Is My Mother Right? *AM* I Too Old?

FyreFlyeRush

I've been thinking that I might try to have another baby when DS is 2 via donor sperm. I don't want to go through Baby Daddy drama again. It's like a nightmare I'll never wake up from. Anyway...I looked into pricing and success and think its completely feasible. So, I brought it up to my mother toget her reaction, since I'm talking about having a 3rd child out of wedlock with yet another man (even if it's just scientifically.) Her reaction wasn't what I expected. She instead said, "38 is TOO old to have a baby, FFR." 

I was a little surprised. On the PG >35 board, I was one of the youngest women there. But...it was a really hard pregnancy, and he's a trying high needs baby...is she right? Am I too old? Or, should I keep my options open and do what I want when 37 rolls around? EDIT: I'm currently 35.

FyreFlyeRush

Just talked to my sister about it, and she's hung up on the 3 different dads part. I asked her if she'd be against it if I adopted, and she admitted she wouldn't be as muh. But, she also thinks 38 is too old. At 22, she still thinks 40 is old.

MrsJordanalmond

i was 39 with ds 1 and almost 43 with ds 2.

so to me 37 is not too old. 

gimmietimmies

That would make some of the ladies here ancient. I'm 38, so am I too old? A gf of mine just had one at 45 (she looks 30, lucky girl). Hell, both my grandmas didn't finish until their early 40's. Only you can decide if it works for you at 37 or 40 or whenever, but I personally don't think it's too old at all. I could spout the million things about medical advances, people living longer, average age of moms getting older, etc. None of it matters except how you feel. I love how moms can take something that was never an issue (at least to us) and try to make us doubt ourselves (I include my own mom in this, when she does this now I tune her out).

My own mom thinks that tattoos are horrendous, long hair doesn't belong on women over 30 and her taste in clothing (for me) is what I'd put on a plus size 60+ year old woman (she purchases clothing in 3x+ for me, I'm an XL). Moms aren't always right.

gimmietimmies

FyreFlyeRush:

Just talked to my sister about it, and she's hung up on the 3 different dads part. I asked her if she'd be against it if I adopted, and she admitted she wouldn't be as muh. But, she also thinks 38 is too old. At 22, she still thinks 40 is old.

I only count two dads, since the third you would be a sole parent. Not the same thing. I don't see adoption being different, except you wouldn't be giving birth. This would be your family, as you see it. The only "negative" would be how you choose to handle the situation and react to being a single parent. If you put a positive spin on your situation, your kids will too. I would put the brakes on anyone putting their two cents in that's unproductive and unsupportive (and unsolicited). All I would say is "Thanks, I've considered this, I've made my decision, this is not up for discussion", and move forward.

I do know where you're coming from on this, my SIL is dealing with this (and other SP things) all the time, and we get a kick out of the interesting advice and perspectives that people offer her up freely.

tcfreedom

I am a mother of 5 girls ages: 14, 13, 9, 7, and 4. DH and I are TTC our last child now. My mother was shocked and not so nice about the idea. I'm 37.5 yrs old and I know in my heart I'm a calmer, more organized, engaged, and all around better mother in my 30's than I was in my 20's. 

Its age, patience, experience... All together. I certainly enjoy my kids more and no longer feel the competitive need to be super mom and impress all the other moms like I did in my 20's. I don't think you are too old at all, but only you know in your heart if you can handle a 3rd child as a single parent. Be true to yourself is my best advice.  

FyreFlyeRush

Thanks ladies! Who knows how I'll feel in 2-3 years... But, I think I'll base it on what I want, not what other ppl think.

JilliansMoma

FyreFlyeRush:

Thanks ladies! Who knows how I'll feel in 2-3 years... But, I think I'll base it on what I want, not what other ppl think.

This is what I was going to say too FFR.  I am 38 now and just had a consult with my RE to do a FET for DC#3. (by the way, my mom is not so thrilled at the idea). The major thing is I don't FEEL 38!!  I also agree with PP I am a much better parent in my 30's than I ever could have been in my 20's.  Bottom line go with your gut and GL!

newbee36

FyreFlyeRush:

Thanks ladies! Who knows how I'll feel in 2-3 years... But, I think I'll base it on what I want, not what other ppl think.

