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Working Moms
How do you know when it's time to find a new nanny?
Hi ladies,
I'm not on here much, but I've got a dilemma that I'd like some opinions on - figured you'd be a good group to ask. Our nanny has been with us now for almost 2 1/2 years. We have a 3 1/2 year old boy and a 21-month old girl - and we've got identical twin boys scheduled to arrive mid-September (surprise! we were going for #3 and got a bonus!). We want to keep the babies at home until they're at least 12 months old and at that point in time we're OK with them going to a daycare. (Our oldest 2 will be in preschool/daycare for 1/2 days after my maternity leave with the twins.)
So, I'll try to make this as brief as I can. Our nanny..sigh. She doesn't drive, but she used to always make sure the children got out of the house at least once per day to get a walk or play a little outside. She never turns on the TV and she does educational activities consistently with them. And I know she loves my children - I can at least tell that.
Over the past 8ish months, though, things have just been different. And within a few months of letting her know we were expecting twins, she announced that she was retiring from nanny-ing after us. She's never been one to extensively share her personal "stuff," but all personal talk has completely ceased (i.e., she avoids directly answering questions of a personal nature - such as "how was your weekend" or "what's new with your daughter" - I'm not asking anything terribly intrusive). And her attitude seems passive-aggressive, and almost like she doesn't "like" me (you know when you can tell someone doesn't care for you...). Every day it's like she's putting in her time and that's it, there's really not any connection to us as a family. I've tried asking her if everything is OK, she says everything is fine. She stopped taking the children out of the house, so I asked her to be sure she got them out of the house for at least 1/2 hour a day for some play time. That was met with excuses and, quite frankly, attitude. Actually, when I ask for anything (e.g., please be sure they have a vegetable on their plate with dinner - even though we all know they aren't going to touch it), it's met with resistance. My husband says she's lazy and she doesn't like being told what to do (so, at least I've got some confirmation that it's not just my pregnancy hormones that are making me feel that there's a problem!).
We are just really struggling with this because we at least know her, she loves our children, our children know and love her, and we only need a nanny for another 16-ish months. It's just...do we want to have someone in our home who's passive aggressive and not pleasant to be around?
I hope all this makes sense. Thanks for any thoughts or opinion on the subject!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do you know when it's time to find a new nanny?
Have you asked her if she wants to continue being a nanny for the twins? If her behavior changed after sharing the news I suspect she's not too thrilled of the additional responsibility. You may need to look for a new nanny entirely.
If the above has been communicated to her and she's on board then I would treat her like an employee. Verbal warning, written warning, termination when it comes to the important issues. If you are feeling generous, during the verbal warning I may ask if there are other circumstances outside of this job that is pre-occupying her mind you will need to consider.
Sounds like she's upset or frustrated that, if she stays with you, her workload is about to double. Or maybe she assumes that you plan to stay home after the twins are born. Whether it's because she thinks her job is in jeopardy or merely about to get a ton harder, or even knows she plans to quit soon, I am not surprised about the bad attitude.
I think it would be appropriate to change the child care arrangement when the new kiddos come, whatever that means for you practically. Do your older two attend any sort of pre-school?
Thank you for your response. Yes, we have asked her - and asked her if she would be OK with watching all 4 children at once, to which she responded that yes she's on board. It was after this question was posed that things changed. This is good advice. Thank you!
Thank you for all your responses! (I put up my 2nd post after just readng the 1st response.)
I definitely think she's frustrated about something, but I don't think it's the children. Apparently when I asked her if she'd be OK watching 4 children I didn't phrase the question appropriately, because she seemed to be quite offended and said she's watched more than 4 children before, she can handle it. (I had to clarify that I was not worried about her being able to handle it - I wanted to know if she wanted to do it.)
She works Monday through Thursday 8:30-5:30. When I go back to work, the 2 older children will be in preschool then come home and go straight up to nap, and won't be up until 2:30 - so she'll "only" have 3 hours per day with the 4 children. She is aware of this.
Over the last couple years with her, I've gleaned that she despises change and I also know that she does not like confrontation (so she will not communicate problems with me). So, knowing her, even if she's unhappy or frustrated, she won't quit, because that would be a change to her current routine. And, she won't communicate any issues even if I ask her about them.
Sigh...I'm afraid I'm coming to the decision I need to make...
