*Loss Check-In*

Mrs Nice

Hello Ladies,

I am so sorry to see that so many new Loss Mommas have joined this week. Please join in here and share as much or as little as you would like. Any lurkers, please join when you are ready. 

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go? 

Mrs Nice

 Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)When I was Pg with Ian, I had to pee ALL THE TIME!  Then when I went for my a/s it showed him kicking my bladder! It looked like he was dancing on it. He did it for the entire time I was there. The tech kept calling him a "little monkey!" So no wonder I had to pee so much!When Ian was born, he was the most beautiful baby. He had lots of dark wavy hair and great big feet. I wish I could share a picture here but they are not on a disc and I don't have a scanner. A few months after we lost Ian, I had a dream. He was maybe 3-4 years old and I was the only one who could see him. We played for a bit, then cuddled while I sang to him. After a while my Grandfather, who passed away a few years ago, came and told me it was time to let him go. I watched my Grandfather carry him away while he looked back at me and waved. I woke up balling my eyes out but it has brought me some peace.After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) I was surprised when one of the nurses told me that my milk would come in. I shouldn't have been but I just hadn't thought about it with everything else that was going on. I later had to go out and buy a new bra that would be big/tight enough. I broke down crying in Sears. It was horrible. A few weeks after I lost Ian I was having to take sleeping pills. I cried myself to sleep every night. Then one night I suddenly had the thought to take the whole bottle so that I could just sleep forever. This thought really scared me. I had never had any thoughts like that before. I dumped all the pills in the toilet and held my DH extra tight that night. I couldn't bear the thought of what my DH would go through if he lost me too. He became my reason for living during that very difficult time. Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? The same thought is always on my mind. What would Ian look like now? What would he be learning? What would make him laugh? I hate that I will never know what he would of been like. GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go? I would love to travel to Ireland or Scotland one day.  

jbranden12

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

Patricia was so beautiful when she was born. Even though she was over 4 lbs, my water never broke and she came out in her sac so her delicate little features were protected. She looked just my DH. 

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.)

I felt as prepared as I could be because I carried her for two more days after we found out she passed so I was able to research a lot (including on this board) and get an idea of what labor and delivery, etc. would be like. I think the strangest thing for me was realizing that the world would keep spinning and life would go on when something so Earth-shattering had happened to our family. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

My grandparents recently moved here to TX from up north. I thought we would be introducing them to their great-granddaughter, but instead last night we went through her memory box. It was really hard. I miss her so much. It's horrible that I can't be happy for anyone around me who gets pregnant and I just want time to stop until I can have another baby. I also know that won't take the pain away.  

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

There are so many places I want to visit, but right now I am dreaming of a river cruise in China. 

philfemgal

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

I feel like I really don't have a lot of positive memories.  I hadn't yet felt Alice move when I went into labor.  And I didn't spend much of the pregnancy--especially the latter part--being happy or appreciating being pregnant or trying to bond with the baby(ies).  Once we lost B I just couldn't relax.  I was also really stressed and sick and uncomfortable the last couple weeks before I went into labor (I had to travel to a conference for job interviews) and I feel kind of guilty that I spent some of the last days I had with our baby feeling miserable and unhappy.  (And I am also angry that I had to go to the interviews and be so stressed and unhappy in the first place.)

I know there are positive memories, but I think I may have blocked them all!  The week before I had Alice our friends threw us a mini-shower (way, way too early for a shower but we weren't going to see them again until the baby was born) including funny games for my wife and I like trying to suck water out of bottles without using our hands.  My mom also had the living room almost filled with baby gifts at Christmas. 

I guess one special feature of Alice was that she seemed to have the same cheekbone and nose structure that my dad and I have, so she sort of looked like me.  My wife pointed this out right after she was born.  And then we had a drawing done based on the pictures from the hospital and sent the picture to family and they said they saw the resemblance too.

 

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

I don't think I was prepared for anything really.  I never thought about the possibility of just going into full on labor at 18 weeks.  I guess because at 14 weeks B died in utero, that is what I was afraid of with Alice too.  Since I never thought about it, I didn't realize that a "miscarriage" at 18 weeks was really labor and delivery, but with a much, much smaller baby.

