How much are you willing to sacrifice... (long)

mm29

How much are you willing to sacrifice to have a baby?  

DH and I got into a heated debate regarding what we should sacrifice since he is not working and the money from his severance will soon be ending.  I would be willing to sacrifice much more than he is. I would love to continue treatments while he is out of work. He absolutely refuses to move forward with treatments while he is not working.  

He feels that our child/children should not go without because we were financially irresponsible. He feels that if we conceived now our child would not have the life he would like to provide in regard to having nice things, toys, clothing etc. 

IMO we are far better off than either of our parents when we were growing up. Yes we had roofs over our heads, but we were not those kids who wore coolest clothes in style.  So what, our parents were not able to purchase us cars when we turned 16.  

I know that Dh went through more "hard times" than I did.  He and his dad lived with his grandparents many times.  They were very poor.  Where my family "got by" living paycheck to paycheck.  I have had to work hard for everything I have, from buying my own car when I turned 16, to paying for my own college, etc.  

If we were to conceive now we would still be able to provide for our baby.  We would most likely have to sell a car, I would have to work extra shifts here and there.  DH does not want that.  He does not want to have that kind of stress when I am pregnant.  

Of course I'm not going to press the issue, because deep down I want to provide more for our children.  However, I hate waiting until circumstances are perfect. They will never be perfect! I am running out of eggs, and therefore time!!   I think it is harder for him to understand, because it is not the loss of his genetic legacy we are facing, it is mine.  Yes we can do donor egg or adopt anytime.  I know it is selfish, but I want to give my eggs a chance.  I would love, love, love anything more than have a baby that is half him and half me.

(ETA:  Please know that I want other opinions, I will not take offence.  Sometimes I need to hear the truth from people other than DH!)  

theworms

I think you both have valid points.

I hope you can come up with a middle ground that you both can live with.

None of this is easy.

GL cutie

Mrs.McIrish

Interesting you post this today...  I am in a very similar situation but only with DE. I am giving up on my OE but I will be 39 in a month.  We have a very short window to pursue DE.  I have insurance coverage for the medical part but not the agency fee, donor compensation fee, donor testing etc.  It still adds up to roughly $20K OOP.  I am being laid off in December.  I make significantly more than DH.  I am normally very fiscally conservative and the idea of spending $$ on DE when I am about to be laid off is insane to me.  I cannot drain that much $$ from my account with this uncertainty.  If it works, I'd be PG when trying to find a new job.  It will be hard enough to find a job and adding PG or a newborn when I am incoherent, scares the crap out of me. 

I don't want to be poor.  We have a really nice house(that is too big for me and DH and no kids). DH wants to sell it and move back to his hometown (about 45 mins away).  If we don't have the bigger mortgage hanging over us, we can live on his salary in his tiny house (that is now rented to tenants). But I don't think we can live in his salary with a baby in that house.  I'd be miserable doing that.   I have been looking at low cost DE option and I can't help but think I am being reckless to even consider this with my job situation. But it is basically now or never due to our ages.

I cannot handle living paycheck to paycheck and I cringe at having debt.  I don't know what to do...

 

mm29

Mrs.McIrish:

Interesting you post this today...  I am in a very similar situation but only with DE. I am giving up on my OE but I will be 39 in a month.  We have a very short window to pursue DE.  I have insurance coverage for the medical part but not the agency fee, donor compensation fee, donor testing etc.  It still adds up to roughly $20K OOP.  I am being laid off in December.  I make significantly more than DH.  I am normally very fiscally conservative and the idea of spending $$ on DE when I am about to be laid off is insane to me.  I cannot drain that much $$ from my account with this uncertainty.  If it works, I'd be PG when trying to find a new job.  It will be hard enough to find a job and adding PG or a newborn when I am incoherent, scares the crap out of me. 

I don't want to be poor.  We have a really nice house(that is too big for me and DH and no kids). DH wants to sell it and move back to his hometown (about 45 mins away).  If we don't have the bigger mortgage hanging over us, we can live on his salary in his tiny house (that is now rented to tenants). But I don't think we can live in his salary with a baby in that house.  I'd be miserable doing that.   I have been looking at low cost DE option and I can't help but think I am being reckless to even consider this with my job situation. But it is basically now or never due to our ages.

