WWYD- Give BM your home address??

MauidAims

Need some advice.  A friend of a friend knows of a BM placing her child for adoption. I was given her email address and emailed her and she responded.  She said her interenet is slow and asked that I send her mail her to an address. Not sure if its her address or not.  So I am sending a letter, but Im not sure what return address I should use? My home address? get a PO box?  We have just started corresponding so its not guaranteed she will pick us. Ive also heard she signed with an agency 2 weeks before I found out about her. WWYD?

Rachel Sonnier

We are in a similar situation. A friend that knew that we are planning to adopt called us about an expectant mom who is interested in placing with us, etc.

This may not be great advice, since I have no clue what the E-mom's situation is in your case, but the FEELING I get from the story is that I would be wary of this situation. I don't know many people who ask to be sent mail, and I can see an internet connection that is too slow to stream videos or what have you, but to check an email?? I also don't know where she lives, but I live in the middle of nowhere and our public library offers free internet and there are wifi hot spots everywhere. 

But its possible I guess, and like I said, I don't know what her situation is. I would offer to call instead. Maybe you could probably get a better feel for her as a person over the phone, and you would def get a more genuine connection.

I also read your other post. I have no clue what to do if she is with an agency and you are not. I know that there are a few regular posters here who have adopted through an adoption attorney or facilitator, and maybe they have some advice on that end. 

We are with an agency, but the expectant mom is not. I contacted our agency whenever my friend called me, and they told us what we needed to do on our end, and what the expectant mom needs to do on hers if she is really interested. Maybe try calling the agency she supposedly signed with, and ask them how that would work.

Just something to think about: Our agency also warned us that there are no legal issues that would stop us from communicating with one another...BUT it is probably unwise for us to start doing so before we each had our own agency advocate, before she started counseling, and before we were approved...both for her protection, as well as ours.

I know that independent adoptions are somewhat different, but I am not sure how that works. If you plan on going with an agency and have these services available to the both of you, it might be something you want to consider. For us personally, we would hate to jump in too soon on our own and mess everything up, while we could have waited and had our case worker guide us and advise us about what to do and how to handle things. 

Good luck with figuring out what to do. I hope everything works out for the best for you!! :-) 

srmmm09

Ha! The first thing I thought was, "how old is this birthmom?!?" Surely people who rely solely on snail mail are too old to be of childbearing age...

I mean, you could always just not put a return address on it, but I like was PP said. Unless she doesn't have any phone... 

MauidAims

srmmm09:

Ha! The first thing I thought was, "how old is this birthmom?!?" Surely people who rely solely on snail mail are too old to be of childbearing age...

I mean, you could always just not put a return address on it, but I like was PP said. Unless she doesn't have any phone... 

 lol. I know! 23.  At least she has a FB account. lol

IRR

Rachel Sonnier:

I don't know many people who ask to be sent mail, and I can see an internet connection that is too slow to stream videos or what have you, but to check an email?? I also don't know where she lives, but I live in the middle of nowhere and our public library offers free internet and there are wifi hot spots everywhere. 

After my experience this weekend, I can tell you that not everyone has an internet connection or a computer at home and yes while it may be available at the local library, some town libraries are not open every day, nor would some people  feel comfortable using the computer at the library for such personal business.  Not sure where you live, but I truly was in the middle of nowhere this weekend and can understand the request for snail mail.  I know our lawyer sent our profile via fedex and she probably used her office address, not ours. 

MauidAims

I just dont know what to do in this situation because we have not signed with an agency or lawyer yet. The situation just presented itself.  I dont want to rush into signing with someone because of this situation and if it falls through. But I also dont know the correct way to communicate while being cautious (i.e. use home address).  I think I will just leave it off my envelope for now and send her an email to say I am sending a letter and should get there in X days.  So many variables to this situation.

