Could you consider caring for a senior w/ a new baby

Amy&Anthony

DH and I have been around the block on this one.  He wants to consider moving in with his mother who was widowed a few years ago to  help care for her and to save money.

I can't decide if he is being incredibly naive about the financials and practicals  or if he is panicking about what to do with his mom. 

Aside from presenting him a written bulleted list of all of the reasons why we  can't do this I just can't seem to get through to him. he keeps re-presenting the idea trying to sell me on it.

My MIL is a heavy indoor smoker who refuses to stop; and her son refuses to tell her - stop or I am not coming to see you. DS has asthma and we are about to have a newborn so this is an especially pressing issue.

her current home is approximately a 1- .5 hour drive from the city where I work and DS goes to school; additionally it is in a horrbily run down suburb there is NO WAY I am sending my kid to public school there, she needs to sell her property and re-locate.

The increased travel costs, utlities, childcare expenses, and stress just doesn't seem to add up to a significant savings 

she needs meal preparation, house keeping, and someone to monitor her medication I can't do that and work full time and care for a newborn.

 How can this be achieved in an independent living environment that is not a senior housing facility?

Why am I the only one who sees that this will not work?

newbee36

>>Hugs<< You are definitely not the only one seeing this imposible. I suspect your DH is the only one who sees it possible. I find it hard raising one kid, working and trying to finish up my degree. Add a baby, gets harder. Add a long commute, OMG! That alone is PLANTY! Now on top of it a sick old ladyf, smoking environment, crapy neighbourhood, .... I don't think even Superman can manage that.

You really need to talk to your husband. I know he cares about his mom, but he shouldn't compromise his wife and kids happyness. There are other options out there for everyone to be satisfied. Good luck!

EastCoastBride

I understand that he cares about his mom, but he can NOT put the health of his children in jeopardy in order to help her.  Absolutely not. 

And no, I would not uproot my entire life to move to a crappy neighborhood.  Again- your kids need to come first here - not his mom.

 Yes, look into options for her, but you all moving in w/ her is NOT an option.

Tell him you understand his concerns, tell him you want to find a solution that will work, but be VERY VERY VERY firm that you all moving in w/ her is NOT an option and never will be.  Your kids come first here and you will not bend on that.

vanverth

How about a MIL apartment?  She could have her own entrance, exit, and heating and cooling system, be monitored, even have some home health come in, and you could stay in your home with your privacy. 

PigglyWiggly1

I would not subject one child to the hazards of indoor smoke, much less two. It doesn't matter how much money your husband thinks he will help your MIL save, in the end the most important thing is the health of your children. Just keep that sticking to that point whenever he brings it up. 

AGmomof3

I just about stopped reading and hit reply at the not willing to stop smoking - that's a deal breaker for me.  (((hugs))) This would be tough, but sounds like too much strain on your family.  I hope you can get through to him.

stever

Though I recognize it's a tough position to be in for your H, I don't see anyway his plan can work. The smoking, the commute you'd have, the neighborhood... there's no way any of that is acceptable.

I'd suggest she  move in with you guys, with no debate about the smoking, or she go into an assisted living facility.

BrideBuddies

No other siblings/relatives who can help out??

The whole smoking thing is a complete deal-breaker.  No no no way in heck would I subject my children to that.

Now if that wasn't an issue.. I have a friend who's elderly mother lives in their basement.  She has her own space, etc.  But she's heavily dependent on her daughter for ev-ery-thing.. so its pretty much like having another child in the house.   And this mom is another 40 something with a toddler and infant, too.  There are days she's just ready to drop her mother off at an adult day care and leave her there. So I guess my warning is.. if she lives with you, she'll probably become way more dependent upon you than you expect.

Solution.. well, time to have a Come To Jesus/Bhudda/deity of choice with both hubby and mom.  Somethin's gotta give, and it can NOT be your children's health.  Period.  I guess I'd suggest Mom sell her house and move close to you.. that seems to be the only option I can see, given the circumstances.

mwd

Nope, it's not going to work.  Look online for assisted care, to have meals brought to her, and havd someone come in and help her with her meds.  Even if she has to move, you or DH should not be responsible for these things all the time.   It is way too much to take on, and work a FT job as well.  

gimmietimmies

AGmomof3:

I just about stopped reading and hit reply at the not willing to stop smoking - that's a deal breaker for me.  (((hugs))) This would be tough, but sounds like too much strain on your family.  I hope you can get through to him.

Deal breaker for me too. I didn't need to hear the rest. OP, I had it rough caring for a teenager that needed nursing care (ds is sn and sometimes requires full care, usually for weeks/months at a time). It's managable for me because there is usually an end in sight, and when he's better he copes fine on his own. I would not and could not imagine doing this with a senior that may live another 10 or 20 years (or more, if they're cantankerous). I can absolutely see where her needs would be pushed to the forefront and your lo's would come second to that.

My mom has worked in senior care/home care since I was little, and I've seen it happen time and again. What I highly recommend is getting in touch with a social worker to see what services are available, if assisted living isn't an option and she's not ready for a nursing home.

If she needs proper meals, is there a Meals on Wheels? If she has trouble with her meds, can the pharmacist blister pack them so that she can pop them out when she needs them. It also sounds like she could use and aid, like an LPN or nursing aide of some kind (for personal care and housekeeping). Sometimes there is funding available for this type of thing if you know who to ask (like the social worker). It may be possible too that schools that run programs like the LPN/aide or RN/BN programs may have practicum students that can help with the meds and personal care and church programs to help with housekeeping.

Good luck talking with your H, hope you guys come up with something that works for all of you.

Pearly609

stever:

Though I recognize it's a tough position to be in for your H, I don't see anyway his plan can work. The smoking, the commute you'd have, the neighborhood... there's no way any of that is acceptable.

I'd suggest she  move in with you guys, with no debate about the smoking, or she go into an assisted living facility.

This! Totally this!!!! And your baby is absolutely adorable with sweet clear lungs. Your doing the right thing fighting for him. I had a 1 1/2 hour commute when my older kids were younger and it was hell.  I worked for Johnson and Johnson so I was able to bring them to the childcare on sight, but by the time you get home, dinner, baths, chores, there's no me time. And if you have to care for her as well...I agree with her moving in, rules (about smoking) and arranging some in house care help through her insurance or if she doesn't have any, contact your county for assistance for her.

 

Amy&Anthony

Thank you SO much for the feedback, It is helpful to see that I am not alone in my concerns or persepective, I am fortuanate that she does have insurance and through my company I can tap into resources that will research home health aides and assisted living options. Right after I wrote out my message here I reached out to them and they should have answers for me in a week or two.

Unfortunately he is the only source for care at this point. I brought it up to DH again on Tuesday, and he immediately shut down, and said "This is how you treat your family" He just can't seem to overcome the concept of "You are trying to throw my mama in a home" instead of hey- I need to really think about what kind of care my mom needs, and can I realistically provide it; it really does help to know I am not the bad guy here. Thanks.

eli_and_jeff

I had a similar issue with my DH. My MIL has stage 4 Alzheimer's and my FIL can't take care of her 24/7 anymore (he has health problems of his own).  The way I broke through the "you're trying to put my mama in a home" wall was this: You don't "put" someone in a home. You're finding her a place of her own, where she can get the help and care she needs. There are very few people in this world who are emotionally and financially equipped to care for a young family and a sick senior. Basically, I stayed rational and supportive and reminded him that he was being emotional. We found a place that would send some one over to help with the cleaning, the bathing, and a few meals for a very reasonable price to take the burden off. But they offer 24/7 in home care as well. Good luck. (and, no, you're not the bad guy )