I was warned at the hospital that my milk might come in so I did know that it might happen.  I didn't have any idea what it would be like though so I still felt unprepared when it happened.  Luckily it didn't fully come in (I don't think).  About 5 days after I delivered I noticed my boobs being extra painful.  And then started noticing that my shirt would suddenly be wet when I didn't spill anything.  It took a few times to realize what was happening. 

I was not prepared for what things would be like emotionally.  I did not realize that our loss at 18 weeks would feel so, so different than our loss at 14 weeks of one of the twins.  I didn't realize that I would feel the need to name Alice and that I would be so, so devastated 6 months later.

 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Lots of stuff related to TTCAL which I mentioned in the other check in.  Also today is exactly 6 months since Alice was born.

 

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

If it were free?  Probably to a few places in Europe--Italy, France, Greece and the Greek islands--and probably on a cruise.

Petunia844

I'm so sorry to all of the new mamas on the board.  I haven't responded to all of your intros individually but you are all in my heart, I have read your stories and I'm so so sorry to find you here.  I hope you find comfort amongst women who understand and in "meeting" people at different stages in our journeys.

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...) How can I pick just one?  I love his kicks, I loved getting to know him inside of my belly.  He has given me so much love, he has given me so much compassion for other people.  He has taught me more in his short life than anyone else ever will. 

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.)  I knew that my milk would come in, I wasn't prepared for how much that would hurt me.  After he died, I didn't care what happened to me physically.  My mom made a huge deal of a certain nurse doing my IV because I'd had her before and I just wanted to yell "I don't give a sh*t what you do to me! My son's gone, don't you get it??"  That was just my whole attitude, I didn't care about me or if things hurt me... so I wasn't prepared for how hard the milk coming in would be.  It was such a physical and emotional kick in the face.  My husband was amazing through it though... I also wasn't prepared to be sad when the milk went away.  It was a feeling like "well, that's it, my body's given up on him."  It's just all so so hard, nothing you can prepare yourself for.  Just lean on who you need to, there is a future beyond those first few weeks.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? A lot, nearing the 3rd tri with my rainbow just makes me think so much of my Peyton.  How close we were to bringing him home.... it's a big mess of emotions.

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go? I don't know really....but DH and I would love to go to Europe together, we've been separately when we were younger but never together.

 

jbranden12

philfemgal:

I feel kind of guilty that I spent some of the last days I had with our baby feeling miserable and unhappy. 

I totally understand this. A week before we lost Patricia, I was diagnosed with GD. It was mild (I failed the two middle drawings but was well under the cutoff on the last one) and controlled by diet, but I was SO upset about it. I was angry and miserable that I was going to have to test my sugar and that I wouldn't get to "enjoy" the last few weeks of my pregnancy the way I thought. I feel guilty about it, but of course I had no idea what was coming. I know now that GD is not that big of a deal, and I hope I can be more level-headed next time.

Lavender&Lillies

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

Braxton loved music. We always said that he loved to dance because when we would listen to music he would get really active.  

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

My milk coming in was extremely painful both physically and emotionally. Although I knew that my milk would come in, I guess I wasn't prepared for what that was actually like. It was such a cruel reminder of what I should be doing and hurt far worse than I thought it would. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

We got through my cousin's wedding this weekend, which was one of the first big events that I planned to bring Braxton too. I pictured him wearing a cute little outfit with a vest that matched my bridesmaid's dress and dancing with him at the reception.  

This week, I am missing Braxton and thinking about trying for another baby. 

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go? 

Tough choice: I have always wanted to travel to Europe, but I would also love a relaxing trip to Hawaii.

tuscanbride2007

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

I think I shared this before, but on two separate ultrasounds, she flipped us off. We always thought that she was going to be our little hellion. I was looking forward to seeing how this spunky girl was going to turn out.

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

The whole thing was shocking. Because I didn't have a baby at home, I wondered why I was so sore after giving birth and why I had no energy or why I looked at my body and I still looked pregnant. When my milk came in, I was so upset. I don't know if it was because I breastfed DD #1, but it took almost 2 weeks to finally subside.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

While we were at the hospital, DH's family had taken all of the baby items out of the house and put them in our shed so that we didn't have to see them. DH went through the shed last week and moved the items into the garage and now we are deciding whether to put them in the attic, put them in the guest room or sell them. 

