Hi! Adoption and letting go of ttc.

beachy6

Hi everyone! Today must be the day to come out of the lurking closet! My DH and I have been ttc #2for 8 years. We have also been homestudy ready and waiting to adopt through our local cps for the last two years. However, this last week has brought some big changes. After three failed iui this year, I've decided to put a stop to ttc'ing and get more aggressive with our adoption efforts. I was glad to read the other post about getting dh's on the same page, as mine has had a terribly hard time letting go of not having another bio child (he was in Iraq when DS was born and missed the first 6th months of his life). It has taken me 8 years to explain that even having another bio child won't give him the memory of ds's birth back. So, we are in the process of interviewing attorneys and getting ready for a baby! I look forward to getting to know all of you and learn from what your experiences. I do have a question though. How many of you also had issues with DH coming around to adoption? What were their fears? Mine is afraid he/she won't love him as much and afraid of the unknown that comes with adoption.

beachy6

Sorry for the typos in my op. I know they're there, but typing with two fingers on this stupid I.pad is for the birds!

Dr.Loretta

Hi and welcome.

In my experience it's pretty rare for both spouses/SOs to be on the same page about adoption out of the gate. One or the other usually needs some time to deal with whatever concerns they have. I was ready 6 months before DH: his 2 big concerns were a lack of biological connection to an adopted child, and uncertainty about how invasive the homestudy process would be. Having long talks with SWs at the agencies we considered helped him feel better about the homestudy aspect. I think time and a lot of thinking helped him with the bio connection. I can say that as soon as he laid eyes on DD, he was immediately in love.

GL and keep posting!

MauidAims

Just wanted to say hi from another military wife

christy2125

For us, my hubby's two biggest fears were; can we afford it, and then the biggest will he get excited to welcome a child only to have the mother decide to parent; and still I think he is very nervous about both of those. My husband has a child from a former relationship and due to paternity issues he didn't get to see her birth or be there for the first three months so I know he was wanting to be able to do all that with me since he couldn't do it the first time around..

silliestbunny

Welcome!!

I see a trend that many husbands are slower to be ready to adopt. 
If you can, find a network of adoptive parents to socialize with.... I think it's a good way for DH to see how natural adoption can be.

IRR

Welcome.  My DH is on board with the adoption but still hopes to perhaps have a bio child of his own at some point, perhaps through a surrogate, but as we keep getting older and I am not sure we can afford a surrogate. Adoption at this point is where our hearts are and now that we have identified a birth family we are cautiously optimistic that we will finally start our family at the end of this year.  Once we have the first child, I keep thinking we should adopt an older child so that we won't be in our 70's when they graduate from college.  We just take it step by step every day.  Attending some of the information sessions certainly helped put everything into perspective for us.  GL.

erinmc1

I was extremely lucky.  We were having some pretty obvious issues TTC, and one night I just started crying and asked my hubby if it was ok if we focused on adoption instead.  He hugged me and said "of course."  Within two weeks, we'd told our family and closest friends.

He was a little worried about attachment and bonding to an adopted child, but once we went to the agency, and heard an adoptive dad speak and address those exact fears, he started feeling a lot more confident about the decision.