I cannot handle living paycheck to paycheck and I cringe at having debt.  I don't know what to do...

 

This is where I struggle.  I am not a fan living paycheck to paycheck. We had to do that when I was in college.  It sucked, but my desire to become a mom is so much more important to me than material things.  We have already accumulated more debt than I ever imagined while ttc.  

I hate that it has to come down to this for us.  It blows!!! 

Faith722

I can see where both of you are coming from. In an ideal world, we'd all be perfectly settled before having kids. But we know that life is far from ideal.

Not that long ago, we were watching the s.uze o.rman show during the time that we were debating whether and when to go for another IVF cycle. She does this "can I afford it" segment. I remember thinking she would totally deny us! But I figured we could always make more money later, at some point that's not true for eggs. It's not a financially responsible argument, but ...

. I hope that you and DH can find some middle ground soon.

vanessagorc

I see both of ur points.  

Im very fortunate, bc I have never had to make a decision based on $.  I know it's rare to be in that position.  DH is self made, and we have far more than I ever imagined, and far more than our parents have.  I say his bc my views are obviously influenced by my own life.  

 

I would not hold off, u have ur whole lives to make money and a finite window to have a baby.  U have 18 yrs to save for college, or let the child pay for that.  My parents didn't have money for me to go to college.  I went to a state school and took loans.  I never wanted to anything, I had food and clothes etc.  I had a happy childhood.  Did I travel Europe, no...but thats not important.

Kids dont need 80 percent of what they are given.  I know my baby is spoiled already, but does he/she need this stuff...no way.  

I think love, an obviously enough money for basics, are all u REALLY need. The rest is just extra stuff that our generation tells u that u need, to keep up w the jones's.  

mm29

Faith722:

I can see where both of you are coming from. In an ideal world, we'd all be perfectly settled before having kids. But we know that life is far from ideal.

Not that long ago, we were watching the s.uze o.rman show during the time that we were debating whether and when to go for another IVF cycle. She does this "can I afford it" segment. I remember thinking she would totally deny us! But I figured we could always make more money later, at some point that's not true for eggs. It's not a financially responsible argument, but ...

. I hope that you and DH can find some middle ground soon.

I feel the same way in regard to making more money in the future.  I know that we will make more money in the future.  I have the rest of my life to pay off debt.  My eggs are running out now. I am feeling desperate.  I know i'm "young" but my AMH sucks and with very aggressive IVF protocols I have never produced more than two eggs.  The thought of going into menopause in the near future is a realistic fear for me. 

***, maybe I need to give up on the idea of having a baby with half of my DNA.   

rockpaperlove

The good ol' IF financial debacle.  Fun stuff!

DH and I were lucky enough to pull from our savings account for our past IF treatments and my Mom generously assisted us with our second cycle.  So, at this point...we are sad to have lost our "nest egg", but glad to have not taken on any debt...yet. 

My DH and I have been having this talk of "what's next" since our FET failed and he immediately wanted to wait until we saved enough money for another cycle.  At first, I was against it.  Yet, I understood where he was coming from. 

He felt that bringing a child into our life with a load of debt under our belt would be highly stressful.  He also felt that if we decided to cycle again (with a loan) and the cycle failed...that pain would be just about unbareable.

Again, I agreed with what he said, but I felt and still feel that waiting until spring will be difficult.  My gut says, for us, it is the right thing to do though.  Physically, mentally, financially.  Everyone is different and no two financial situations are alike.

I wish you and your DH a plan to agree upon that each of you are happy with.  Hugs.

illinigal

Hugs.  None of this crap is easy. 

