TTCAL questions

lrichmond86

So after having a relatively uneventful (thank goodness) birthday, DH throws this at me right before we go to sleep.  "I don't think we should keep pushing the sex every other day thing just to get pregnant.  We should just enjoy it and see what happens."  To which I had a COMPLETE meltdown.

My thought process for the following five minutes (and yes, I know that it's a little dramatic, but it's how I felt at the time):  Oh my god he doesn't want to get pregnant again... doesn't he know how much this means to me... doesn't he know that I have to be pregnant like YESTERDAY... he isn't enjoying the trying part... I'M not enjoying the trying part... it doesn't matter because I JUST NEED TO GET PREGNANT... we can enjoy it later... he has no idea how this actually works... we can't just be casual about this... it takes some people YEARS to get pregnant and that's with OPKs and tracking their cycle and taking their temp and help from their doctor...if we aren't proactive we won't get pregnant... we won't get pregnant... WE'LL NEVER GET PREGNANT!

Ok, I know I sound crazy.  But this is the thought process that those two sentences spurred in me.  Which tells me two things.  First, I probably do need to relax a little about trying to get pregnant and let it happen.  And second, DH and I may not be as much on the same page as I thought we were.  

So here's my questions: 

1. When ttcal were you this crazy about it?  Did it cause you this much stress and anxiety?  (i.e. is this a normal part of the process or am I really losing it?)

2. Did your DH have any of the same concerns as mine?  Should I be worried that he doesn't really want to get pregnant right now?  That maybe this isn't right for us yet?  I know I'm ready, but if he's not then it's not the right time.  

Glad I got that off my chest this early in the morning.  Thanks for your help, ladies!  Love you all!

 

Heatherhah

1. When ttcal were you this crazy about it? Did it cause you this much stress and anxiety? (i.e. is this a normal part of the process or am I really losing it?) I was crazy about it for sure I wanted the same as you to get pregnant sooner rather than later but I am also 39 and knew that my clock was ticking super loud but I was still obsessed. i had help from testing and an RE to get pregnant with both Sydney and this baby. You are not crazy you just want to be pregnant you are normal. I wanted to get pregnant right away but it didn't happen until  6 months after our loss. So be patient it will happen. 

 2. Did your DH have any of the same concerns as mine? Should I be worried that he doesn't really want to get pregnant right now? That maybe this isn't right for us yet? I know I'm ready, but if he's not then it's not the right time. My Dh didnt have any issues he was scared but still wanted to try . I think men in general don't like the planning of the deed ike we do like the every other day thing we did it too and it worked for us but I was charting and using opks I knew when I O'd so it was easier for us. But maybe make it fun sometimes men like to be surpirsed too I mean lets face it men are the easiest to please LOL but maybe make it fin for him not so much a chore my DH didn't like when I made it like a chore instead of fun.

Hope I was able to help it may not have though sorry. I would also have a talk with him and make sure youare on the same page now.

Good luck - Heather

philfemgal

So funny--I was planning to write a post here about feeling crazy about TTCAL too!  So yes, I think it is normal to feel totally stressed and crazy--at least that is how my wife and I have been feeling.

Last month (our first cycle) I really thought I would be pregnant and we both cried every day that I tested and got negatives.  We were so depressed we ended up getting a kitten (Long story--but we had found a litter of ferals awhile back and have been feeding them and trying to get them all fixed.  My wife really wanted to adopt one of them but I kept saying no.  Then when I was so, so sad about not being pregnant after our first cycle I finally gave in--I just didn't have it in me to fight it anymore.  She actually has helped with the depression a lot even though we already had a dog and two cats and hadn't planned on more.

Now I am 12DPO and it's not as bad as last time, but still it feels so stressful and horrible. I got negative tests the past two days and now we have somehow ended up getting another kitten!  (This time it's not so clearly TTCAL related that we are getting the kitten, but sort of.  She must have been hit by a car so we spent days trying to trap her and finally got her and she was a mess.  I took her to the humane society yesterday and cried and cried on my way there hoping I wouldn't have to have her euthanized.  Turned out she had a dead tail and broken bones in 3 places and needed three surgeries.  Of course that was going to cost a lot of $, but they were nice enough to give us a discount.  And we just couldn't have her euthanized even though it's still costing a good amount!  When I was crying I just kept thinking of Alice and B.  I know she's a cat and it's totally unrelated, but I felt like I couldn't separate the feelings of loss about Alice and B and our feelings of loss about needing to euthanize the kitten.)  Are you seeing the crazy yet?!

As for your second question, I am in a really different situation as we are using donor sperm.  So there really is no way to be more relaxed about trying for us.  I can definitely understand, though, the stress of you and your husband not being on the same page about trying.  My wife and I sometimes disagree about what sorts of interventions we are willing to try and when assuming the at home inseminations we are doing do not get me pregnant in the next few cycles.  She sometimes gets frustrated that I am much more hesitant to consider fertility meds than she is.  But that is NOT because I don't want a baby just as much as she does.  We just approach things differently.  And I worry that more interventions will cause even more stress.

So I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that your DH doesn't want a baby as much as you do or that he is not ready without talking it out with him.  I know many couples in our loss support group said that when they first began to TTCAL they did the "not trying but not avoiding either" approach at first in order to keep it low stress.  I can definitely see the merits in that approach.

