Bullying in preschool? (long)

BigIsland07

For the past few weeks, DS has been coming home and saying that two kids in his class are hitting, kicking and poking him. He says that they're "bad guys," "not nice," and that "they don't like me, mama." I spoke to his teacher about it when he first started mentioning it to get a feel for the environment, the interactions, etc.

At the time, she said that these two boys are having a hard time figuring out how to deal with their emotions (frustration and anger, in particular) and that they, more than others in the class, use physical means to take out their emotions. She said they're working on it as a whole class. When kids get violent, they "take a break" (time out) and they talk about why it's not ok to hit, and what they're feeling. She also mentioned that DS seems to be more intimidated by it than others.

This morning, DS wanted to bring in these little pipecleaner classes we made this weekend . He was wearing them while brushing his teeth and all of a sudden he stopped, looked up at me with fat tears in his eyes, and said in a slightly panicked voice, "I don't want [insert names] to take my glasses away from me. They always take my stuff away from me!"

I plan to call his teacher today to discuss, but I also mentioned it to the assistant director (who happened to be in the infant room when I dropped DD off). She said she'd look into it, but that I should talk with DS's teacher as well. 

DH and I have been telling DS to say things like, "Please don't hit me. Hitting is not ok." and "Please give me back my classes. They are not yours to play with." and then to tell his teacher about the events. 

I have a few books at home about hitting and dealing with feelings that I could bring in for the teacher to read to the class. Any other thoughts on how to handle this with DS and the school? Obviously, we don't want DS to dislike going to school, but don't want to overstep our boundaries in ensuring the school handles the situation. 

Would love your thoughts. TIA!

EDIT: I think my subject is a little dramatic. It's not exactly bullying, but I am concerned. 

Mrs.RockyM

I think you're doing the right thing - talking to your child about using his words about his frustrations with these LOs. The last thing you need is for him to act aggressively back.  Explain to him that they're wrong, and he should keep doing what he's doing. 

Aside from working with the school, your only other option, is to pull DS out, but it really sounds to me like the school need to be a bit more agressive in their approach to handling these behaviors.  If these 2 boys are having a hard time handling their emotions, more so than the other children, something else has to be done - clearly time outs and talking about feelings aren't working.  Are their parents involved?  What specifically is the school doing to remedy the sitation, specifically since it's become commonplace and it's really scaring the other children.   Are they closely monitoring these children, keeping them away from others, etc?

Littlejen22

I would be irate if a teacher told me that kids were being "violent" and my kid has a harder time than most dealing with it. It is NOT ok for your kid to have to cry that people are consistently poking him and taking his stuff. And while it is not the same level of bullying as older kids, it sounds to me to be bullying.  Yes your kid needs to learn to deal with adversity but he has a right to feel safe, especially at this age and when you are paying someone to keep him safe. It sounds like they are more worried with the wrong kid's feelings. I would insist on a meeting with the director and teacher together and point out this is not the first time you complained. 

MirandaHobbes

Aww.. I'm sorry your DS is having to deal with this. It is heartwrenching. It sounds like his teachers are trying to address the problem. I think you should continue trying to teach your son to advocate for himself. It's so scary, but it's a skill that will always serve him well. My son has autism so I'm constantly working with him to fend off kids who take advantage of him and stick up for himself. Sadly, he is also sometimes the agressor, not in a "violent" way, but he'll get in kids faces too close or just basically annoy other kids without meaning to. I try to teach him about personal space, and not touching. DS knows to tell a teacher if another kid takes a toy, and/or to tell child to stop taking his stuff. He surprised me the other day when a neighbor kid was using "naughty" words, my DS replied "I'm not listening to your naughty words!" something his teachers probably taught him to say.

I think you're warranted in continuing to speak to your child's teachers, especially if your son continues to express aprehension about the situation. I know the teacher's appreciate it when you approach it in a "what can WE do to help?" acknowledging that the teacher is trying, and you want to help her with the situation. With my son I know if I reinforce the phrases and rules they use in class he is more likely to remember them. So far every issue we've had in class has basically run it's course and gone away eventually- hopefully the same will be true for you.

BigIsland07

Thank you for your replies! I wasn't sure if I should be as concerned as I am, but you validated my feelings. I have a tendency to go all "mother bear" right off the bat, so I'm trying to temper that a bit. I sent the teacher a long email and will call her later today. I'm trying to be nice, but firm. I'll keep you updated!

Temp6313048411121614

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Your son should not be afraid of school IMO.  Like pp said, the time outs are obviously not working with the 2 boys.  Are they related?  I think the teacher needs to discuss the issues with the parents, and eventually if they boys can't learn to be nice, they need to be removed from the school (though I know you have no control over that).  I would continue to tell your DS how to stand up for himself by telling them to stop, etc, but at the same time I personally would harp on the teachers.  I'm not saying that the teachers aren't doing everything they can, but if your child doesn't feel safe going to school, that's a huge issue for me (especially when it's not a public elementary school with compulsory attendance).

Amy&Anthony

My concern is If these administrators are aware that these children are a problem, and based on your DS's language it sounds like they are ganging up on other children, why aren't  they under closer teacher supervision?

Your title is not dramatic, that is bullying and it is textbook. I have my 'parent' answer and my 'bullied' answer. We teach our kids to use their words, to tell the teacher and non violent responses. These techniques should absolutely be a part of the solution you present.

Sometimes this just doesn't work. I was picked on every single day from 1st grade - 10th grade, I transferred to a private boarding school for my freshman year of high school, and it actually got worse there than at public school. My husband says he still seems ramifications of this history to this day.  What made it stop? I finally punched the girl who picked on me since the third grade in the face.

  People don't like to hear this because its not PC, but at the same time that you teach your son to process his own emotions, please  also teach him, and empower him to stand up for himself. FOR YEARS I didn't stand up for myself, not because I was scared of the other kids, but because that was not what 'nice girls did' and was incredibly afraid of  what my mother would do.   I am so sorry your DS has to go through this Good Luck.