Infertility Veterans

DE ladies and those thinking about it

I saw this on another website and I thought i would share. 

Infertility and the Emotional Aspects of Having a Child Through Donor Eggs
By: Laurel T. Kline, Psy.D.


From my experience working with couples who are struggling with infertility, I have come to understand the painful transition a couple must go through in order to make a decision to use donor eggs. This is a difficult process, often plagued with anger, resentment, fear and loss. However, there is a basic pattern that this transition seems to follow. The purpose of this article is to provide couples considering egg donation with an emotional roadmap to assist them in the process. By no means comprehensive, it is intended as an introduction so that couples may begin discussing the potential implications of their decision.

The following is a series of steps that most women and/or couples go through as they begin to consider egg donation. (Note: An assumption made in this article is that the womans egg quality and/or egg production is a contributing factor in the couples infertility.) Your transition may not parallel these steps exactly, but you will likely travel through most, if not all, of these stages, and experience many of these feelings somewhere along the road.


Stage 1: The Hope of Success in Producing a Genetic Child Begins to Wane

After each failed cycle, the fear that you may not be able to bear a genetic child understandably increases. You may begin to ask yourself, What if this doesnt work? However, alongside your fear exists a continued hope and a strong desire to continue your pursuit to have a genetic child. Having a genetic child still seems possible and you continue on your course towards achieving that goal. You may vacillate between periods of optimism and periods of depression as you proceed through each cycle. Egg donation and adoption are not something that you consider during this phase.


Stage 2: Anger and Frustration Build Over Continued Failed Cycles

During this phase, you intensify your efforts and begin to pursue more and more aggressive medical treatments. Infertility now becomes the focus of your life. All of your decisions and plans are made within the framework of your monthly cycle and when you need to be available for procedures, inseminations, and transfers. There is mounting frustration over the large cost of continuing to make more attempts and resentment that the amount of investment has not produced results.

During this stage, it is not uncommon for conflicts to arise within the couple over how much more each of you are willing (or able) to invest, emotionally and financially, in the pursuit of having a genetic child. The anger you have towards yourself (and your body) may increase, as well as the anger towards other women who seem to get pregnant so easily. You may no longer view yourself as a complete woman, and despair may creep in as the fear that you will never be able to have your own child rises.


Stage 3: Initial Thoughts About Egg Donation Arise But Are Quickly Rejected

At this stage in the process, you feel that egg donation is synonymous with failure. Although you may recognize that other women are able to choose egg donation as a solution, you still view the process with skepticism and cannot accept it for yourself. You may fear that your family and friends will judge you negatively if you use an egg donor. You may also question the motivations of egg donors, suspecting that they are all financially desperate, unstable women who are donating just to make a buck.

Although egg donation is contemplated during this phase, the idea is rejected. The basis for this rejection typically stems from a core fear that you will not be able to fully embrace and love an egg donor child as your own. You may also consider adoption during this phase, but, again, adoption feels like an option that will not work for you. Having dismissed the alternative options of egg donation and adoption, you continue with your full-force efforts to produce a genetic child. Levels of frustration, depression and despair rise as your attempts fail and your chances of success lessen.


Stage 4: Viewing Egg Donation as a Second-Choice Option

The ability to view egg donation as a second-choice option may offer you some relief, as it allows some hope that you will become a parent, even if you are not able to produce a child genetically. Since egg donation enables you to become pregnant (and gives you control over prenatal care and custody), you begin to view egg donation as a better option (for you) than adoption. The knowledge that your child will have ? of a genetic link with its parents (if you are using the husbands sperm) may also be comforting to you.

As you begin to research egg donation, the information you uncover may help you to develop some confidence in the process. Your fear about the motivation and character of the women who donate their eggs begins to subside as you speak to others who have turned to egg donors for help. Seeing the donor as someone who is giving a gift becomes easier. However, new concerns may surface such as the fear that the egg donor will become emotionally attached to your child or that your husband (if you are married) will not view you as the childs mother.

You may wish that you could feel as positively about a donor child as you do a genetic child, but you do not. You still view egg donation as a second choice, a choice that will bring you less happiness. In this stage, it is difficult to imagine that a donor child will feel like your child.


Stage 5: Giving Up

This is usually the most painful step in the process. In giving up, there is a sense of failure, loss and despair. It seems that nothing will ever come close to being able to replace your genetic child. As you mourn the loss of your genetic child, you may view your future with bleakness and negativity, and you may wonder if you will ever recover from this loss.

