Insensitive family member?

littleMissMeggers

I hate to post something negative since I'm new here, but I'm looking for advice on a weird situation that happened. This is kinda a long one...

My daughter was stillborn at 34 weeks and we had a visitation and funeral service for her the week after she passed. We invited all of our family and close friends to the visitation.  Anyways, the wife (we'll call her S) of my husband's cousin decided to bring her 3 month old newborn daughter there.  I had no idea she was bringing her.  Apparently she had asked my MIL if it was okay to bring her and my MIL had asked DH if it was okay. He failed to ask me and see if I'd be okay with it and went ahead and told her it would be okay. That's not the worst part though.  During our daughter's visitation, S came up to us and just shoved her baby into DH's arms and said "here, hold her" and laughed.  I was so surprised that I didn't know what to do. Then she asked me if I wanted to hold her baby. I couldn't be rude so I said sure and felt so awkward and embarrassed since my family was across the room wondering what the heck was going on.  I guess I'm just confused and hurt by the fact that she thought it was okay to bring a newborn baby girl to a wake for a newborn baby that had passed (I give her credit for asking, but was she really expecting DH's family to tell her no?). I think it's so insensitive toward me. It's caused a lot of ripples between me and my husband too.  He didn't get why I was so upset afterwards and said as far as he's concerned all babies just want to be loved and held.  Well, it's not that I have anything against her baby, it's just that I wanted that day to be about our daughter and I figured that someone who just gave birth 3 months beforehand would understand how terrible it would be to have something like that ripped from your hands. Me and my husband have since come to agreement on this.

 I'm not very close with S even though we're about the same age. She's always treated me kinda different from the other girls in the family, which I never understood and it kinda adds to the reason why I feel angry about this.  She's always acted like she dislikes me especially when something great happens to me. For example, at me and DH's wedding reception she never once said congratulations, didn't get us so much as a card, and when I went up to her to say hi and mingle she totally blew me off.  That's just one example of how she's treated me in the past.  But DH is really close with her husband so I feel like I kinda have to get along with her.  Do you think I should confront her about what she did at my daughter's wake or should I just let it go?  I'm not sure what good confronting her would do, since the damage has been done, but maybe she doesn't know that she did something wrong?  I really don't know how to approach this since I don't wanna make things worse.  My friends say that I have every reason to be mad but I'm not sure if they're just telling me that because they think I'm fragile right now.  So please give me some honest advice and you won't be hurting my feelings : )

lrichmond86

First off, let me say that you are a better woman than I!  There is no way in h*ll I would have been able to hold a baby that was thrust into my arms so soon after our loss.  I'm so sorry that you experienced this!  It's so hard to see babies after a loss like yours, let alone at your daughter's funeral.  It was incredibly insensitive of her to even ask to bring her daughter.  You have every right to be angry and hurt by it.  The sad fact is that unless you have lost a child, you just don't get it.  I've lost several friends since our loss because they just can't relate to me any more.  People are clueless.  DH's cousin had a son 3 months after we lost our son and asked DH to be the godfather.  So last Sunday we had to go to the baptism.  It was so hard to see DH holding a little boy that wasn't ours, but of course other people don't see it that way.

As far as your DH goes, he sounds a lot like mine.  My DH thinks that it's silly of me to be upset by other babies because, as he says, "after what we've been through I would expect you to understand how precious and joyful every healthy birth is".  It's hard for him to understand the very conflicting emotions that I have about babies... that I am happy for our friends and would NEVER wish this kind of loss on anyone, but that every baby reminds me of the one I had to bury.  I think maybe this is true of your DH, too?  Men and women grieve SO differently.  It's taken DH and I seven months to come to a place where we are able to let each other grieve in our own ways without pressuring the other to do it their way, and we still struggle with this at times.  The best advice that I can give you is to be patient with both DH and yourself.  It takes a long time, but it does get a little easier as time goes on and you learn how to live in your new life.  DH keeps telling me that he just wants things to go back to normal, and I keep reminding him that this IS our normal now.  Sending you big hugs and T&P today!  

Carolee

That is incredibly insensitive of her.  As bad as it was, I probably wouldn't confront her either.  Sadly, I've learned that many times people have NO idea how to act/what to say/do after a loss like we've experienced.  I'm not excusing what she did at all, because it was unthoughtful, but I don't know that confronting her would do anything.  I'm sorry that happened.

Heatherhah

I think you have every right to be upset and angry I would have been so mad I would have sad something right then an there but I am like that.

