Foster/Foster-to-Adopt Parents - Immediate and Extended Family

Blsd4given

Due to circumstances, MH and I have bounced from DIA to Foster-to-Adopt.  We've done so happily and we feel more comfortable and confident regarding Foster-to-Adopt.  I won't say we aren't still very nervous about some aspects...  We definitely are (at least, I am)... But we feel more at peace about it than we did DIA.  Last night, the PRIDE classes came up in a discussion... and with the look on my parents' faces, it occurred to us that we hadn't mentioned the change to them.  They're fully onboard with adoption.  Fostering... is another thing. 

They're nervous... scared of getting attached to have the child leave again... feeling that they'd hold back emotionally because of that... worried about the biological parents knowing where we live, etc... (Our SW assured us that the parents wouldn't know unless we wanted them to... But I've already seen a post on this site regarding information released without permission.  After TPR, my state does not allow contact.  My state also does not do open adoption.)  It's made me realize that we need to pray harder that this is the path for us.  My family is important to me... And their support throughout the process is important - for us and the child.

So... My question is... How does your family feel about you fostering?  How do they handle the loss when/if a child is returned home?  If they were nervous, how did you move forward initially?  And, how do you continue to handle those feelings with them?  Or did family concern redirect your path?

ctbride08

Our family had many of the same concerns, and probably more that were never voiced, but that didnt have any bearing on our decision to foster.  Honestly, fostering was a very strong calling for us and not much would have changed our decision to pursue it (and thank God for that seeing now where the path lead us!). 

But, I do think its wise to have open and honest conversations with family about their feelings and what your expectations for them are.  One of the things I experienced in my family was that certain people put up a wall and kept their distance for the sake of the children...they didnt want the kids to get too attached and then feel the loss if they were reunified.  Once they communicated that fear to me, I was able to share with them that teh research indicates that is so important for foster kids to attach, even if they will eventually reunify, because being able to attach once means they will be more successful at doing it in the future (the whole, "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" thing).

So, yes to open and honest conversations, but I'd try really hard not to let their fears (which are natural and normal) impact something you are passionate about.  Now, being on the other side of it all, i guarantee that despite initial hesitation and worries, everyone in my family is glad we chose the path we did.

elissaann26

We had to first figure out what we wanted.  And that was to become foster parents.  We did have some friends and family that were shocked by our decision.  And I think some people (that probably should say most people) just don't understand what that means.  So I found that we were doing a lot of educating.  Helping people understand that we will only take placements that we are comfortable with.  And that if things go really really REALLY bad, that we could call our SW and say "we can't do this".  FYI- We do not plan on ever doing this since we have set limits as to what situations we are comfortable with upfront.  But it is comforting to know that that option is there if you get in over your head.  But the county/state also provides tons of support because they realize that foster parents are probably not experts in dealing with children who have been through something bad.  Yes, we have found that the support may not to be as accessible as we would like, but if you are persistent it is there. Really, it is!

As for confidentiality.  Your information is supposed to be kept confidential.  I will say that if you a child 5 years or older, then they are going to know some of your personal information (last name, address if they had to learn that for school, maybe even phone number).  They may not understand the harm in telling their birth parents, but it can happen.  There is always going to be that risk when you are a foster parent.  You need to figure out what level of risk you are comfortable with.

Our information was disclosed without our consent.  Were we mad?  YES!  Was it the end of the world?  Not really.  We are HUGE proponents of shared parenting, which is strongly pushed in our county.  With shared parenting, eventually some of your information is going to need to be disclosed so that you can have the children call their birth parents and so you can keep in touch with them.  So while we were upset that it happened sooner than we liked, it wasn't the end of the world.  We did set strict rules about when we could be contacted to prevent calls at 3:27am- yes that did happen.  And we told everyone (SW's, GAL, birth parents) that if these rules were not followed then no phone calls would be answered until we felt comfortable opening up the lines of communication again.  After the rules were put into place we have had NO issues.

Also, when we accepted this placement we specifically asked about the birth parents.  Was safety an issue for us or the children?  How did the parents interact with the children?  Etc.  This way you know what type of situation you are getting yourself into.  And again you need to figure out ahead of time what type of risks you are and are not comfortable with.

As for family, some of them had a hard time accepting that they would be foster grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.  Honestly, I think that is to be expected.  We chose this path, they didn't.  It takes some time for them to wrap their head around the process and become comfortable with things.  And the more we explained why we were becoming foster parents, the more support we got.  Also, I think my blog really helped people learn about the system when they just don't know what kinds of questions to ask.  We will have some people who seem uncomfortable about the whole thing.  And that's ok.  We know that we made the right decision for us.  And we want to give these boys all the love and nurturing we can while they are with us.  A lot of our family got on board with this concept.  Yes, if they are reunited with their birth parents we will grieve the loss of them living in our house.  But is our hope that we will be able to stay in touch and still be a part of their lives.  And even if that doesn't happen (because it won't always), we know that we gave them an incredible 6 months/year/2years/however long while they were with us.

We discussed this for a LONG time while we were becoming licensed.  So please keep asking questions if you have them.  And if you'd like to chat privately feel free to email me at Redhead [at] RedheadinRaleigh [dot] com

Foster1Mom

Having a child leave our home is also my biggest fear. As much as we logically think about it and know that it will happen before we find our forever kids it is just so hard to wrap your head around. I do not think it is possible to prepare for it. We just have to keep in mind that it's God's plan for us not our plan.We can just love these kids as much as we can and give them what they need when they are with us.

For the families I keep stressing to them over and over that reunification is the goal. They are so excited and ready for more grand kids but I make it a point to tell them over and over about reunification.  They are probably tired of hearing it but I need to make sure they know it is out of our control and it's what is best for the kids not what we feel is best.

elissaann26

Foster1Mom:

For the families I keep stressing to them over and over that reunification is the goal. They are so excited and ready for more grand kids but I make it a point to tell them over and over about reunification.  They are probably tired of hearing it but I need to make sure they know it is out of our control and it's what is best for the kids not what we feel is best.

I completely ditto this!

JennaNAaron

My husbands family is really supportive, my family is not.  My parents had a bad experience as foster parents.  However they were fostering a teenager and our age range is 0-8. 

My mom has been very pessimistic, and even as we accepted our first placement this week she is still very pessimistic to the point that I don't want to talk to her.  She thinks our hearts will be broken (and yeah it'll hurt when they leave), but we'll love them like they are ours while they are here. 

 A lot of people don't understand...even as we got this placement I realized that many of our friends/extended family think this is a permanent thing.  They don't realize that it isn't. 

 Ultimately it's the decision of you and your husband. 

Blsd4given

Thanks for the responses, ladies.  ( I love reading your blogs, btw.  )  I guess the reactions just startled me... And as long as MH and I feel it's the way we should go (and are lead to go), we'll continue trucking down this path.... I hope they'll be excited when we get into the trenches..