It is common, during this phase, to reflect on your own genetic strengths and to despair over the fact that these traits will not be passed down to your children. Without a genetic link to the future, you may feel a sense of disconnection. You may fear that your uniqueness in this world will die out, and that nothing of your existence will last into the future. Subsequently, you may experience your current existence in the world as less significant. In addition to the loss of your genetic child, you may feel a loss of the opportunity to love the baby you. The loss of the opportunity to love a part of you (your genetic child) in the way that you wish you would had been loved as a child, is very painful.


Stage 6: Letting Go

This is the time where the couple says goodbye to the genetic child. Much of the mourning has occurred prior to this phase, and there is a sense of being able to move on and let go. Letting go brings relief. Although the goodbye is painful, it opens up a space for hopefulness. It opens up a space to welcome in the non-genetic child.


Stage 7: Welcoming the Egg Donor Child

As you search for the appropriate donor candidate and begin to identify donors with whom you are comfortable, you will likely feel a welcomed sense of renewed optimism. Your fears that you will not fully attach to the donor child (as well as your concerns about the egg donor possibly attaching to the child) fully abate as you develop a sincere appreciation for the donor and the gift she is giving you. As you reflect on some of the donors characteristics, you may come to value many of her unique strengths, strengths that are not necessarily a part of your own genetic make-up (i.e. less heart disease in the family, more musical ability). As you near the end of your journey, you come to realize that egg donation is a good choice for you. You no longer feel that a donor child is inferior to having a genetic child, nor do you feel that it will bring you less happiness. You can acknowledge that you want this child (the donor child) as much as you wanted a genetic child.


Stage 8: Embracing the Donor Child As Your Own

From the very first sight of your newborn baby, you melt into the joy that is your child. As you hold your precious, fragile little miracle and take inventory of all her fingers and toes, you realize this child is yours: yours to love and guide; yours to hold and comfort through the laughter, tears, joys and sorrows; yours to impart your insights and wisdom; yours to prepare for the world in which she will live. This child is yours forever and always. The knowledge of her genetic origin serves only as a testimony to the wonders this life has to offer, and to the extraordinary kindness of one very special woman who helped make your dreams come true.


About Dr. Laurel T. Kline...

Laurel T. Kline, Psy.D. is a therapist based in Beverly Hills, CA, specializing in infertility issues, marriage/couples issues, addiction issues, depression issues and more.

I am AMA and all tests on H came back normal
3 failed IVF with OE and 2 failed frozen DE cycles
Last fresh hail mary DE cycle starting Feb 2013
PAIF/SAIF always welcome

Re: DE ladies and those thinking about it

  • You won't believe this but I just read this same article on another board today!  Probably the same board you found it on...

    Hope you are doing ok.

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

  • Interesting.  Thanks for sharing.  I feel like I've been stuck between stages 4-5 for a couple of years now. 

    The author failed to address the emotions involved with the failed DE cyles that unfortunately Reb and to many other ladies on here have experienced.  I guess just like most of us, even the author assumes you go that route it should work (although she should know better).    I think that may be my biggest fear....that the last resort probably won't work either. 

    She also failed to mention the daily thought that goes through my head "Why does G-d hate me?" 

    TTC #1 since 9/07
    Dx MFI, AMA, Endo, AMH .16
    Lap 10/09 Removed endometrioma, stage IV endo and adhesions
    Lap 2/10 Endometrioma cysts & adhesions returned.
    Ivf #1 4/10 Antagonist, ET Cancelled.
    IVF #2 2/11 A/ACP+E2V C/P
    IVF #3 6/11 Letrozole/Antagonist BFN
    IVF #4 11/11 Low stim Antagonist BFN
    Lap 3/12 Lap & Selective HSG
    Many cycles of Letrozole and LP HCG w/TI and LDN
    IVF #5 8/12 Low stim BFN
    IUI #1 10/12 BFN br> S&PAIFW
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  • mm29mm29 member
    Thank you for sharing! I've been stuck between stages 2 & 4 for the last yr or so! I agree with the pp's in regard to the author's failure to address the devastation for those who do not conceive with DE. I could not imagine the pain and disappointment
    ::: Married June 2003:::
    TTC #1 since: Aug. 2008
    Me: 34, DOR, MTHFR-A1298C (heterozygous), decreased blood flow to uterus, Mild Endo
    DH: 38, Balanced translocation 5&10, unexplained MFI, normal SA and SCSA
    Tx History: IUI 1&2= BFN
    IVF# 1 W/ICSI= BFN
    IVF# 2: cancelled d/t no response
    IVF# 3= 1 egg retrieved=immature/not viable
    IVF# 4= c/p
    ***CCRM ODWU***
    Found DHs BT and Me-decreased blood flow to uterus
    Recommended DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. Decided to cycle locally
    ***New RE***
    DE IVF# 1(cycle #6) w/pgd, (freeze all): 30R, 23M, 15F, slow/poor embryo development, 4 biopsied, 1 Normal "Norm"; DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. 
    IVF# 6: (OE/DS) cancelled
    IVF# 7: (OE/DS) 1R, 1M, 1F, arrested day 5
    Plan-DE IVF# 2 (cycle #8): DE/DS in May 2015


