Lurker...How do you keep going?

delino

Hi Ladies.  I am not a member of this board, but I lurk often and was hoping you wouldn't mind if I popped on for a post.  For those that don't know me from the IF board, I have had 3 ectopic pregnancies, one which took my tube with it last year.  3 doctors told us our best option is to go with IVF.  We are OOP and are not wealthy by any means.  My fresh cycle failed in May and I am in the 2ww from a FET, but had a negative hpt this morning.  We most likely won't be jumping right into another fresh cycle due to financial and emotional reasons.

My question for you is, how do you keep going?  How do you not let it take over your life?  How do you not cut all child bearing friends out of your life?  How do you deal with the possibility of never having a child?  I'm not sure how I make the transition from "ok, this failed, but the next step is...."  to "this failed and it's the end of the road".  Obviously you haven't given up and that's why you're still here, but I'm sure some of you have these thoughts and fears.

Roxie5739

Hey Delino, I know you all too well from the IF board. I am sorry that you are going through this now. Fx that you tested to early and that you will see a + tomorrow.

With regards to your question, IMO this is a personal decision for us all. Something different motivates all of us, some have more in them to fight for 2-3-4-5 IUI's and IVF's and some are done after just a few. The limits for each of us is what makes us all different and what I find are my limits with my chance of success for each cycle could be too conservative for some and too agressive for others.

Sadly there are a few ladies facing this decision right now. Are we done, is there enough odds on our side to gamble one more time? If a biological child is not on the cards then when do we move on to DS, DE, Adoption or CFNBC? What do I need to be armed with to deal with these decisions and is the decision right for me? We all have our limits, based on $$, emotions and our bodies and that limit is what you need to search for and discuss with your DH.

I have recently found my limit, though not happy about it and struggling with it every day, I feel that spending another $ on another cycle with only 2 embies in 36 eggs, the odds are not on my side and I an tired and exhausted mentally and physically and my life is in shambles as a result. I need to come to terms with my limits, try to find peace with that decision (harder than it sounds) and try to get on with life.

Talk to your DH, discuss the reasons you are doing this (sometimes a few get lost in the treatment and lose sight of the prize) and see where both your limits are. There are some good books out there on CFMBC and living child free, the positives and negatives. Maybe something to look into to work through your list.

There is recipe for this solution for you, sadly. You need to work out what you want, what you can bear and where you limits are.

GL to you!

delino

Thanks Roxie.  My husband has said over and over again that he's perfectly happy spending the rest of our lives with just the two of us.  While I want a child badly, I guess it's a possible future for us.  We've both agreed that adoption isn't for us.  I just don't want the regret.  If we spend the $ on another cycle and it fails, maybe I will make convince myself to find a way to do 1 more.  Maybe I will look back after 2 or 3 failed cycles and regret wasting the time, $ and energy on going through it all.  As everyone else does, I just hate the unknown.

Roxie5739

delino:

Thanks Roxie.  My husband has said over and over again that he's perfectly happy spending the rest of our lives with just the two of us.  While I want a child badly, I guess it's a possible future for us.  We've both agreed that adoption isn't for us.  I just don't want the regret.  If we spend the $ on another cycle and it fails, maybe I will make convince myself to find a way to do 1 more.  Maybe I will look back after 2 or 3 failed cycles and regret wasting the time, $ and energy on going through it all.  As everyone else does, I just hate the unknown.

Exactly, that is what I felt. What if I just do one more, then I get slightly different results so I do one more....where does it stop. Age, $ and tolerance has a lot to do with it too. You need to find your "sweet spot" with all these factors.

On your last comment - that is the haunt that I will have forever, I just need to come to peace with that now.

delino

I'm sorry you're at, or close, to this decision point. I wish we could all get our bfp's and miracle babies.

Gregermis

Hey Delino, sorry about the BFN ((((hugs))))

I've kept going because I would really like to have a biological child and stopping most likely won't get me one.  Honestly, IF has pretty much taken over my life.  Except for playing squash and occasional knitting night, I just don't do much in the way of social acitivities.  Then I don't have to explain why I'm not drinking or whatever else. 

