Sorry so long...saying goodbye to my VBAC

nekorayne

I'm sorry, I know this may not be the best place to put this because I don't want to bring anyone down when you are trying for your VBAC but I just need to get this out.I'm sorry this is long. I don't really know where to put this.

I wrote a month or so ago that I probably would not be able to get my VBAC due to my upside down T scar from DS. I did a lot of research and found a midwife group that is hospital base who is VERY VERY well known for doing VBAC in odd situations. I joined a special scar group and I had some hope. I thought there would be a small chance because of what I read.

I had my first actual appointment to talk to the midwife and they confirmed that with my scar and situation that I would have to have another c-section. They are very well known for VBAC and so it was confirmed by someone I trust at least. The good thing is unlike my old OB they will not make me have it at 36 weeks unless absolutely necessary, I can have it at 39 weeks.I am happy to atleast have the chance to go that far.

When she told me I could feel myself losing it. I promised myself not to cry and I held it back and pretended everything was ok. I knew that the chance of VBAC was slim but it still hurts to know I will never have one for sure. I had tears in my eyes and my husband kept holding my hand knowing I was not ok. A few minutes later during talking about medical history I lost it. I just broke down and started bawling. I explained that I knew it was the best thing for me and the baby.I said I was sorry...that I had no reason to be upset, etc..Basic blubbering mess. Embarrassing in a way.

The midwife was so sweet and told me her heart goes out to me. She told me not to apologize and that I had every right to be upset.  But then she said the words I hate to hear.."your ultimate goal should be to have a healthy baby and a healthy you." I hate when people say this. Of course that is my ultimate goal! Does it mean that it hurts any less? No.I FEEL BROKEN!!!

My last c-section was a horrible experience. I had severe toxemia and was on MAG for not only hours before my c-section but for a day or two after. When they did the c-section they did not tell me when he was out or even when they had begun surgery. I threw up the whole surgery and was still throwing up when I finally got to hold him. I could not eat for days and I reacted badly to the medication and spent all my time after DS was born throwing up. I actually threw up on him at one point! I threw up on DH as well. LOL we were all covered in throw up.  I was in the hospital for at least 4 nights and most of that was spent away from the floor that was for new mothers and on a recovery floor with nurses who were not used to dealing with women with babies and literally freaked out anytime they saw me doing anything at all. I had PPD and he had weight gain issues. It was just very hard.But worth it, I am crazy about our son.

 To top it all off DH and I had our heart set on natural birth and had gone to all of the classes and practiced, we were ready. I am such a firm believer in natural birth with no medication that the fact that I will never experience it just feels so sad to me. It is more then a birth experience, I am scared of the after math and taking care of a toddler and newborn plus all the stuff that happened last time. 

Anyways, the midwife went on to say that she promised that they would be in the room with me when I had my c-section so that they could let the surgeon focus on me and they could make sure I still had a good birth experience and that I was a strong women and could do it again. I would have more choices with this planned c-section as well. She also said that she understood I was grieving in a way, the loss of the natural birth with both kids. I have never even had real labor. I really did like her.

I am considered high risk and they want to do lots of 24 hour urine's and keep me very update on tests and such. The good news is that she had my results form the tests they did at my nurse appointment and she said they were PERFECT and my blood pressure was spot on. We got to hear the heart beat, YAY! I have to be back in first thing Monday morning with my first 24 hour urine and for more blood test. I am a bit nervous about all the testing on top of the regular stuff and I know I have to really exercise and focus on a high protein diet to help me so I don't get preeclampsia again and all of that. I know my risks of uterine rupture and all of that. I am happy to be healthy so far and the baby looks great!

I keep randomly crying though. It feels stupid. My DH is very supportive and keeps trying to remind me that it is not just about the birth I want....I will have the baby and that is what matters. I agree but to me it is more then that!  I tried to call my mom and she really just made me feel worse. She just said that I was sending bad messages out into the world and I needed to quite being sad about stupid stuff like natural birth and just be happy. She TRIED to be supportive but she just has trouble with it.  I am happy...I really am..but I think that now that it is official I should have a few hours to grieve before I move on!I will be fine..I just need a small amount of time.

Anyways, I figured since we are all are here with hopes to have a VBAC that you ladies would understand why I am upset. I really am happy about having a healthy baby but still scared and sad.

