Frustrated...

Mayzie15

I'm off this week from work and we picked my mom up from the airport on Saturday the day after we found out our first IVF cycle failed.  My mom's trip had been planned a long time ago so the timing is lousy.  I feel so disconnected from everyone.  We haven't made it out of the house much because I'm so tired of preparing myself to see pregnant women and babies. I feel angry, bitter and cheated.  I know that life goes on but for me the day we got our beta results everything stood still.  I feel guilty that I can't be happy that my mom is here and feel so bad for MH who has to deal with my irrational behavior.  He's told me as the days go on I'm more angry and he's right - just wish I knew how to move past this. Sorry to be such a downer and I hope everyone is having a good 4th.

danieleandwayne

I'm so sorry you're going through this-- all your emotions are valid and you are right to acknowledge them, even if it doesn't make it any easier to handle (for you or your DH). Do you have a good relationship with your mom where talking about how you feel might help? I mean, has she been through anything like this or at least is sympathetic?

I personally feel like the only way out is through it. The emotions are still new and raw, so of course it's going to be hard to be out and about, around pregnant women and babies. 

I wish I could say something that would make all this anger and hurt go away for you...

Instead, all I have are ((hugs)).

Snapdragon333

I know...it is so hard to have to control emotions in certain situations.  And to have to explain yourself (or pretend that everything is ok) when you would just rather curl up in a ball and have some time to yourself isn't easy.  It's impossible to make future plans when we don't know where we will mentally be during/after  treatments.  It's kind of why I would rather not hang out with our neighbors tonight even though it's the 4th.  Any flippant remark about ANYTHING might set me off.  I hate feeling so edgy.        

As Danieleandwayne asked...are you able to tell your mom how difficult of a week/month it has been for you and why?

I find myself trying to keep my emotions to myself so I don't make DH worry.  But lately it's been hard to hide the frustration.  I really need to find an outlet so I have something to take it out on...I'm sorry you are feeling so down, especially after going thru something as emotional and time consuming as IVF.   

Abeille

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  Men deal with things differently and they're always the best at empathizing.

I hope you find an outlet, it sounds like that's what you need.

Mayzie15

My mom and I are close and I think she tries to be sympathetic but she's on vacation and wants to do stuff and keeps asking how my cycle could have gone so wrong from our initial consult - which is tough to hear over and over.  She doesn't fully understand the process and I've explained it several times and just don't have the energy to keep explaining it.  I've kept our infertlity from everyone and really isolated myself which I know doesn't help.  MH has a few close friends he can vent to and seems to be handling our situation better and to be honest I'm p!ssed about that.  I agree with all of you that I need to get back to the gym and use that as my outlet. We live in a very kid friendly neighborhood and tonight they will have a huge block party for the 4th with children, babies and pregnant women.  MH is a social butterfly and wants to go and unfortunately I don't and I'm holding that against him and feel bad about that.  Just seems like a vicious circle that I can't get out of - I appreciate all of your support and just allowing me to vent - I really would be lost without this board.

mkhiker

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.  Anger is so understandable.  Unfortunately, you and your husband didn't have much time to digest your bad news together.  Hopefully, your mom is underdstanding of your situation.  Lots of hugs.

danieleandwayne

I think men tend to handle this stuff better because they're not as directly involved. They don't take the drugs (usually), they don't have to get up and remember to take their temps, they don't have to chart the results, they don't have to worry about what they eat/drink/breathe in, they don't get poked and prodded, they don't have doctors sticking things up their pink parts and making comments, they don't give a ton of blood...

I think it's easier for them to distance themselves. 

Is it okay for you-- in your head, in your heart-- to let your DH go out to things like the block party while you stay behind and do what you like to do to relax (take a bath, watch cheesy films, drink some wine, etc.)?

 

Mayzie15

danieleandwayne:

I think men tend to handle this stuff better because they're not as directly involved. They don't take the drugs (usually), they don't have to get up and remember to take their temps, they don't have to chart the results, they don't have to worry about what they eat/drink/breathe in, they don't get poked and prodded, they don't have doctors sticking things up their pink parts and making comments, they don't give a ton of blood...

I think it's easier for them to distance themselves. 

Is it okay for you-- in your head, in your heart-- to let your DH go out to things like the block party while you stay behind and do what you like to do to relax (take a bath, watch cheesy films, drink some wine, etc.)?

 

 

I'm okay if he goes but he really wants me to go with him we don't spend tons of time together because of our busy schedules and neighbors ask where I'm  at - I think he hates answering the questions and it's uncomfortable for him.  We just have to work through it.  I've said it before but I want to say it again - I really do admire your outlook and sense of humor - I need some of that to rub off on me.  

danieleandwayne

Mayzie15:

I'm okay if he goes but he really wants me to go with him we don't spend tons of time together because of our busy schedules and neighbors ask where I'm  at - I think he hates answering the questions and it's uncomfortable for him.  We just have to work through it.  I've said it before but I want to say it again - I really do admire your outlook and sense of humor - I need some of that to rub off on me.  

That's sweet. But you know what? I cry and rant and rave, too. And I have snapped at MH a couple of times-- so now he "gets" it a bit. Sometimes, he still raises his eyes at me or gets irritated when I tell him "I do not want to see people with their kids. I don't even want to see your sister's kid. I hate them all." But that's just how I'm feeling a lot of the time. I try not to give in to it every time, though.

I'm also VERY stubborn. And I look horrible when I cry-- my nose gets all red and swollen and I become a snot-monster. I am much cuter when I laugh.

Denial works for me, too. I just refuse to consider that I won't be successful. At least for a little while longer. I have not had IVF, though, or multiple losses, and I've only had one birthday pass so far since TTC.

Forgive yourself. This is a tough journey. I bet most of our husbands couldn't hack it as well as we do. "The true hero is he who faces the grey every day." It's a rough quote from a Russian novel about a man sentenced to a work camp in Siberia, but it works for us. We face the grey every day.

Give yourself time. And don't forget to forgive yourself. You are not a bad person-- you're just going through some bad stuff.

Mrs.McIrish

Don't beat yourself up. Just do the best you can.  Hugs.