You've talked to her, you've clarified what you meant, and she's STILL continuing w/ the attitude. Not taking your kids out? Not serving them what you want them to eat? Not cool. If she's only going to fight you, then time to move on.
If you want, sure, have "one more talk" and be clear that this isn't open for discussion - yo uwant the kids outside for a certain amount of time a day, and you expect her to follow your rules. If she can't do this, to please let you know so that you can make the appropriate decisions in regards to your childs care.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I was thinking the same thing...that maybe this is money related. Did you discuss what her compensation would be for taking on infant twins? Though that might explain her attitude, but not why she isn't following your rules for your LOs now.
If this seems to be relatively new behavior and things were going well prior to your announcement, I'd have a heart-to-heart. I'd say that things seem to have changed and you're getting the idea that she's not happy with your family any more. Does she vehemently deny this or does she not have much of a reaction? I would bring up her attitude, change in routine, etc. I think her response will let you know whether you can make it with her for another year or have to find someone else.
Could this friction be about salery? I know my BFF, a nanny, was offered a considerable pay increase when her employers found out they were going from one toddler to 3 Kids (twins) perhaps she is thinking that doubling the responsibility should = a raise?
I agree with this. You really don't need stress right now and that is what this situation is going to cause. Unless you can get her to tell you what's wrong, you are in for a long 16 months of being annoyed and let down.
Thank you everyone for your responses. In regard to salary, she will be getting a raise when I return to work from maternity leave and she is aware of this. Her child care responsibilities have actually decreased in the last few weeks as our son started preschool 1/2 days (so now, she's taking care of our daughter in the mornings and only has the 2 of them for 3 hours a day, as our son comes home from school and goes straight to nap).
I've tried to speak with her in the past about how she feels about her job - is she happy, etc? (Because I want to make sure we do our part as her employer to make sure she's happy.) And she got defensive about it, basically ending the conversation with "well, I'm doing my job, aren't I?" So, I tried to talk to her this morning, and approached it by asking how she thought things were going with the new routine we've established in the last couple weeks, asked if she had any input for us to consider. She got defensive and confrontational again. So I tried a different approach and told her we valued her opinion in how things are going and want to be sure she's comfortable with it all. Again, it went back to "well, I think I'm doing my job..."
So, I have no idea what she's thinking and don't know how to approach the topic without somehow offending her or making her defensive. I'm thinking it's time for us all to move on.
Sounds like time to find a new nanny. Honestly, I had no child care experience but taking care of infant twins was very hard for me and to put 2 older kids on top of that, oof. Everyone I know who has had the surprise twins for their 'third' kids had tons of family help & other people around to help, like sitters for the babies or older two while they cared for the other 2, etc. That is a lot of work for one person even with a couple hrs at preschool & I"m not sure what kind of hours you work or she comes to your house but I can totally understand her possibly being overwhelmed at the prospect. Getting the 2 older kids out & about every day with the 2 babies is a tough thing to do esp if she doesn't drive. I feel for her in that it sounds like she wants to finish this out (or doesn't want to deal w/ finding a new family & all that goes with that) since she is going to stop nannying soon but I think you need to consider how much work it is for one person to do and also what you're looking for- you might be better off asking at your local moms of multiples group to see if anyone has a nanny rec who has worked with twins plus older kids already and see if you can find a replacement.
GL
I wish I knew what it was about nanny's that make us mom's question what is right...she is your employee and she is not doing what you have asked her to do as part of her employment. IMO you can have 1 final conversation/warning, but I think the writting is on the wall.
I think it's because it's a little more personal then a strict employee to employer relationship. They are invited into your home and are taking care of your kids. On one hand you want your nanny to do what you ask, on the other hand you don't want to piss off the person watching your children. I think it's also hard to "move on" when you have had someone for a while because (at least for me) I'm always worried I won't find someone who is a perfect fit, so I am more inclined to deal with one small issue than fire her and start again. There is always another center down the road, there isn't always another person who can work with your schedule, love your kids, and do things the way you want them to be done.
That being said, I don't consider the OP's problem to be a little one, not doing a few dishes here and there I can deal with, not taking the kids outside, and getting defensive when asked for input are huge flags for me.
We've had several nanny's over the years and I get that it's personal first hand. At the same time, these are not little things.