I'm willing to sacrifice pretty much everything and my career to be a mom.  DH and I are financially responsible and savers by nature.  I'm 3 years older than him and I worked my arse off for 12 years.  I had a great job and actually made more than DH did.  I was one of the lucky ones with infertility insurance that paid most of IVFs #1-3. Then dh got a new job and we moved from IL to IN. I got a BFP on IVF #3 and we decided instead of me looking for a new job that I'd be a SAHM.  Having been out of college and childless for so long, we had quite to little nest egg built up and knew we would be fine on one income for several years and then I'd go back to the workforce when the kids were a couple years old. 

Unfortunately, we lost our boys.  I thought about looking for a new job at that point, but Dh said to take some time.  We decided we could afford IVF #4 with me not working (thanks to our past good savings).  If it worked, I'd continue to stay home as planned.  If not, I would look for a job.  Well, IVF didn't go as planned, so we decided we could try IVF #5 with the same plan.  While I'm not working, Dh's income is able to pay all our bills and we still do retirement savings of almost $1000 a month, but not really saving any extra.  We also cut back on dining out and vacations.  I would do 20 rounds of IVF if DH would let me, but I know that's just crazy talk.  We've decided if IVF 5 doesn't work, I have to find another job before we can pay to do IVF again.  In reality, we have more funds and could do more IVFs, but we aren't comfortable chipping away our entire safety net.

Another thing I hate is that I was a licensed CPA for many years and I had to give up that designation since I didn't have enough training so I renewed my license as inactive last month.  Damn depressing.  I was willing to give that up to be a SAHM,  but if I never get to be one and have to go back in the workforce, I'm afraid it will hurt me.  I can do the training and get the designation back, but it's a lot to give up for what might have been... and hopefully, will be still.

We would never go into debt to do an IVF cycle.  The thought of making payments on something that didn't work would be unbearable to me.  If we don't have enough money in the bank to cycle, we would wait until we saved up enough. 

Also, want to know something disturbing. I'm such a financial planner that I didn't have sex until I was 25.  I purposely made the decision to wait until I was out of college, had worked for several years, had my own house (pre-dh), had some money in the bank before I had sex.  I wanted to be responsible enough that I could actually care for an opps-baby if that ever happened.  I sometimes think the fact we don't have a baby now is just a sick joke.

mm29

vanessagorc:

I see both of ur points.  

Im very fortunate, bc I have never had to make a decision based on $.  I know it's rare to be in that position.  DH is self made, and we have far more than I ever imagined, and far more than our parents have.  I say his bc my views are obviously influenced by my own life.  

 

I would not hold off, u have ur whole lives to make money and a finite window to have a baby.  U have 18 yrs to save for college, or let the child pay for that.  My parents didn't have money for me to go to college.  I went to a state school and took loans.  I never wanted to anything, I had food and clothes etc.  I had a happy childhood.  Did I travel Europe, no...but thats not important.

Kids dont need 80 percent of what they are given.  I know my baby is spoiled already, but does he/she need this stuff...no way.  

I think love, an obviously enough money for basics, are all u REALLY need. The rest is just extra stuff that our generation tells u that u need, to keep up w the jones's.  

This is exactly how I feel!  I have a great job.  I have plenty of opportunity to grow and move up the ladder if I work hard and stay determined.  There are also great opportunities if I go back to school and get my masters degree.  I am scared of debt, but I know that we will be o.k. financially. We will not be as well off as DH would like.  I'm not scared of living paycheck to paycheck, we will survive and so will our child!

may2806

It's definitely a tough decision, but if you can provide the basics for your child that is what is most important. I'm kind of old-fashioned in that I think today's kids are spoiled, and I don't plan on letting my kids have an overwhelming number of toys and crap they don't need. I was happy playing outside in the dirt!

I am lucky in that we live in a mandated state so we had IF coverage - unfortunately it has run out and we are also doing IVIG which is crazy expensive and not covered by insurance for fertility. We've used about half of our savings on this cycle so far, and if everything works out I will not regret it one bit - but if it doesn't that's another story. I'm frugal by nature but also like taking nice trips, eating good food, etc - not to mention saving for our future child's college fund - so I hate the thought of money going down the drain. 

I would tend to agree with you though that is no perfect time, and you have years to save up again. I hope you can work it out! 

