mood about it all day, I need more details than that!  We are so close to due date and just wish I could talk directly to our birthmom.  Who knows what the birthparents are thinking, probably that I don't care about how they are doing or what's going on. 

If she is shy she may be more comfortable with texting than phone calls.  I would just send her a message once and a while asking how she's doing and give her the chance to open up when she's ready. 

Dr.Loretta

I'd straight up ask her how she envisions things going and how much communication she wants. Then take the conversation from there.

silliestbunny

Agreeing with Dr. L.

 If you are close enough, perhaps another in person meeting or a phone call to ask her what she wants as far as communication support.... assuming you are fine w/it.

DD2s BM and I would have a text-a-thon at least one night ever week.  Once in a while we'd speak on the phone but for the most part we text'd... which I am not big on but I followed her lead. 

IRR

Congrats on your match!  We just met our birthparents last week.  We discussed with them how much they wanted us to communicate.  We left it open that we would check in every couple of weeks or so or if they wanted to call us at any time we were open to that.  I haven't reached out to them yet since we are back, but I know our lawyer has spoken to them.  I may give a call on Sunday just to say hi.  Just didn't want to be on top of them at this point.  Best of luck.  When is she due?

dholsapp

Thanks for the feedback! I think I will wait until Monday and then text her and just let her know that we would like to be as involved as she is comfortable with. It is a relationship like no other... and really no one around me has ever been through so I don't have many places to turn to for advice. Since we are using lawyers and not an agency they don't facilitate really any of this part, it is just left between all of us. Thanks again for the advice!