I think if you say something now it just won't matter to her after the fact I mean some people just don't think what can and can't hurt us . Us being people who have lost Children they just don't get it EVER!! No good will come from confronting her now in my opinion but maybe some day int he future if you are at a family function you can mention ho whurt you were and that you didn't appreciate what she did by bring her baby to your daughters wake. People don't think!!! I am so sorry that you have to think about this woman.

I also think that you have so much on your plate delaing with the loss of your sweet baby that worrying about this woman isn't helping you heal. I say forget her and move on from her (the woman I mean ). She sucks!!   

Heather

jbranden12

Wow I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I still cannot even look at pictures of babies, forget about holding one!  I'm glad your DH has come to understand why it was so hurtful, but I will echo the other ladies and say that sometimes DH doesn't understand why other people getting pregnant or having babies makes me so sad/angry/bitter. He gets that it hurts because it reminds me of Patricia, but I don't think he fully understands.

While to some extent I feel that people who have suffered a loss like ours should have free reign to do WHATEVER we want and not have to apologize, I do not think you should confront her. If she is so insensitive and/or cruel to do that, you confronting her is probably not going to change her attitude or make her apologize. It will only hurt you more to add another painful experience with her. I would be civil, but avoid avoid avoid for a while. Again, *hugs* and I'm so sorry that happened.

Bayberry12

Oh this horrible she sounds so self absorbed and oblivious to other peoples feelings.  One of the first things the therapist we met with said was that I was going to see pregnant women and babies everywhere, and it was going to be really hard.  So, at least my husband was sensitive to that and understood when I couldn't handle some situations.

It's good that things are out in the open with your husband and you were able to come to an agreement.  I also think it might not be best to confront her.  She wont get it.  But I would probably try to limit my time spent with her. 

asglover514

Honestly I'd talk to her, yes it could make things worse but she needs to understand that it was insensitive and wrong to basically force her baby upon you when you just lost yours.

I had a similar situation and it has not been forgotten I'm sure. My step-mom was planning on bringing my step-brothers to the funeral (unruly, wild, disrespectful kids who were the cause for any and all stress during my pregnancies because I would get stuck watching them and they treat everyone like pure sh*t including their own mother). When she brought up getting them clothes my FI bluntly told her that he did not want them there because they've never shown him respect so he didn't expect them to respect his son. She was hurt but it was a mutual feeling between me and my FI. Unfortunately her niece's mom didn't get the memo and brought her niece (12) who was running around and screaming and trying to play around and get attention. In doing that she hit the table Aaron's basket was sitting on multiple times and I almost killed that little girl.

You have every right to be mad, and every right to tell her what she did was wrong. Will she be hurt? Probably, but it's not about her. She made you uncomfortable at your own daughters wake, it's about you and your DH. If it were me I'd make her understand how you felt. 

Maybe that makes me a horrible person but I know I've gotten a lot meaner and don't tolerate as much since my loss. 

MeggM1

First, I'm so sorry about your loss. Brenna is such a sweet name. Second, do NOT worry about being negative or venting here! Please feel free.

If someone has really hurt me in regards to something they have said or done (or not done) since our daughter's loss, I weigh my expectations before talking to them. I learned this from experience. I would go to someone and tell them that their actions hurt me, and some people were extremely apologetic and wanted to make things right. Unfortunately, that has been the exception and not the rule. Even though I'm very careful in how I approach people, I've been met with defensiveness and blame shifting. I am extremely thinned skinned, so on several occasions this has all but broken me. Now I just think about if whatever I'm going to say is worth saying regardless of the outcome, or if someone isn't receptive to what I'm saying is that going to make it worse? Therapy has been my outlet to hash things out and that has been incredibly helpful.

Regardless of whether or not you talk to S, please know that that could not have been more insensitive and your feelings, even if you never get to voice them to her, are completely justified. 

weddedwife

Yes I do think it was incredibly insensitive of her. That said, she did ask permission and was told it was okay which is unfortunate.

In my opinion, the damage is done so there's really no point in bringing it up. She still won't "get it", and it's not going to suddenly turn her into a sensitive person. I would just try to limit my exposure to her as much as possible. 

luv1n_autumn@hotmail.com

Hi.