 

mtlaurel

I think you both have good points. My nature is probably more inline with your DH's way of thinking. I am not willing to go into debt, and now that we're faced with spending the last of our savings on one last DE cycle, I'm truly scared and reconsidering whether it even makes sense. I keep telling myself that we'd have at least 8 months to save up a little, but that would just help get us ready and through maternity leave (I am primary breadwinner)... I don't want to be playing catch up for the entire kid's life, if we actually succeeded in having a kid. I feel like that would be pure selfishness on my part. Then again, I cannot bear the thought of waiting another year. We're too old for that, even when we're not using my eggs.

I hate how this stuff complicates every move we make.

mm29

may2806:

It's definitely a tough decision, but if you can provide the basics for your child that is what is most important. I'm kind of old-fashioned in that I think today's kids are spoiled, and I don't plan on letting my kids have an overwhelming number of toys and crap they don't need. I was happy playing outside in the dirt!

I am lucky in that we live in a mandated state so we had IF coverage - unfortunately it has run out and we are also doing IVIG which is crazy expensive and not covered by insurance for fertility. We've used about half of our savings on this cycle so far, and if everything works out I will not regret it one bit - but if it doesn't that's another story. I'm frugal by nature but also like taking nice trips, eating good food, etc - not to mention saving for our future child's college fund - so I hate the thought of money going down the drain. 

I would tend to agree with you though that is no perfect time, and you have years to save up again. I hope you can work it out! 

 

I agree that kids are spoiled and they do not need half of things they are given.  Does a 10 yr old really need their own cell phone?  Just watching my 1yr old nephew when he plays, he does not seem interested in his expensive toys. He wants to play with brushes, keyboards, cell phones, pots and pans, etc. not expensive toys.  

There is no perfect time.  Things come up and it feels like whenever DH and I have had an issue like the dishwasher breaks and we need money to replace it, we find the money without having to finance it.   

mm29

illinigal:

Hugs.  None of this crap is easy. 

I'm willing to sacrifice pretty much everything and my career to be a mom. 

Also, want to know something disturbing. I'm such a financial planner that I didn't have sex until I was 25.  I purposely made the decision to wait until I was out of college, had worked for several years, had my own house (pre-dh), had some money in the bank before I had sex.  I wanted to be responsible enough that I could actually care for an opps-baby if that ever happened.  I sometimes think the fact we don't have a baby now is just a sick joke.

Illinigal, I first want to say that I am so sorry for your losses!!!  I can't even imagine the pain you and your DH have endured.  

I too would sacrifice everything.  The last 6 yrs I have made more money than my DH and if this wasn't the case I would give up my career to be a mom!  We did consider that if our last IVF worked, DH would work PT and be a SAHD, while I worked FT so our child would not have to be in day care.  

IF DH would agree I would sell our house, and move into a crappy apt to pay for IF treatments, fortunately DH would never let this happen for more reasons than just moving to a crappy apt.  

It does not sound crazy to me that you waited to have sex until you were 25.  I live in Utah, with the predominate religion being Mormon it is taboo to have premarital sex.  I have co-workers that are in their mid to late 20's that have not had sex.  The only difference is you were considering your finances rather than your perceived image to society.  

reb259

This so hard and I wish I had more words of wisdom.  All I can say is you are young, you and your H have plenty of time to get financially back on track (not that  you are off...you know what I mean)  We have more money now than when I was 31 and I hope that when I am 45 I will have more than I do now.  And it sounds like you guys also have the potential to as well.  As I think V said, this is not a competion...no need to compare yourself to others.  No one will ever be able to appreciate what you had to go through once you finally have that baby in your arms.

I have personally wasted so much time and here I am today.  IF does not wait.  I refuse to put off IF unless it is because I need a mental break.  I hope you are able to come to an agreement that works for both of you.  I am here if you need to talk.

xoxo

lynn0926

It is a tough decision. The way we looked at it was we really wanted a family and you can't put a price tag on that. We had to take out a loan to do DE, but I would pay that money for a car, education, etc. If you are adamant about using your OE, it is really now or never. DE will always be here when you need it. 

