When did you stop..

Williamandshawnna

If you started, when did you stop blaming yourself/feeling like it was your fault for the loss of your child/children? I know we all handle things differently and I know we all will start our new normal in our own time.

Everyday I ask myself what if I tried harder? What if I wasn't so stressed that last week and especially that last day of work (only a day before my water broke on baby A)? What if I asked more questions? What if I didn't get up to shower and go to the bathroom during my bedrest? What if I didn't ask the right questions? What did I do to take 3 sons, grandchildren and nephews away from my family? What if..what if...whatif... That is what goes through my head all of the time.

Mrs Nice

The "what if?" question can drive anyone crazy. I know I still ask myself this question. I can hear it a thousand times that it wasn't my fault, and in my heart I know this, but as mothers we can't help but feel responsible. Our children are ours to protect. 

There was no way you could have prevented what happened. No way to know what was going to happen. Please be gentle with yourself. Your grief is still so new. Trust me when I say that the pain never goes away but it WILL get easier to carry. Slowly. 

Your boys knew your love, and will always have it. 

mollywobbles13

I think I really stopped blaming myself at my pp visit. The doctor explained that sadly it just happens and there was NOTHING, not a thing I could have done differently. I do still wonder what if I would have forced the doctor to check more when I said she was moving less and less or checked the (tmi) discharge I was having. In the end there was nothing you could have done. Just remind yourself of that.

Lavender&Lillies

I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. For me, this has been one of the hardest things to overcome since losing my son. I tried to do everything right while I was pregnant, in order to protect my baby boy. When he was stillborn, I wanted to know why. Now I know that I will not be given a reason that he died. The autopsy was inconclusive.

For several weeks after losing him, I would replay everything that had happened in the days leading up to him being stillborn. It was a pretty normal couple of days, but I wondered if there was anything that I did or could have done to change this outcome, so that he would be here with us. For me, what helped was asking lots of questions to the nurses and doctors taking care of me. They all reassured me, 1) It was not my fault, 2) I did everything right, 3) There was nothing I could have done. In the times when my brain wouldn't give me any rest, I would replay these three statements in my head.

Now, 10 weeks out, I don't feel that sick feeling in my stomach wondering if it was my fault. I still miss him every day, but I know now that it wasn't my fault that he died and that makes it hurt just a little bit less. 

I don't know if that was helpful, but I hope that you find some peace and remember to give yourself time to begin to heal from this heartbreaking loss. 

lrichmond86

For me, while I am completely certain that there was nothing different that I could have done that would have saved my son, I still feel guilt that it was a malfunction of MY body that took him from us.  In particular, that took him from DH.  The truth of the matter is that it was my body that didn't work correctly (we lost our son to a cord accident in combination with a partial placental abruption).  There is nothing I could have done about the cord accident... it's just a freak thing.  But the placental abruption could have been caused by my pre-e.  The Dr. says that it wasn't, but I've researched enough to know that there is a small chance that it was.  I struggle with this thought every day.  I know that I am the only person who could give DH a son and I'm the only person who could take that away from him.  He doesn't blame me, and when I'm in a good frame of mind I don't either.  But that small percentage of time when I'm hurting it's still hard to keep these thoughts from crossing my mind.  The road to healing is a long one and I'm not sure that it ever really ends.  I like to think that overall I'm doing a good job, taking it a day at a time, but I still have bad days.  I'm sorry that your dealing this these feelings right now, but I believe that they are an important part of the process.  Like I said, it never goes away, but it does get better.  Big hugs to you!

Heatherhah

The what ifs suck plain and simple. I did that the first 3 weeks after she passed away. We have no reason why our DD died and that tortures me all the time. I think maybe I slept wrong and she died because of me or maybe I did something else to cause her death but the big picture is she just died and there was nothing I could do to change it. It sucks and it is terrible to have to deal with the loss of any child but it is not your fault.

Your boys love you and they know you did all you could do for them.

It has been over 9 months since we lost Sydney and while it gets easier the what ifs are always going to be there just not like they were so early on.

Thinking of you!!

Heather

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm 7 months out and I still do this.  It's a battle of head and heart for me.  In my head, I know that there was nothing we did wrong.  He was just at the pediatrician's 2 days before and got a clean bill of health, we used sanitizer religiously, didn't take him "out" much etc.  But in my heart I can't stop saying "I'm mommy and my baby was sick and I didn't know" and that kills me.  It does get a bit easier with time and my head helps to calm my heart but I still think about it.  What if I didn't go into PTL?  What caused it?  Maybe he'd still be with us if we didn't take him to Thanksgiving?  {{HUGS}} hope you become more gentle on yourself.

nuttycoconut

I want to be more helpful to you but today I'm not as strong because I woke up blaming myself again. All I can say is that it comes and goes, like the overwhelming grief. You'll have days when you know that everything that could have been done, was done. Other days you'll play the awful "what if" game. It's really hard not to feel guilty. I just hope that you know in your heart that it truly was NOT your fault. You loved and cared about your babies and would have done anything for them. You did not want this and you did not cause this. If any of us could go back and change things, we would. But sadly, that's not possible. It's always good to hear from people who are further out, that we'll all smile and be happy again someday.  I'm sorry about your precious sons.

Williamandshawnna

Thank you all for your kind words. I am sure at some point it will be a little easier, but right now the what ifs are winning. However all of you ladies and your stories help me make it through each day. Although I wish none of us had to share our stories of loss. Thank you all for the support.

-Shawnna

magdalina.h

This past march

Bayberry12

The self blame and guilt creep in almost everyday.  I think I always will feel these feelings, even though I know I did every thing I was supposed to, I can't help but play those last days/week over in my head, and think I should have done something differently, I should have done something.  

Now, it's not the same overwhelming weight it was in those early days, but it's still there every now and then.   

weddedwife

I still do this sometimes. In my situation my son was still alive up until delivery and it is possible if I had gone in that morning, or that afternoon, that things could've ended up differently. But I will never ever know that for sure. So I try to just shut those thoughts off when they do come, they are not going to do me any good, they can't change anything. Of course I still wonder but I try to not let the what ifs take over.