AP approach to toddler-isms?

aerotigergirl

Sorry for barging in... I used to frequent this board regularly, but my job has been very busy and I haven't had a chance to lurk/post in a few months. With that said, I'm looking for a few recommendations from you all...

My son (now 13 months) is in daycare 3 days/week while I'm at work. Lately, he's been having trouble doing "gentle touch" with the pets, his friends, DH and I, etc. Yesterday, he grabbed at another child at daycare and inadvertently scratched them. We were told about it simply because they document any kind of injury, not because he was "being bad" or anything like that. I witnessed his grabby behavior toward another child on Saturday at a birthday party, also.

I realize this is just toddler behavior, and DH and I are trying very hard to continue to show him and explain to him what "gentle touches" are. We practice with him every chance that we get. But what else can we do? I have Dr. Sears' Discipline book, and I also have "Parenting with Love and Logic" (which isn't turning out to be the book for us). Both of these seem to focus on the parenting of older (talking) children. Are there any good book recommendations for parenting a non-verbal toddler? Any good websites? Thanks for your help!

tokenhoser

https://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Toddler--Laying-Foundation-Confident/dp/0307341593/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341336098&sr=8-1&keywords=positive+discipline+0-3

that one was pretty good... although a lot of it focuses on having appropriate expectations and supervision for your child. In your case (and mine), I would be sure to keep his nails well trimmed (pinches and scratches hurt a lot more when I'm not on top of that), and then just separate him from the problem as things happen. You can attempt the 'gentle touch" thing (and should), but he won't be reliable about it for a few months. If it is safe, you can just let natural consequences play out. My son is pretty good about the cat now, but it took some scratches for that to happen.

kcisthebombdotcom

I'm not sure how "AP" friendly this is but this is what we did.

If DS used rough hands, I'd remove myself from the room without saying a word and go to another part of the house that he couldn't get to due to baby gates. This would only work if your child plays in well baby-proofed rooms, of course. I'd go back after a minute or so and resume playing with him. If he repeated the rough behavior, I'd keep repeating this until he stopped. After about 4 or 5 days of doing this he learned rough hands=no attention and gentle hands=lots of praise and attention and stopped hitting.

aerotigergirl

Thank you for the rec, Token. I've put that book on hold at the library. From the preview available on Amazon, it looks like it might fit the bill. It also looks like it may have some other (non-discipline related) interesting things in it, as well!

DS hasn't really been rough with me or DH as much as he has with his friends at daycare and with our pets (we have a dog and a cat). So, if it gets to the point that he's using rough hands with us, we could try the "leave the room for a minute" approach. I try to let DS hold his own with the cat. I watch, and gently remind him to use "soft touches" or "gentle touches" and if he starts to get too rough, I try to catch him in the act and stop his hands and show him how to do soft touches.

Sometimes he does great. Other times he starts out great, then eventually resorts to grabbing and usually comes away with a handful of fur. The cat, strangely enough, is very laid back and doesn't really even flinch when he uses rough hands with her! She's never scratched/growled/hissed at all.  I suppose if he gets rough enough with her, she'll finally reach the end of her rope, though!

tokenhoser

It's definitely an age where actions work better than words! Daycare is hard because it's not up to you, but when you are the one with your kid you can remove him from the other child (or animal or whatever) when he's not being gentle enough. I think the key is being quick (so he associates the behavior with the response) and consistent (so it happens every time he does it).

It's kind of exhausting.

EcoBaby

I haven't had a 13 month old in a while, but I can't even imagine a 13 month old even grasping the concept of their own strength or harm they could do to another person or animal. It seems like preventing the opportunity is the best option. I don't think you necessarily need to 'do' anything extra - he'll get when he is developmentally able to get it. Once he starts to see that the other child is upset or the cat runs away, he'll start to react to that. I think children do not want to cause harm, so once you show him 'gentle hands' like you are doing and he is developmentally able to grasp the concept, he'll do his best to use gentle hands. In the meantime, prevention is the only thing that will really work.