    http://icanhazbabyz.blogspot.com/
    imageimage image 
  • imageTrippleb:

    The author failed to address the emotions involved with the failed DE cyles that unfortunately Reb and to many other ladies on here have experienced.  I guess just like most of us, even the author assumes you go that route it should work (although she should know better).    I think that may be my biggest fear....that the last resort probably won't work either. 

    She also failed to mention the daily thought that goes through my head "Why does G-d hate me?" 

    Unfortunately this was me - after going through pretty much everything in this article, to have 2 DE losses was really difficult to accept because DE was supposed to be the magic bullet. Granted, DE does work for most women, often on the first cycle. But for some of us it doesn't. 

    Now I can tell you that none of the stuff in this article even factors in for me anymore - I am just praying hard for a take-home baby. 

     

    Dx: High FSH, stage IV endo, homozygous C677T MTHFR and PAI-1
    Early loss 10/08
    Lap 1/09
    IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
    Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
    Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
    IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
    IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
    IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
    One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
    DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
    DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
    10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
    DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
    2 frosties but don't know what's next
    FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
  • imagemm29:
    Thank you for sharing! I've been stuck between stages 2 & 4 for the last yr or so! I agree with the pp's in regard to the author's failure to address the devastation for those who do not conceive with DE. I could not imagine the pain and disappointment

    This.

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days

    imageimage

    SAIF/PAIF Welcome


    http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com

  • I can't even bring myself to read the whole article. I think it probably is very helpful for those considering DE. But, it is way too presumptuous about DE being "the" answer. No matter how often you remind yourself along the way through a DE cycle, it is articles like this that creep into the back of your brain and make DE IVF failure that much harder. But, hey, I'm just a bitter fool this week.
    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

    SAIFW/PAIFW
  • JM1977JM1977 member
    imageTrippleb:

    Interesting.  Thanks for sharing.  I feel like I've been stuck between stages 4-5 for a couple of years now. 

    The author failed to address the emotions involved with the failed DE cyles that unfortunately Reb and to many other ladies on here have experienced.  I guess just like most of us, even the author assumes you go that route it should work (although she should know better).    I think that may be my biggest fear....that the last resort probably won't work either. 

    She also failed to mention the daily thought that goes through my head "Why does G-d hate me?" 

    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  Infertility was really such a punishing experience for me.  Feeling punished by God is pretty much the most awful feeling in the world, and I'm so, so sorry that you are experiencing that.  I felt it most profoundly when we found out we would need both DE and DS to conceive.  We were fortunate to be successful on our first DE/DS cycle, and it's hard for me to really connect to how horrible those days were when we were going through it, but I definitely share your frustration with DE being seen as the magic bullet.  When even DE doesn't work, it makes you wonder why you?? 

    TTC with DOR, low morphology, fertilization issues
    IVF#1 Oct 2009 (CCRM) - BFN
    IVF#2 March 2010 - Poor response/cancelled
    DE IVF#1 Aug 2010 - BFN
    DE IVF#2 Dec 2010 - Transferred 1, 2 frozen - BFP!
    TTC#2 FET Jan 2013 - Transferred 1 - BFP!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • reb259reb259 member

    imagemtlaurel:
    I can't even bring myself to read the whole article. I think it probably is very helpful for those considering DE. But, it is way too presumptuous about DE being "the" answer. No matter how often you remind yourself along the way through a DE cycle, it is articles like this that creep into the back of your brain and make DE IVF failure that much harder. But, hey, I'm just a bitter fool this week.

    Hugs girl!!

    I am AMA and all tests on H came back normal
    3 failed IVF with OE and 2 failed frozen DE cycles
    Last fresh hail mary DE cycle starting Feb 2013
    PAIF/SAIF always welcome
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