As for my friends with kids, I avoid them while pregnant and I'm less bothered once they have an outside baby.  Then of course there is the crying on the way home and more once I get there.  DH and I will adopt if we our treatments don't work, and we are really close to moving that direction honestly.  Again, a lot of crying and months of trying to emotional prep myself for that possibility by already doing research and reading on the topic.

Beyond the emtional part of just needing a break (which I'm starting to come up on) we have the financial consideration as well.  We are still renting and would be really close to buying a house if we were able to save all the money we've put into IF treatments.  So if this FET doesn't work, we'll probably move to adoption or maybe a few more tests, then move to adoption and try again for a biological (or maybe embryo adoption) once we own a home.  I think having this long term plan helps.  So when I do have a failure, I've already laid out what is next and I'm not panicked about it??  I don't know

Most days, I don't know how any of us put up with any of this

delino

Gregermis:

Beyond the emtional part of just needing a break (which I'm starting to come up on) we have the financial consideration as well.  We are still renting and would be really close to buying a house if we were able to save all the money we've put into IF treatments.  So if this FET doesn't work, we'll probably move to adoption or maybe a few more tests, then move to adoption and try again for a biological (or maybe embryo adoption) once we own a home.  I think having this long term plan helps.  So when I do have a failure, I've already laid out what is next and I'm not panicked about it??  I don't know

Most days, I don't know how any of us put up with any of this

I hate that money is in some part dictating whether or not we get a take home baby.  My RE told us that he has no doubt that we will get pregnant if we keep trying Yea...I don't have the funds to keep trying.  If we do another fresh cycle, we have spent the money that would have gone to redoing our kitchen and bathroom.  Yes, I want a baby more than a fancy house, but I just never thought we'd be here. 

Good luck with your FET!

Gregermis

delino:

Gregermis:

Beyond the emtional part of just needing a break (which I'm starting to come up on) we have the financial consideration as well.  We are still renting and would be really close to buying a house if we were able to save all the money we've put into IF treatments.  So if this FET doesn't work, we'll probably move to adoption or maybe a few more tests, then move to adoption and try again for a biological (or maybe embryo adoption) once we own a home.  I think having this long term plan helps.  So when I do have a failure, I've already laid out what is next and I'm not panicked about it??  I don't know

Most days, I don't know how any of us put up with any of this

I hate that money is in some part dictating whether or not we get a take home baby.  My RE told us that he has no doubt that we will get pregnant if we keep trying Yea...I don't have the funds to keep trying.  If we do another fresh cycle, we have spent the money that would have gone to redoing our kitchen and bathroom.  Yes, I want a baby more than a fancy house, but I just never thought we'd be here. 

Good luck with your FET!

Definitely not fair.  Thanks!

Mitzi Bishi

I am so sorry that you are asking these questions. It's such a challenge to be faced with this and I truly hope it's in vain with your FET. I've also asked myself the same exact things recently, which is even more difficult when my husband has his own ideas about how far he's willing to go. 

Honestly I've kind of come to terms with it all... or at least I feel like I have. I know this is way easier said than done and it doesn't mean I won't mourn things if it never works or stop trying, but I love my life and not having a child won't change that. I figure I can get used to being without kids and making the most of it, because that's the most likely scenario. We still do things for ourselves and take trips together, so IF doesn't suck us totally dry. I think it's really important to continue "dating" and connecting with your DH, because at the end it's still the two of you. That way if something throws a curve ball then it will hopefully be a pleasant surprise. 

We have pushed quite a few friends out of our lives. It's selfish, but right now it's what we need to do for ourselves. When we have time or aren't cycling we try to make an effort, but no one really knows we're TTC, much less at the end of the rope. Even if I told people they still won't know what it's like to go through this, so I try to protect them from saying something offensive and myself from having to rehash old wounds. So far we've been quite good at this charade. 