 Side note, would I need a lawyer in my home state and BM home state or just hers?

hway24

That's tough since you don't seem to know too much about her since yall are just starting to talk to her, and she hasn't actually picked you yet. We matched with our BM through our agency and after we talked to her a few times she asked us to send her something through the mail (I can't remember what it was now) and we were really unsure about it at first. Because we went into it planning on all contact being through the agency and she wouldn't know our address or last names. Now she knows everything about us, but that's because we built up a really good relationship with her and feel totally comfortable with it.

I think you have to go with what you feel comfortable doing. Its easy and fairly inexpensive to get a PO box, so that may be your best option. And in your situation, that's probably what I would do. But, even if you do put your home address, she may not even pay attention to it or keep it. I know that our BM has lost our address several times, and we usually have to give it to her every time she wants to send something.

I do know that you have to put a return address, if it doesn't have one they won't mail it. I know because I tried to mail it with no address on it, but the mailman told me its against the law now.

IRR

MauidAims:

 Side note, would I need a lawyer in my home state and BM home state or just hers?

We hired a lawyer (not from our state, since it is agency only) and she will hire co-counsel on our behalf in the state from our BM so that she won't be traveling to court to file the papers.  We personally will be going to court about 10 days after the birth in the BM's state and based on that states law we will not have to return for the finalization.  Every state is different, so since I am not a lawyer and each state is different I would suggest finding a lawyer that works across the country to help you navigate this process.

arbutusbride

If you have an attorney, I would use his or her address.  Obviously, fill him or her in on the situation.

 

irismorning

I did an independent adoption. My lawyer advised me to get a PO Box for all correspondence. My situation is a little different because there are safety issues. However, if you do not know much about the situation, I would err on the cautious side.

I would personally question the lack of internet access (not necessarily to her directly). You said that she has a facebook account. If she is active on facebook, then she probably has a reliable way to access the internet.

silliestbunny

I had a 22 yo Emom choose us and she preferred snail mail.  I think that is a red flag... seriously!!  She was not comfortable talking on the phone and didn't have regular computer access so it was snail mail.  Guess what--- she skipped town on us and the agency.  (The agency says they've never had someone up and leave in the middle of the night the way she did.)

 That said, I did not have an issue with sharing our home address.  We did not see a scam coming nor did we suspect illegal activity.  The director of the agency supported us either way but she did mention that Emom was trusting us and this was a sign of mutual trust.  Made sense to me.... I know others could flame me for being so trusting but that's who I am.

 

Good luck.

Rachel Sonnier

silliestbunny:

Made sense to me.... I know others could flame me for being so trusting but that's who I am.

 

Good luck.

Silliest, I don't think anyone can fault you for being trusting. I think its natural to be that way, and adoption situations take alot of trust on everyone's part. IRL, I am very trusting and tend to want to see the best in people...especially people in tough situations.

My husband cited that personality trait as his main reason to trust our agency's suggestion to wait on contact. I think it's human nature to want to think everything is on the up and up...and in most cases it is. No flaming for that here, and I think what happened to you guys totally sucks :-(

Something about this story between the snail mail, and the $$, and not fully disclosing whether or not she has signed with an agency, just seemed kind of shady to me. I'm not saying it necessarily is, but OP, personally, I would proceed with caution, but hope for the best!

Good luck and keep us posted!! 

elissaann26

As a foster parent whose information was released unauthorized, I would STRONGLY encourage you to play things safe.  You can't un-ring the bell once your information has been given out.  Play it safe at the beginning and once you know more about the situation, then you can disclose what you are comfortable with.

JELLYRUNNER01

I am a BM looking into adoption and reading some of the comments looking at an adoptive parents point of view. I would NEVER ask for your address, if this is the case i would be leary. Maybe get a PO box if your thinking about it....just seems if your barely contacting and getting to know her she has no business knowing. However, i have looked at "adoptive books" where families post pics etc of their home and nursery etc so i guess it depends are you interested in open adoption etc. Good Luck!