 

Depends also on how you feel. Don't listen to others. I am 38 and if somebody comes to tell me I am old, s/he will be in trouble!  

aurora1974

I am 38 and just had DD2 in February.  I also have a 17 year old.  I never got any crap from people about my age, just about the fact that I was starting over again and how I must be crazy to do that.  Bottom line is: it's your life, your decision.  No one has to approve of your choices but you.  And as a pp said, I am much calmer now with this baby than I was with my first DD.  And I wouldn't change one single thing about my life.

urbanflowerpot

I'm pretty sure grandma's experience baby fever but since they can't indulge on that they just shower our LO's with love and affection.

You are not too old to want another baby! 

Orange and Green

In researching my family's genealogy I noticed women had babies starting in their 20's to their late 40's until about 1950 when birth control methods became more available.  I'm 5 wks pregnant at 37 with a 16 and 14 year old.  'Too old' only happens when you hit menopause and with today's advancements even that's not 'too old'.  

jessandandy09

oh ffr you know your mom just worries about you because she loves you! just like how she didnt want you to go through birth without an epi!  you are approaching your life choice logically by waiting to make the decision once the baby hormones die down. and by looking at options for route of insemination.  in two years when henry is two you will know how you feel and i am sure 37 isnt that different than 35 ( i am 35 also) My grandma was 42 when she had my mom and that was 1951!!!!

Sunidaze

Both DH and my father were born when their mothers were 39 (and both are the babies with siblings much older than them).  I had my only when I was 38 (currently 39).  Is perhaps the reason she is saying that is because you would be raising this child 'alone'?  Whereas if you were married or in a LTR, she wouldn't be batting an eye?

Pesky

Only if you feel too old.  I had DS at 37.  We originally planned to go for #3 before we decided our family felt complete with 2 but trust me, age would not have held me back from going for #3 if we felt that would be complete.  It's not too old but I would go in with your eyes open and find out if this means she would or would not be supportive of you or welcome the new grandbaby.  Just so you know what you are getting yourself into if you proceed.  FYI, DS's BFF is a sperm donor baby and is just a joy of a kid.

tcfreedom

Orange and Green:

In researching my family's genealogy I noticed women had babies starting in their 20's to their late 40's until about 1950 when birth control methods became more available.  I'm 5 wks pregnant at 37 with a 16 and 14 year old.  'Too old' only happens when you hit menopause and with today's advancements even that's not 'too old'.  

I have a 14 year old too and am TTC again. LOL, good to know I'm not alone! I don't think it's too old at all I'm 37.5 yo now - but then again, I'm obviously biased and perhaps a tad nuts.  I already have five girls.  Do you have any idea how much crazy estrogen is racing around this house? It gets down right scary here some days! LOL!! You eat the last piece of cake when three of us are having AF at the same time and someone might lose a finger.

carladillon

Certainly not! I had my first at 38 and am 41 with this one.  Keep the option on the table.  So much can happen in a couple years - you don't have to decide now.

Piranha54

Totally not too old in my opinion.  We got pg with DD when I was 41 and had her a week before my 42nd b-day.  A good friend just decided she was tired of waiting for Mr. Right and had IUI - she'll be induced tonight actually and is 42.

FyreFlyeRush

Well, I talked to my mom again, and she didn't recall the conversation at all. She said, "For crying out loud! I was 37 when I had your sister!" and I said, "I KNOW!!!" She thinks if I want to have another baby at 38, then I should go for it, and she would be 100% behind me. Either we had a misunderstanding, or she realized I was serious. She even said my sister has no room to speak wanting to have her 4th (3rd living) baby in a year, and she'll be 23. 

KerryHS

Had my third at 42.  You aren't too old. 

stever

No effing way you're too old! I'm 38 now and would go for another in a few years if it wasn't for my health issues.

3rdat40

I don't think you are too old. I am older than you and pg with my 3rd. However, I do think you have to consider how stretched you would be, with your time and your emotions, trying to raise 3 children alone. I've heard that raising 3 children is like having two full-time jobs. Sometimes having two children (who are both in elementary school and busy with many extra-curricular activies) is a big juggling act. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle another one in the mix, and I am married. So, I would really think about the logistics of it all, rather than your age.  