I read a good book, called Navigating the Land of IF and she talks about not building walls, which has helped me get over my control freak tendencies. I don't need to know exactly when the end is or to put the pressure on that this is the last (fill in the blank), although I do try to have milestones to reach. It's difficult that I'm in my early 30's, so this could be one long battle. Just because I'm not cycling doesn't mean I'm not continually researching things, whether it be new treatments, surrogacy, adoption, etc. 

The way I look at it is to count the tiniest of blessings and to be grateful for the littlest milestone. You can't make it to the summit if you don't take small steps, but you might as well appreciate the details along the way so you don't run out of steam. 

I'm thinking of you, delino. You're not alone in these thoughts, frustrations, or questions. It's so difficult to come to this crossroads, but talk to your husband, make lists of things that are important, and hopefully it will help you figure out your next steps. 

(((massive hugs))) 

vanessagorc

Hugs, I'm sorry for all u have been thru an I'm hoping u do see a 2nd line soon. 

It really is a personal decision w so many diff factors.  I had it in my head that I would be willing to try Ivf 6 times. I'm not sure where I got that number, but I just had it my head.

I knew I wouldn't have been happy child free and married.  I don't think my marriage would have survived that.  We were also open to adoption and de/ds.  I had very good coverage, and we are very lucky to be in a fortunate financial situation.  I'm know that others don't have the same options open to them

delino

Thank you Mitzi and Vanessa. You're words and advice mean a lot to me. This is a tough journey that I would wish on no one.

Mrs.McIrish

First off, I'm sorry to hear that you don't think your FET works. Hugs.

I have been saying for a long time that I thought I would "feel it" when it was time to stop treatment. I just failed IVF#4 earlier this week and for the first time, I don't feel like I "need" to keep going. Maybe I am ready for the "end of the road". It depends on the day and you may change your mind many times along the way.  So, I guess to answer your question of "how do you keep going", my answer is you just do until you don't!  Not very helpful but I think it is true.   I have lost a lot of my life along the way with battling IF and I want to start living again. I think it is a good sign that I want to stop letting it take over everything. Not entirely sure how to accomplish this but I am working on it.   I think there is almost always a "next step" you can take but at some point, you  may have to stop due to finite resources. I think I could physically continue to cycle as the drugs really don't affect me etc but I see an out of state RE. I can't realistically go there for a week every other month to cycle and maintain a job.  If $$ wasn't an issue, perhaps I could try DE with a donor I really want to use.  You never know what life will bring and I think I've learned from this is that you can't always plan and you just keep going. You are stronger than you ever thought you were.   GL:-)

Ironmom2be

**also lurking**

I am so sad to come over here and read this, delino. I truly hope that you are wrong about your FET and that it's just too early to test. 

I have tears in my eyes from reading all these lovely ladies' responses here. Everyone has different limits and different breaking points so I'm not sure anyone but you and your H will really ever know that it's over until you feel it together. This journey sucks it takes so many wonderful things away from us all....we all put off things because we think we shouldn't b/c of treatments, or the 2ww, or b/c we read that we shouldn't. We've all made sacrifices for the sake of our future children. I hope this isn't it for you, I hope your doctor is right and you find success sooner than later. My heart breaks for you and all the other ladies going through IF. ((huge hugs)) I'm here if you need anything.

**disappearing back to IF** 

MandaS08

I want to give you a huge hug Delino.

This is something I've asked myself-when will I have had "enough" 

For right now, my line keeps moving.  Years ago, before I knew I any sort of IF I always said I wouldn't try IVF.  Clearly, I've moved that line.  After my second loss I said I couldn't do that again, now after my 3rd I know we will still try again.

I think at some point you will just "know"-either it will be a financial decision (I hate that finances are even a factor-its just not fair), or emotionally, or logically you will just know.

For me and my DH we aren't done trying on our own, but are starting to consider things like DE or embryo adoption.

I'm sorry you are going through this and sorry and these are the types of decisions you are having to make.