MAprincess

Don't feel bad for posting this here, it's exactly where it belongs!  I'm sorry that you have to grieve the loss of a VBAC option for you but it sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive midwife that will help you through this entire pregnancy and delivery.  I really believe she is going to help you have a much calmer and more controld RCS so you can enjoy the experience a bit more.

If you ever need to vent, you are still very much welcome here.  I totally understand that it may take a while for you to be ok with the fact that this decision was made for you.

GypsyEsq

I'm so sorry   I know the Harris Midwives are great and have a super reputation but it might be worth a consult with Dr. C, just to be sure you truly have no other option.  But you know, even if you elect to not consult with Dr. C it's ok because I think we all sort of have to come to the realization/acceptance at some point that we may not get the VBAC we want.  Some may disagree with me but this pregnancy for me has been a roller coaster of "no VBAC, yes VBAC, no VBAC" and every time I find myself a little more at peace with the idea that whatever happens at least this time I won't be as surprised by the cesarean birth and in that way I can be more prepared, more in control (as much as one can be) and more in the moment.

babyike

(((HUGS))) to you, and of course you are always welcome to post here!  This board was created to be an informative and supportive environment for women who have c/s, have questions about VBAC, are planning a VBAC, and all things related to c/s and VBAC options.  

And I agree with Gypsy, that if you haven't met with Cummings yet it might be worth your time.  He's in Denton, so I don't where that it in relation to your location in the Dallas area.  But I've heard wonderful things from ladies on other boards (mothering.com, etc).  

Take all the time you need to grieve this loss.  There is no shame in feeling sad about something that you longed for and were planning.  Yes, we all have the "healthy baby, healthy mom" goal, but that does not and should not discount our feelings when it comes to how we want to birth.  Be gentle with yourself and maybe even make a visit to your local ICAN group for support.   

nekorayne

Thanks everyone. I really considering trying out Dr. Cummings. We are a one car family in Fort Worth and I worry about getting back and forth frequently once my appointments are close together. Maybe I still should try. Thanks for all of the support, I guess i just need it right now. I really appreciate it. I have a great group of mom friends but most of them have had my dream births (at home water births) and I just don't feel i can get the support I need right now from them. Your well wishes really helped.

nosoup4u

Oh gosh, I'm sorry that you had such a crummy first birth - my experience was very similar, but my son was hospitalized himself, and we were separated for a few days. It sucked really really bad, I definitely know the feelings you described.

I'm sorry you can't VBAC - it sounds like your MW is super-great, and that's really awesome she will be there for your next baby's birth. Is there an ICAN group near you? Maybe talking to some women IRL would help, too. Planning what you want with your c/s will hopefully go a long way with feeling better about the baby's birth, too.

ETA: It sounds like it would be worth meeting with the local doctor - don't worry about logistics at this point, bc they will work themselves out.

HeiferBaby

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible cs experience and I totally understand your feelings on the no vbac news. While my cs way in no way as horrible as yours, it was earth shattering for me, I still cry about it 2 years later. I just feel that something was taken from me and I will never get that back. Im envious of other moms that have 'normal' vaginal births. I can't watch baby story without being jealous. I don't have any advice but just wanted to tell you that your not alone!

hermione76

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. I agree with the other ladies that you should def post here. I lurk most of the time, but this board is full of such amazing women. You are not alone in the way that you feel, and you should not feel ashamed that you feel that way.

mommy2jay

i'm usually just a lurker on here - hoping for VBAC myself.  I am glad you shared your story with us and I am so sorry you may have to have a repeat c/s.  I know personally I would feel exactly like you do.  sending you hugs and good thoughts

 

nicoletteb1985

Did you talk to your doctor about a different anesthesia and some nausea medication? I was also sick (not as sick as you were) my first c section, and this time around I told the doctor I want the strongest dose of nausea medication through my iv for two days and through surgery.  I am keeping my options open for a vbac but I feel like my issues before will not allow it, so I am preparing myself. An ice pack on the back of the neck also helps, so ask for that through surgery and after, it may help lessen the bad experience for you. You can also ask your doctor to see your baby before they have to bathe him/her and do the tests they usually do when they are newborns.

terri_doula2010

Thank you for posting this and I wish you all the luck in the world that your next c-section is a more positive experience than your first. I agree: I hate when people tell me, "the important thing is healthy baby" blah blah blah. It just doesn't help.

If you don't know about ICAN, you should look for a local chapter and start going to meetings. it has really helped me process my c-section and I've gotten good info on "family-centered c-sections" just in case I have to go through another one.