Independent adoption (if you found BM)?

MauidAims

This is based off my post below where a friend of a friend gave us a BMs information. We are starting to correspond.  She has mentioned that she needs assistance financially (had to quit her job due to PG) and that a few agencies have offered her $ up to the birth and a few months after.  I do know what the amount is through my friend.  She has not mentioned that she has signed on with this agencies to me (but I think she has according to my friend). So what happens if she picks us, what happens if the agency has given her money thus far? how do I handle living expenses- would/could that be handled through an attorney in her home state? what if she changes her mind?  anyone have experience with this?  We have not signed up with an agency yet (was in the process of researching) when this opportunity came about. TIA!

IRR

Our situation is quasi independent.  Because our state requires us to use an agency, once we connected with the BM and she selected us as the AP's, our lawyer then made sure she was ok with having an agency involved with counseling since that is our state's requirement.  As far as the financial assistance I would not commit to anything but state that you are willing to help out within the limits of the law.  Not sure what state this BM is located in,  but those are the laws that need to be followed. It sounds a bit fishy that this BM is talking about this with you through correspondence, so I would also get a lawyer involved to help start protecting your interests.  Also, if she has signed on with an agency, then you need to know what those agencies procedures are.  Not sure if I read if you are already homestudy approved or not, but perhaps you can consult with your social worker if you are.  I can see why another poster stated that you should be cautious, because unfortunately there are some frauds out there.  If you are still waiting to do your homestudy, you may want to do this first before getting too involved with this BM.  GL and keep us posted.

MauidAims

IRR:

Our situation is quasi independent.  Because our state requires us to use an agency, once we connected with the BM and she selected us as the AP's, our lawyer then made sure she was ok with having an agency involved with counseling since that is our state's requirement.  As far as the financial assistance I would not commit to anything but state that you are willing to help out within the limits of the law.  Not sure what state this BM is located in,  but those are the laws that need to be followed. It sounds a bit fishy that this BM is talking about this with you through correspondence, so I would also get a lawyer involved to help start protecting your interests.  Also, if she has signed on with an agency, then you need to know what those agencies procedures are.  Not sure if I read if you are already homestudy approved or not, but perhaps you can consult with your social worker if you are.  I can see why another poster stated that you should be cautious, because unfortunately there are some frauds out there.  If you are still waiting to do your homestudy, you may want to do this first before getting too involved with this BM.  GL and keep us posted.

 

thanks! We are not homestudy approved as it happened so quick.  Can I get a homestudy for an agency or place that I am not signed up with? or is it best to get a homestudy with an agency we are with (in which case means I have to figure out which one).

IRR

A homestudy must be completed in the state you live in, but the agency you choose does not need to be the same as the agency that you do the homestudy through.  I would suggest you find an agency you are comfortable with for the homestudy as soon as possible and then you can determine if you want to use an agency at all or just a lawyer.  Not sure what state you live in but all states have their own rules and currently I can only talk about the state I live in.  GL.

Chance5291

This situation has a lot of red flags to me. I'd ask to meet with the bm in person and figure out exactly the situation. Is she choosing you, is she looking for other families, what level of openness does she want...She absolutely has a right to work with an agency but if she does that then you need to work with that agency too to be sure everyone is on the same page or else the agency will be working to match her with one of their families. 

I wouldn't get an attorney involved yet but I'd either fly out to meet her or have her meet you. I would not be giving any strangers any money for their living expenses. It's way too easy for her to take $500 from you through the mail and say "oops I changed my mind." and dissapear. I know a plane ticket is expensive but if you look at it as an investment into meeting your potential future child's birth parent it is a great investment to make in the long run.

Also this is a great reason why you should do a training/HS first and then look into potential matches. Not everyone has good intentions and it's really best to be trained and educated on the process before you jump in

silliestbunny

I agree w/the other posters... there are red flags here.  Not to say it won't work out beautifully but I wouldn't get too caught up in it yet.

I would seek counsel from an adoption attorney (preferably QuadA).  It looks like you are in CA.  I could refer a few names to you, if you'd like. 

If the birth mom selected you, then there's no real need for an agency.   A good attorney could provide similar services (you want to make sure she gets counseling!!). 

IRR said it well when she told you how to handle the financial piece.