Lying

mommyof4boys

Matthew has been lying on a regular basis and I don't know how to deal with his behavior.  He is so stinking obvious; things like "I didn't color all over this floor/pillow pet, etc" when he has a crayon/marker in his hands that is the exact color of what was colored.  This morning was "I didn't touch Chris' apple.  It was mine."  We didn't give Matthew an apple and Chris was the only one who had an apple.  I am so tired of this behavior and how he is in melt down mode over it upstairs.  What can be done other than a social story?

mommyof4boys

-auntie-:

Sounds like he's lying to avoid a consequence which is actually a good thing. It requires a certain rudimentary Theory of Mind even if he really sucks at the practice.

The way I dealt with this-

In the elementary years was to basically ignore it. Firstly, don't put him in a position to lie by asking him if he took the apply if he's holding it. Remember, he has the emotional wherewithall of a much younger child and his "magical thinking" phase could still be engaged. He could be saying what he wishes in hopes that it makes it so. In these sorts of instances, I would say "I know you regret coloring on the wall, but I know you did it and you need to apologize/make it right."

As he got older, we had a lot of lying around school work. I made it a practice to verify every utterence and expressed disappointment at having so to do when I caught. When he was at his worst around homework so I took away the pay-off for lying by giving him a one hour study period daily regardless of whether he had assigned homework or not. I also explained that his word would not be taken against teachers if I could not believe what he said. That I would not defend or advocate for him if I was going to look like an ass doing so because he lied. I think that's what finally scared him straight.

Boy scouts really helped around this because so much of the Cub's Promise and Scout Oath/Law speak to having the character and bravery to speak the truth at all times.

 

 We signed him and Jon up for Cub Scouts for the fall.  I typically don't ask "Did you do X?" but my husband did today.  I don't even ask "Why" anymore.  I am starting to get burnt out trying to deal with everyone's everything and try to explain to George why I do things the way I do.  

He needs to help a lot more in a few weeks; I am having heart surgery in 2 weeks  and won't be able to do some things for a few days and add to that about 2 weeks after my surgery I have to go to my sister's to keep her 2 daughters while she has baby number 3.  My mom asked me to keep the girls while she goes to the hospital with my sister.  I'm leaving my boys with George and expecting things run smoothly while I am recovering and away.

mommyof4boys

It is like having an extra kid.  I have told him and he'll "forget" and parent in a different way.  You and I both know you can't ask a kid with ADHD/autism, etc "why".  They act on impulse and just "do".  The funny thing about preference is that the kids talk about everything I do for them to their teachers.  They told their teachers this past year that "Mommy is must be older because she acts more responsible."  In reality I am 7 years younger.  

As far as my sister, I had been originally asked to come to help her set up a schedule since she will have a 5 year old, a 17 month old, and a newborn.  I am anal about schedule with the boys.  It happened with the twins as schedule is an important thing about multiples.  My sister asked me to help her since she will need to figure out how to manage a toddler and a newborn.  My boys were not quite 2 when we had Chris so she thought I could help her and teacher her how to manage 2 close in age.  My sister is having complications and is now on bedrest which is my mom wants to go.  I told my mom that they needed a backup just in case I am still not feeling well.  

When I have my surgery, my mom will be on vacation.  The doctor squeezed me in and her vacation has been planned for a bit.  I thought I was being greedy to ask her to cancel it for me.  George's mom is going to take the boys and I'll be in the hospital.  George will be with me.  I think my mom is thinking I'm going to manage without her. She has told people I'm rather tough with things.  I was giving my sister's bridal shower a week after I had my rotator cuff repaired.  Her shower date had been scheduled and I just so happened to need surgery after the date had been settled. I also got in the car and drove the 5 hours to their house 2 weeks after I had Chris.  I had a c-section with him.   This was the case here as well.  My sister had her c-section date scheduled last month and I scheduled my surgery 2 weeks ago.  She found out Monday she had to go on bedrest and now my mom wants to be there for her c-section.  My incisions will be on my legs and neck.

 As far as Matthew goes, we've noticed a LOT more going on with him.  I called psychiatrists in our area that are in network and no one has returned my calls.  He is crying randomly, whiny, manipulating, mouthy, etc.  I have sat and asked him what was going on when he wasn't in the "throws" of it and he can't say.  There's something that had to have happened to trigger his behaviors and I can't figure it out.