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

I am desperately wanting to go back to Italy. There are so many places that we didn't see last time and I want to take about a month to tour!

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

When Corbin slept he made noises that sounded like a sheep or a goat.  He was also a glorious farter.  So much that the nurses in the NICU mentioned it in their shift change reports.  He even farted so loud once that he startled himself and woke himself up.  We also have tons of pictures where he's holding his nose.  He definitely had DH's personality.  Even though they never fully changed, he was going to have my eye color which I've always loved

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

How "normal" everything felt when it wasn't supposed to be like that anymore.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Had an offer on our house, waiting to hear back on the counter.  Keep thinking about our dream house that we can't wait to put an offer on.

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go? 

I've always wanted to go to Hawaii or Australia or Italy.  Going to Italy and many other countries on our Mediterranean cruise in October.

xxswebbxx

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

Hmm....I guess the one I like the best is how Olivia smiled at us. We never got to see a smile while she was with us but my last 4 ultrasound pictures I have of her she looks like she was smiling in all of them...even laughing in one.

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

I knew my milk was gonna come in, I went threw it with DD but it took SO long I thought it wasn't gonna happen...well then it did. I wasn't prepared for the mood swings with coping. Last week I was fine, almost back to normal. This week has been hell, i've cried myself to sleep every night. Things don't get better, I feel like I miss her now more than ever!

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Pregnant woman & how I wanna punch them in the face, especially since I seen TWO yesterday smoking!

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

I would love to go back to Europe but this time with my family. I went twice in High School as class trips.

karebear57

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

At my a/s the tech did a transvag. and got a great shot of Brianna kicking down at the wand! During the whole u/s she was really moving around and mad at us for bothering her! 

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

When I went in to have her I didn't think I would want to hold her but after I had her I held her for 7 hours straight. I talked to her about us, how much she is missed, I even gave her kisses. 

I wasn't prepared for my milk. I don't know why I didn't think it was gonna happen but I was caught so off guard, I ran in the bathroom and cried. My dh read up on what could help dry it up and was such a help for me. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

How I wish she was here with us like it should be. And once again, how hot it has been here!

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

I have always wanted to go to Italy. 

lmielocl1

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

Although my entire pregnancy was a rollercoaster, being pregnant with our little boy, made me so happy! I remember waking up in the mornings just being so happy.  I miss that feeling so much!  And when he was born sleeping, his fingers & toes were so perfect!  He was very fragile but I could not stop staring at his fingers/toes.  I am so glad that we spent several hours with him to say goodbye.  And I am so glad we took pictures too.   We also planted a tree in honor of Ethan and I find peace in watering his tree every night.   

 After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.) 

Since I was not induced until the day after we had found out, I did a lot of reading online about the physical aspect.  I was not prepared for the emotional aspect.  I have never felt so numb & sad in my life - but I am slowly learning that it is ok to cry when I need to cry.  I usually try to be the strong one but I am learning it is ok to not be so strong.  I know that I will never be the same person.  There is a piece of my heart that will always be missing.   

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Since I will be 40 very soon & both of our sons were conceived with fertility treatments, we have decided to talk about future options with our RE.  We set up an appointment for the 23rd of July.  I know I am not ready to start TTC right away but I am thinking a lot about having a plan in place for when we are ready to start TTC.   Having a plan and having hope again will help my healing process.  

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

We have always wanted to go on either a Mediterranean cruise or a Northern Baltic Sea cruise.  

~ Leslie

Mommy to Aaron, 20 months and our angel, Ethan, born too early at 18w on 6/15/12. 

https://lmielocl1-lesliejourney.blogspot.com/ 

awitt8

Share something positive and/or special about your LO. (Favourite memory, feature, etc...)

He looked just like his dad.

After the initial shock of losing your LO, was there anything that you were not expecting or prepared for? (ie. how you LO looked, milk coming in, thoughts or feelings, etc.)

All of it. I hated the way I looked most of all, still do to some extent. I was not prepared for how badly it all felt without him.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I am finishing up my first week back to work. It has been a rollercoaster but mostly has gone well.. Missing Colter and feeling like I am moving on which is so hard.

GTKY: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Italy and France for the food and wine!