Also you mentioned sex every other day--do you mean during the fertile window or the entire cycle?  I know I've seen some women on the TTC boards of the bump talk about every other day the entire cycle and I've always been in awe.  I don't think I've wanted or had that much sex since the first few months my wife and I got together (going on 7 and a half years ago now).  And even for the purpose of making a baby, I don't think we could manage it now in our state of grief and stress about TTCAL.  Even for me to try to have an orgasm after we inseminate (in case the theory that the cervix sucks sperm up into it during orgasm is true) is so much harder than usual.  We are in such a state of anxiety about the whole process that it feels like work instead of fun. 

Could something like that be what is prompting your DH's suggestion?  Are you doing charting and OPKs currently?  If that is what is behind your DH's concern could you use charting and OPKs to isolate your fertile period and then just aim for well-timed sex based on that?  (Sorry if I am misunderstanding what is going on and your DH is objecting to every other day sex during the fertile window.)

AmyG2b

Ticker......

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling all these things, and truthfully, I sounded the same way up until 2 months ago. TTC was all I thought about since the day I lost Ellie. You just feel so empty, and even though it won't take away all the pain, the thought of getting pregnant again gives you something to move on to, and even be excited about again. Until recently, I just felt I was living my life in a limbo, you know? 

TTC after my loss was a ton of stress and anxiety...my therapist thinks that's why it took 9 months to get pregnant! I was so focused on trying to get the job done, and I wasn't enjoying it either, just going through the motions. I don't think you're losing it.  I used prayer, working out, and some acupuncture to alleviate the stress, but it didn't disappear. 

As for your husband, maybe he just realizes the stress isn't good for either of you.  My husband was very optimistic throughout our trying, and I think he was just trying to stay strong for me, because I was feeling so insecure. He wanted to get pregnant again just as badly, bur knew the times when it was forced wouldn't be beneficial. Did you ask him what he's thinking, exactly? 

Good luck  

jbranden12

1. When ttcal were you this crazy about it?  Did it cause you this much stress and anxiety?  (i.e. is this a normal part of the process or am I really losing it?)

In short, yes.Your thoughts are very familiar.

Last cycle was our first trying. I had trouble sleeping because all I could think about was waking up and taking my temperature, first to see if I ovulated, then wishing for high numbers. I never used opks before but decided to try them and I used over 30 ovulation strips trying to catch my surge. We dtd 12 days in a row. Exhausting, and eventually not that much fun. I desperately needed to get pregnant to have something, anything to look forward to in my life. I still feel the need, but I am trying to be more relaxed. Perhaps my stress did influence my ovulation, which was a week late even on a medicated cycle. I am casually taking my temperature, but won't start obsessing over it and using opks until after my monitoring sono on Monday. We plan to dtd every other day beginning on day 10, then every day once I start to see positive or near positive opks until temps confirm. Then I will stop temping and begin testing at 10dpo. I'd like to hold out longer, but let's face it, that's not going to happen.

2. Did your DH have any of the same concerns as mine?  Should I be worried that he doesn't really want to get pregnant right now?  That maybe this isn't right for us yet?  I know I'm ready, but if he's not then it's not the right time.

My DH wants to get pregnant so he does what I say needs to be done. He is interested in the process, like he asks me what my temp is after I take it. But I don't know if he obsesses as much as I do. I am an external processor, so I repeat myself over and over and I don't know how much info about temps, opks, surges, ovulation, LPs, and implantation sinks in, but he's supportive. He has mentioned before how LONG it felt like I was pregnant, so I think he knows that even if we get pg soon, we have a long time to process it.

It sounds like maybe your DH just misses having sex for fun, and to feel a connection with you. I have to change my mindset a little bit too, and think of sex as a way to get a baby but also a way to feel close with my husband, which I want as well.

lrichmond86

philfemgal:

Also you mentioned sex every other day--do you mean during the fertile window or the entire cycle?

 

No, no!  Just the fertile window, not the whole cycle.  I have a pretty high drive, but I'm not even sure that I could keep up with that rate.  Also, I agree that when you're TTC the trying part feels like work instead of fun.  I think that's part of the problem.  Also, DH has been working really long hours and I think he's feeling a little pressure to... "perform".  Now that I've had more time to think about it, I'm not freaking out quite as much.  I just wish that he was as enthusiastic about getting this done as I am.  Thanks for all your input!

pottermommy

1- Yes, yes I was insane about it.  I was terrified it would never ever happen for me.  Especially after the M/C and the IF treatments, I had pretty much decided I was destined to be mama to an angel and that my life as I had dreamed it was over.

 

2- No I do not think you are on different pages. 

Guys want to be wanted they want a baby but they want to have a baby out of the act of love and passion and heat and well....great sex honestly.  And we get so worked up and scared that it is all,

this is my temp, this is the day, this is the time, get in get out, make more sperm and shoot it in again in 48 hrs.  Not so much the best way to punch a guys sexy buttons.

I know I get it, I did it, even to the point of taking my temp running in with the thermometer throwing it on the bed and saying ok now go, you have 15 minutes and then DON"T MOVE ME!!!!

When we did get pg, and I know this is not the normal thing for IF couples.  We got so tired of being frustrated and sad that we quit all IF, we quit trying, we hadn't DTD in nearly a month.

I was depressed on Mother's day last year.....Well we found out about Gabriel on Father's day.