 I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. I don't want to take the attention from you, but I understand what you are going through. If you would allow me to share my story... On Jan. 16th 2012 I went to find out what my babies gender was and found out my baby had Trisomy 13 (first child). I carried my son Caleb till 31weeks and 6 days...I got to hold him in my arms on April 16th. Well needless to say when mothers day rolled around we had a few babies dedicated at church and it just hurt me to hear a baby cry... I was acknowledged by my pastor and they gave my husband and I a giftcard to spend some time together. Then on Fathers day someone else shared who is was very insensitive and never acknowledged my husband. It hurt me because we are a close knit community... I am also dealing with this person being insensitive and it bothers me so much. I may not have the best advise but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I hear you and I've realized that some people are plain dumb. I am sorry you have to deal with this when you have more serious things on your mind! I honestly just avoid certain situations which may not be as easy for you. I hope this made sense... But I respect you and I believe you handled yourself great You have every reason to be upset!!! But like you said the damage has been done. I think if the opportunity presents itself I would talk to her, but she doesn't seem to be the kind of person to understand..its called common sence. Last thing...Have you ever heard "don't cast your pearls before swine?" Bless you and I pray that God will bless you with a healthy happy baby

littleMissMeggers

Thank you for all of your advice and kind words.  I've been avoiding S since the incident happened, and it sounds like I should keep doing that.  I'll keep my distance from her when I see her at any family gatherings in the future.  Maybe she'll get the hint?  If I ever do work up the nerve then I might just say something to her about what she did, but I'll have to think through exactly what to say beforehand so maybe she'll understand instead of getting all defensive.  Although I think it's kinda common sense to not bring your newborn to a baby's wake.

Anyways, thanks again for all your advice, I do appreciate it

ally2011

That would eat me alive.  I am not in favor of confrontations for the sake of confrontations.  Or ones that result in more drama.  That said, I do not think there is anything wrong with addressing this, if for nothing else than to prevent it from happening again.  You have a long road of healing ahead of you and do not need this kind of stuff on top of that.  You can hold babies when you decide you want to...and it is fine for that to be a long time from now.  Quite frankly, I can just now hold them and feel mostly happy and not sad....and I didn't hold one at all with the exception of one time 5 months after my loss for the entire first year.  There are 2 babies from my church/family that are a month older than Grace should be and it is still hard for me to see them.  

Losing a baby is terrible, and if someone has not been through it, they can not understand.  I am sure some of her behavior was a result of just now knowing what to do or say.  Which is why I think it is perfectly within bounds to address it tactfully.  I am a fan of email for this kind of thing so that you can say what you want to, re-read/edit, be less emotional, and get it out without being cut off or sidetracked.

I think it is fine to let her know that bringing the baby to the wake really hurt you and, although you know she did not do it on purpose, you need her to know how very hard it was on you so that you don't hold on to it as you need to focus on healing.  I would also tell her that it may be hard to be around her baby for awhile, and that you understand from other loss moms that is perfectly normal and ok.   Tell her that you will be around the baby and hold the baby when YOU are ready, and to please respect that by not putting the baby in your face or trying to get you to hold it sooner.  That will not help.  

I think this can be done in a way that gets your points across and is not combative.  If she chooses to get upset, that is on her, don't engage her.  She needs to understand that you are a grieving mother right now and need to focus on your healing.  You can recommend the books Grieving the Child I Never Knew or Empty Cradle Broken Heart for her to read if she wants to try to understand a bit about what you are going through.

At Christmas we went to dinner with my childhood girlfriends.  One was 32 weeks pregnant, one was maybe 12 or so, one was 6 (she later had a mc), one was not but has a one year old.  And me.  Well, halfway through dinner (or sooner) the conversation turned to L&D stories being told to the one who was 32 weeks as it was her first.  It was really awful.  I got up and played with one of their 2 year olds so I would not have to listen, but my husband did not until later.  We were both in a terrible funk the rest of the night/weekend.  And I knew if I did not address it with the 2 I was closest with that I was going to stew on it and it was going to drive a wedge.  I did it in a "I know you didn't mean to but all the labor talk really caused a funk for us".  They were very apologetic and it was fine....but I thought they needed to know.  They are great friends, but that was really insensitive and I wanted them to think more in the future, not just for me, but for other loss moms as well.  

Anyway, I am really sorry you went through this. You have so far handled it with more grace than many of us would probably have been able to do....the initial shock/denial stage of grief can be a blessing and a protection.  And if you want to address this with her, I absolutely think you should and that in the long run it will help your healing.  My recommendation is email because conversations like this can be high-emotion and sometimes counter productive if you can't get through what you want to say fully....and email allows a chance for it to set in for her and gives her time to process what you are saying without reacting quickly.

I am sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter.

Hugs,

Jenn