LaLe09

I always think about how when I was born, my parents had much less than my husband and I do. My parents lived in a one bedroom apartment for years after I was born and I had a corner in their room, not a fully decked out nursery. We were clothed diapered, breast fed, my parents had to only shop on sale, etc. They made it work. I had an amazing childhood and it was because they loved me and showed me in other ways. My DH and I are about to buy a very modest house. If we have more than one child, they will be sharing a room. We will not be living an extravagent lifestyle for a long time (if ever). I think it's hard to forget about how much "stuff" in our lives is actually frivelous and not truly needed. I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago and was honestly disgusted by the amount of baby gifts- they filled up an entire truck AND suv. It was just ridiculous. I think that we've gone a little overboard in this society and have forgotten about what is really important. So anyway- my answer is, I wouldn't put your cycle on hold unless you really won't be able to afford the basic essentials (rent, food, clothes, medical care). Good luck to you, I hope you two can come to an agreement on what is best.

MBfromBMC

I think I agree with you on this one.

Many would disagree with me (no flames please!), but I think that I would rather be a parent now and maybe not be able to afford all the extras than wait and get older. I was an unplanned pregnancy by a very young couple and my parents were separated by the time I was just a few months old. Money was always tight and I never had the coolest clothes like the other kids, but I had an incredibly happy childhood. Now that I am an adult, I have tons of respect for my mom for being able to do what she did with so little and I think some of those coping strategies made me a better person.

Now that we are struggling, my parents were huge advocates of us getting right to treatment. First of all, my mom insisted that you are never ever really ready and that the love that DH have for each other and our future baby was enough to climb mountains. Now that my dad is 50 and many of his friends have young children, he really appreciates the free time and financial security he has now that I am grown and he is glad that he was able to raise me when he was so young.

Obviously, I think that anyone (20s, 30s, 40s, whatever) who is ready for baby should absolutely go for it. But there is something to be said for knowing that you will never be 100% ready and that your child will ultimately only care about your love and support, not nicer sneakers or better toys.

You may also have resentment or regret in your heart later if you end up taking another path and always wonder if you could have conceived with your own eggs. To me, it's just not worth it to wait. 

GL to you and I hope you and DH reach a decision that makes you both happy  

cscronce

This is such an interesting topic.

I often think if I should have waited so long to have kids. I graduated college. Got married. Went back to school for another degree. Purchased a home with my hubby and traveled all over. Being the first in my family to attend college and not get KTFU as a teenager, I thought I was doing things in the right order.

Now that I've done everything in the right order, I cannot get the one thing that I would die to have: a child. I always use to say, I am not ready. I had a aunt who would say you will never be ready for kids and I would say, but yes we can always be better prepared.

So now I have everything lined up and now can't get pregnant. I often think was the rest of it worth it? I know I am glad that we are better off than we were, but I can help but wonder what things would be like if we had started trying earlier.

I cannot give anyone else advice, but I do know that there are plenty of people who have children unplanned with little means who make it work. I believe you do what you have to do to make it work.Whether that's picking up extra shifts, saving later or whatever. Of course it's best to be as prepared as possible, but nothing is gauranteed.

If someone had told me that I had to choose between getting things in order or being a mom, I would definitely choose being a mom over EVERYTHING else.

AmCheri

theworms:

I think you both have valid points.

I hope you can come up with a middle ground that you both can live with.

None of this is easy.

GL cutie

This!  I would add that with the DOR dx, if there's any way YH can feel comfortable moving on, I definitely would.  Time and your eggs are precious commodities.  I'm amazed by how rapidly my fertility declined.  If you can take advantage of the place you're at now, do it.  Big hugs.  I'm sorry it has to be so hard.   

arbutusbride

As much as I want a baby, I know that it would be hard to take care of one if we were in massive debt. We had to wait longer than I wanted to so that we were in a decent place financially. I am not working right now since I will be starting grad school in the fall. 

I may be of a different opinion as everyone else but I would wait to be in a better spot financially.   What happens if you do get a BFP and end up being on bed rest. That can take a toll on a family if money is already tight.