really struggling with my 4 yr old

kris_kelsey

tonight I am at the point of tears.  I don't even like being around him any more.  Background:  he was a super easy baby, even to the point that I was concerned because he didn't really like to be held on my chest and couldn't relax there.  Around a year he started to desire to be held but was still a pretty easy going kid.  Twos were ok, but around the age of 18months I couldn't bring him to Target or any other shopping trip (but especially not Target) because he would through a tantrum within a couple minutes of going in...guessing that was overstimulation.  Threes were worse than twos because he was just more defiant and for about 1-2 months before this baby was born he was doing better.  Not phenomenal, but he seemed a bit calmer.  Now it is terrible.  He argues with everything.  We give him choices with where to sit, how many pieces of food on his plate, what to wear, etc and he always comes up with an unavailable choice.  Then he is stubborn about it and begins a meltdown.  Every lunch and dinner he tells us that he is full after 2-5 bites and that he will not eat more.  During games he starts cheating when another is winning and then he knocks all the pieces off the board...every time.  he bangs around the baby swing because he knows he is not supposed to.  He interrupts probably 95% of my conversations with others.  He clearly desires my attention but I CANNOT give him enough.  I can take him out to do something one on one and for the 2 minutes I have to speak to someone else (cashier, server, etc) he begins making a scene.  He can dress himself if I lay out the clothes in a certain way, but if it doesn't work the first time then he breaks down.  Is it normal for a 4 yr old to chew his meat for a seriously long time?  He wants everything that another kid is playing with and gets in big fights because he wants their toy.  Basically he tests every boundary and desires to constantly be on the far side of the boundaries. 

It is not possible to give him 100% attention 100% of the time and anything less than that causes him act out.  I do not enjoy him any more, and look forward to any time away from him.  Each time he comes home from preschool or whenever I have been away from him I greet him with an excited voice and ask him about whatever he was doing and I have these great hopes that he will be in a happy mood, but it never happens or never lasts.  At this point I cannot wait for him to be 18 and get out, so how can I last 14 more years?  And yes I realize that he is miserable too but I don't know how to turn it around.  I try to plan special things with just him but even then we have big behavior issues.

Help? Support?  Advice?  

Jinsy80

I have a extremely difficult 4-year-old. We have issues with her every single day. And it's very hard to add a baby into the mix with a child like that. Do you have PPD though? I notice that your baby is very young. I feel for you, but your last paragraph just makes me sad. Do you have anyone that can give you more of a break from him? 

kris_kelsey

Thank you for your support and concern.  No PPD.  I had really bad baby blues after my son (only for 2 weeks though) and really no issues after my daughter other than situational sadness (ineffective nursing, then pumping, then food allergies and on special formula, and now appts with specialists about her food issues).  Really though she is a calm baby and i miss her when I am away.  I just can't enjoy being around a little boy who is constantly lashing out.  I try to be really calm and patient and he still lashes out and I'm so over it.     

RnMom2Be

I had a similar experience with my son from the time he was about 2.5-3 years old.  He has always been a high-needs kid and a challenge to discipline.  I know how you feel about not being able to enjoy him....I felt the same way.  DH and I formed a united front against the behaviors that we did not want to encourage....the defiance, the arguing, the negativity.  It was a rough six months......I also had a baby right after he turned 3 and that threw him for a loop for awhile.  All I can tell you is that we got through it......lots of time-outs, lots of taking his toys and privilages away and lots of encouraging good behavior.  I have found that having weekly one-on-one outings with him have helped.  I think your DS is just really craving attention as mine did.  Try to let go of what you can around the house and spend time with DS when your baby naps.  If all else fails, talk to his pedi about his behavior....hope this helps and know that you will get through this.  I now really enjoy being with DS everyday again.  I will be thinking of ya!!

anonsouthernbell

I think the book Playful Parenting (by dr. lawrence cohen)

could really help you both esp w/it to help you enjoy your DS again.

zoe_cat

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I can relate to a certain extent.  Four is my least favorite age so far.  DD is much more demanding, disagreeable, and difficult.  Everything from getting dressed and eating dinner and getting ready for bed is a battle.  I definitely find her more tiring and frustrating than enjoyable most of the time.  It sounds like you're doing everything right...one on one time, setting boundaries, etc.  Keep doing what you are doing.  I'm sure your DS is still adjusting to having a new baby at home and that may take a while longer.  I agree that talking to his pediatrician may be a good idea if his behavior keeps up.  Good luck, hang in there.

lilles

I am sorry you are going through this. We have been through something similar. I recommend the book Raising your Spirited Child. I like it because not only does it offer great advice on how to interact with your LO depending on his temperament but it also makes you feel like you are not alone and offers a lot of ideas and support for dealing with the kind of feelings you are having.

Something to take into account is that you do have a baby now and of course your oldest will want all the attention that used to be his before. It is natural to expect to act out more and due to his spirited nature his acting out can become unbearable to you. (Believe me I have been there). Be patient with him. It took us more than eight months for things to get better (but we had many stressful situations during that time.)

I know you say that you do not have PPD and you may not but remember that depression PPD or otherwise can manifest itself through feelings of anger and hatred towards others which you seem to have towards your son and not just the classic feelings of crying or moping around and not wanting to do anything. (Again, I have been there with the anger)

I suggest you talk to your doctor to address any possible depression/anxiety issues that you may have. Tell her exactly what you wrote here. Also talk to your pediatrician. A lot of the behaviors you mentioned are "normal" in the spirited child and I think that the new baby situation is a lot for your LO to deal with right now.

Please read the book that I mentioned. It will give you great tools for addressing your LO's behavior. Please be patient with yourself and your child. You will make it through this. Seek that help that you need. Things will get better, it might take longer than you wish but do not lose hope.

Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck!

septemberdreams

I have a very challenging just recently turned 5 DS.  I am consistent and don't back down and/or let him get away with inappropriate behaviors.  I tell him what I expect and what will happen if he doesn't cooperate.  He does not get open ended choices, maybe I'll give him a __ or __ option.  Mealtimes, his choice is to eat or not to eat and if he can't do it properly, he doesn't eat/mealtime is over. 

He does have a lot of anxiety and so I will let him know important/different events of the day and what to expect.

 

KathrynMD

I am very curious how much your LO is in daycare/preschool and if possibly giving him more time away from you might be beneficial for both of you?  Also - I khow you said he was in PS already - what do his teachers say about his behavior.  I think the key for you is to figure out if this in an issue w/ just you and LO or w/ other too.