FyreFlyeRush

Well, it's actually more like raising 2. My daughter will be 19 and in college. I don't even know if she'll be in state. But, raising two small kids will be interesting.

jlw2505

I had my 2 girls at ages 35 and 37 and I will be honest - I am tired and I am married with a very involved spouse to help out.  Having said that, I also have a lot of friends having kids in their late 30's and into their very early 40's - so to answer your question, I think that only you can answer that.  For me, the thought of being a single mom to 3 kids would be a no way (doing it voluntarily, my mom was a single mom to 4 kids due to divorce and an inactive bio father).  But that is me and I am not you - only you can can decide what is right for you and your 2 kids (possible 3).  Think about it today and also think about what life will be like when you are 50 and 60 and 70 and how you will handle 3 kids with no spouse to support you.  Yes, you have family but take into consideration how much support you will get from them and your friends. I love my girls and could not imagine life without them or if I had been a parent in my 20's - no way.  Just the thought of having a 3rd right now, not for me.  Its a lot of work but totally worth it in the end and no one but you can decide when your family is complete.

NewlyWeds13

I am 42 and having my 2nd in 8 weeks.  I was 40 with my 1st.

I also take extremely good care of myself and am in better shape than many 25 year olds...

I never felt old in any way, physically had easy pregnancies, etc. 

I think it all depends on your health, your luck (if you have issues with you or the baby), genetics, and your state of mind.

there are no guarantees in life, but I don't think that it is helpful to make generalities.   38 might be too old for one person and not another.

I personally could not imagine and would not ever have wanted to have a child under 35.  BUT-- that is my choice based on who I am as a person, my and my husband's goals, etc.

It is a personal decision!  Only you know what is right for you!

Good luck with your decision.

 

ktshoff

Um, not too old!

anchiba

Hey, I'm ancient too! I was 39 when our son was born. I didn't feel old at all, but sometimes I do feel older because I don't have as much energy to chase after him. DH wants another one but I'm on the fence, but that's because I'm diabetic not because we'll be older.

My grandmother was 40 when she had my father. She had another one at 42, but that baby didn't survive long due to my grandmother's uncontrolled diabetes (this was in 1950). 

sararn2004

FyreFlyeRush:

Thanks ladies! Who knows how I'll feel in 2-3 years... But, I think I'll base it on what I want, not what other ppl think.

I totally agree. This is what should guide your decision. I am currently pregnant with #3. I have 2 kids by two different dads. One when I was just young and stupid, and the other with my ex husband. My DH and I are now expecting.  Ppl can judge, and they will, but whatever, we weren't letting that be the reason we'd have a baby or not. I have a past ppl, get over it, I want to say. (for me it's obvious too, because my son is half filipino, my daughter is half African American, and this one will be Caucasion...ppl can judge me all they want).

LesleyT

You're only as old as you feel.

I just had my 1st at 42 and plan on another in a year or two- and DH is 54- so your Mother def would think we are ancient lol

As far as the different Dads...all they need is LOVE. IF you have enough love to give, then go for it. I had a piece if shiite father--- I WISH it was a sperm donor!

Evaluate it when teh time is right and make your own decision...not everyone else's decision- afterall, it'll be YOU doing it, living it- not them.

GoneCountryYall

This happened to my mother too. I'm currently 24.5 with 23, 4, and 2 y/o sisters. When I found out my mom was pregnant again I thought she was joking. She was 17 when she had me and 38 and 42 with the last two. Everyone thought the two little ones were either mine or my other sister's children. When ever I was in the store with my mom and the girls were naughty my mom would think it funny to hand them to me and tell me to take care of "my" child. I helped a lot with raising them till I moved out of state. Even with the weird age gap I love them unconditionally. My parents always get crap about it too and I feel bad for them. Who's business is it anyway?

LuvinMyKids

My older sister just had #3 and she is 40.  I am almost 36 and still considering one more baby..... So, no, I don't think you're too old.