I'm really curious how others would handle this

nurrieum

I've been lurking on the SP board. There's a recent post from a BM- who's XH's girlfriend spanked her child and she's wondering if she should confront the girlfriend because her XH sees no problem with this.

Personally, I think the girlfriend has no business spanking this woman's child. I think it's a huge boundary issue and spanking someone else's child is grossly inappropriate.

However as far as confronting the GF, I think that would depend on the type of communication they already have. Since she's addressed it with her ex, trying to confront the GF could simply be asking for a drama fest. If they are able to communicate openly and positively already then perhaps this is an option. However if the XH didn't see a problem with it- then I doubt the GF would see how that was inappropriate.

I felt ill-equip to reply because I haven't been in this situation and I also don't know how a CO or anything would apply to this. Because it happened under XH's care I have no idea if there's anything she could do about it.

 When it comes to disciplining my SS- DH, BM, and I had a discussion on what we do. When it comes to disciplining my SS, first my DH and I discussed it and I also discussed it with BM. I think there are a lot of different options for correcting a child so if there was something BM hadn't been comfortable with- adjustments could easily have been made. We didn't run into that problem but I don't think it's unreasonable at all for a BM to say- "Hey, don't spank my child. That's a boundary issue and it's inappropriate." However this is a situation where I feel like I'm too "new" to be giving any advice. How would you guys handle this?

 

The original post: https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/67093505.aspx

Rhenna

If some woman spanked my child I would absolutely say something to her and tell her to keep her hands off.  I would then tell the ex that he needs to ensure that she doesn't lay a hand on my son or we will be in court.  I would be contacting an atty immediately and if possible amending the CO to have language stating that disciplining our child physically is either not allowed or may only be done by a biological parent.  That entire situation just would not fly with me at all!

VanessaB24

I have a SD and i would never spank her. She's not MY child. If her parents want to do it well then be it but i wouldn't. I don't see how his gf would even think its right or ok. ugh people sometimes...

nurrieum

I agree. I don't see how that could or would be acceptable at all. I would be freaking livid. I've gotten pretty upset because my in laws tried spanking my SS and DH got that addressed right away. It's not appropriate at all.

bebe11

If my ex-husbands girlfriend spanked my DD, you bet your azz I'd confront her.  I don't even spank my own daughter. 

rachi1285

I think that BM is right, especially since woman is just the GF and not the SM. But if she's already confronted the BD about it, I don't think she should contact the GF. Doesn't everyone preach that communication should be between the BD and BM?

 In our case, BM doesn't agree with spanking. DH spanks the kids very, very occasionally but he and I agree that I don't. I discipline the kids as much as he does, just not in that particular way.

Chance5291

Unfortunately I would hit the roof if someone hit my child for any reason other than they were trying to drink poison and the adult smacked it out of their hands. I can't even put myself in that position because it's upsetting just to think about.

Short is I would go ballistic, long is I would ensure it never ever happened again 

CurlyQ284

I would go ape.shiit. No she should not be spanking the child. Even if she was a SM and not a GF, she shouldn't be the one to spank. No freaking way. I don't have a problem with discipline but for spanking, I really think that needs to be left to bio parents, that could open up a whole bunch of problems.

hopanka

I'd kick her teeth in....serious...nobody touches my kid

nurrieum

I think it's inappropriate even if they were married for a SM to spank if the BM is uncomfortable (rightly so). However I think it's just ridiculous that the XH would allow his GF that much of a parental role with his child. When I was GF- I was a GF- not another parent. If SS was in my care I was like a babysitter- not a parent. No matter how long they have "been together" or whatever "motherly role" this GF thinks it's okay to take- it's not. I get some peoples situations are different but this little girl clearly has a relationship with her mom so trying to insert someone who is still considered "temporary" into a parental role to me just seems ridiculous. Granted it's unclear exactly how involved this GF is, if she thinks it's okay to spank someone elses child then she's crossed the line into acting in an area that should be left to a parent. So I was kind of flabbergasted at the whole girlfriend thing- just as I was the spanking issue. 

Holly_1007

as a SM I would never spank SD.  If she did something so godawful that she needed to be spanked, DH would be the one doing it. (I don't recall ever having this issue though, and I don't think DH ever spanked her)

that being said, as a BM, I do (very rarely) spank DS (more that I have spanked him a handful of times and threaten it more frequently when he isn't behaving)

BUT if someone else spanked my child, oh hellllll no.  I don't care who you are, if you aren't the child's parent, you have no right to spank!

karleegirl

tifanico:

If the father is not willing to do anything, of course I would talk to her. I would then contact a lawyer.  

this!

kali55

I would never spank my SDs.  I just don't feel comfortable with that type of discipline with them.  I worked at a daycare while I was in university and learned that with school aged children you can provide discipline without having to spank.  My DH does spank his daughters and he has told me that I should spank them if they are really bad but I've never felt that was my place. 

FutureMrsWittig

BM has told me she has no problem with me spanking SD.  But I don't.  If she needs spanked that's up to my H.  DH has told BM that if SD needs spanked at her house he wants her to be the one to do it, not her husband.

I'd be calling my attorney and not the GF if it were my child in question.  And maybe filing a police report.

emikat

I would never spank SS even if DH and BM did.  I just wouldn't cross that line in case there was EVER any question as to why I was doing so.  I am 100% involved in discipline in this house, but that's one thing I wouldn't do.  Too big of a chance of it exploding into issues that would stretch much farther than the household.  No thank you.  That said, if I had a child and my XH was allowing his GF to spank my child, I'm sure I would be irritated.  I don't know how I could control that though, if he thinks it's an acceptable form of punishment, and it happened in his household. But still, I'm surprised that she would do it.  

karatechrissy

This was one problem we had to deal with super douche (BM's now EXH) about. He spanked SS, a lot. SS wa starting to come home w bruises and telling us he threw him to the ground and what not. DH approached BM, she said SS was lying. It doesn't happen. After more and more times of him coming him DH flat out asked her what was going on at a pick up. SS said SD spanked him. BM said e doesn't spank him. SS said its when you work mom. BM still denied. Super douche came out of the other room and said ya I spank him when he needs it. My H said it is not to happen again. (BM had had a FIT with someone SUGGESTING this I spank SS. I've never done it and she had a huge talk about how I will not touch her son etc etc...) so when DH said that BM told him it wasn't his business etc etc... We went to court over it, had CPS involved... Last yr was a train wreck. Nothing happened, but BM ended up divorcing him a couple months ago. Sorry for the long story, I guess I would just say that her confronting her isn't going to do much, and gf might see it as a challenge and spank the child just to give a 'I'll do what I want' MSG toBM. That's what super douche did to SS and my H. I think a confrontation is a can of works, and while I totally agree that girlfriends/boyfriends (even step parents) shouldn't be touching a child that isn't there's, if the bio dad is allowing it, the gf isn't going to give a shizz what BM has to say.