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Newly pregnant, it's not his first.
First off...
My DH had a child when he was 19 (we are both 24 now) I have been in his sons life since he was 2 years old. We all love each other dearly, are very happy, and this really is about my own insecurities. Also, this pregnancy was planned.
I just feel like this is the most special time in my life but that it's
something he has already been through so it almost doesn't matter as
much to him. I have talked to him about this and he says that I am
ridiculous and every child is just as precious as another. I understand
this, I really do.
I can't help but think he will just roll his eyes when I say that my
feet hurt or that I'm craving subway or ask for a back rub... because he
has done it all before. Like I keep picturing being in the delivery
room screaming in pain and him saying "It's ok, it's not that bad it
will be over soon." Or when I say something hurts or have a symptom he will be like "Well SHE never had that problem."
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Newly pregnant, it's not his first.
With your hormones you're going to have to allow yourself to be human and feel what you feel. However realistically has your DH actually had that attitude yet? He's aware of your feelings and has tried to assure you and not dismiss you- this leads me to believe that he won't be insensitive as you fear. Being my first pregnancy and not my DH's I had similar worries but my husband has been very there for me and very excited for our baby. This is your first child as a couple so it is new and different.
Periodically I get annoyed when he thinks he knows more about birth than me but he's not made comparisons between me and his ex. He's just a know it all sometimes lol. Some of your fears won't leave you until you're actually there but continuing to talk about it with your husband will further help.
I think being aware of how you feel your probably not as at risk for resenting your stepson as you think. Fear can just be tricky- a lot of this passes though and all three of you can be excited for your new arrival.
I guess this is kind of the opposite but I have two kids and my husband has none. We are TTC and to be honest it is as exciting as ever. I look forward to everything and although I remember and treasure every memory of the other pregnancies and births I am very excited about everything to come. Just because it's not the first doesn't make it any less special. Just because I have done this already doesn't mean I look forward to it any less.
I would think you just need to relax and trust that he is looking forward to everything as much as you are. He has done it so maybe there will be things that he has seen/done but not with you and not with this baby. When or if you have another child you will see it will still can the most special time in your life even though you have already done it before. I felt just as excited with my second and I will with my third as well.
I think it's normal to feel the way you're feeling. It bothers me sometimes when DH refers to SD's birth. Or other comments he makes that I won't mention here because they will fully reveal how insecure I can be at times. God bless these hormones too -they don't make it easy.
That being said, every pregnancy is different. Make sure you keep communication open, and let him know when you're bothered by something he says. I may suggest talking to a friend first, to screen out some things that may make you look petty. For example: DH chose to have this child with me. While he did do "the deed" with her, it was under the assumption that BM was using her BC properly. He did not chose to have a child with her.
PS: Can you imagine the talk that I'm going to have with my boys in a few years??? I'm going to beat BC into their heads, I swear. And tell them to never trust a woman (no offence ladies).
That are the exact words out of his mouth... that he chose to have a family and raise a child with me... not some one he was seeing at 18 years old. It makes me feel better and it does make sense
This just sounds like a horrible thing to say considering he has a child resulting from "the deed". This belittles the birth of his first child and this is so not necessary just to make you feel better, like this birth is better and that one was so unwanted. My first was not planned and was a result of birth control failure. (taken properly, so it DOES happen) My ex was abusive and horrible and abandoned his kids years ago, and still I could never refer to any future pregnancy as more wanted than any other.
What I plan to tell my boys is that even the pill can fail and only condoms can help prevent disease. It's easy for a man to accuse a woman of not taking it properly and sometimes this is true but even used perfectly, it can fail. It's not just about trusting your partner, it's about protecting yourself. Even if they do their part, you have to do yours. (condom) I guess I would rather not demonize the other sex.
I don't understand why it's not ok to accept that yes, he did this before. BUT it's still special now. Why does it have to be stressed that last time was a "mistake" and this time is better. Why the competition?
EDIT I would never belittle the births and conception of my kids just to make my husband feel better.
It sounds like you're worried about things that haven't even happened yet. You don't know if you're going to need a back rub. You don't know if you're going to scream in pain (I never did with either of mine).
He might roll his eyes at something, but you can't assume it's because XYZ happened with his ex. It may happen because he's a guy, and he's never been pregnant. It may happen because you eat the last bite of chocolate cake.
I've been pregnant twice, and they were totally different experiences. With DS, I didn't have morning sickness. With DD I did. DS's delivery took 12 hours (and 4 hours of pushing!) and DD's was 3 hours and 5 pushes. I had different food aversions. With DS I had carpal tunnel, and with DD I had heartburn.
If you expect him to hurt your feelings, he will. If you expect that you might resent your SS, then you will. You're not being selfish, but I think you're selling yourself (and YH) short. Just try to have an open mind, and to be communicative. You cannot expect YH to never talk about his experience with your SS--that's totally unfair. But you can tell him what hurts your feelings, and expect that he will be sensitive to that.
I can relate. My DH has 3 boys from his first marriage, so I was feeling very insecure when we got pregnant with DD. I had the same irrational fears, about him comparing us and all that. Truth is, he didn't really remember much because they are all older. In spite of all my fears and insecurities, I had the most amazing pregnancy. My DH was amazing, and it was truly a gift because my ex was not interested at all in my pregnancy with DS so I pretty much went through that one alone.
If your DH hasn't actually acted in this matter I would try not to worry yourself about it too much. Hormones can make you a little emotional, and I'm sure he's going to be great.
Just so you know, there is a bit more background regarding BM and the conception of SD. And I've never even implied to DH that this pregnancy is more important because we're married/chose to have this baby. I love SD. That doesn't mean I have to like how BM went about things. I know that people usually try to paint themselves as the innocent, but DH was very, very frank with me regarding his past.
I've also known two girls who've tried to "catch a husband" by becoming pregnant. They admitted as much to me, and I strongly suggested that it's not a good way of going about things. So I know it does happen, and I will warn my boys accordingly.
I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt similar, but understand that each child and each pregnancy is amazing and special! My DH is the oldest of 8 and has two daughters, so he's pretty familiar with pregnant women. He still didn't really connect with our son until he was born. Then it became real and DH cried at his birth.
I've been in your shoes with the same insecurities. Though I do recall my ex being very attentive during my pregnancy. I can assure you that when my son was born my ex was over the moon. He loves that little boy to pieces. Parents love is multiplied. Your H will love your child just as much as his first.
My story does not have a happy ending. My advice to you is to always give your H the benefit of the doubt. Always trust and never lay your insecurities on him.
My ex never menitoned anything much about the birth/pregnancy of his first two children. He was pretty good about not comparing. Like other posters said just let your H know that it's probably best if he doesn't mention in great details the previous deliveries and how she took care of the babies, etc.
First of all, what you're feeling is totally normal. Your hormones are completely out of whack, you're exchausted, not feeling good, etc.
Secondly, he's right. My pregnancy was my first, DH's second. While naturally there were some similarities, there were also many differences. There are no 2 pregnancies and births that are exactly alike, even with couples who have more than one child!
One of the things that DH said was different (in a good way) was our L&D experiences. BM had an induction, in a hospital, with an epidural. Everything went well, healthy mom healthy baby. I had a med-free birth in a birthing center. Everything went well, healthy mom healthy baby. But what DH remembers is that he was able to "catch' DD when she was born. It was all he talked about for weeks afterwards! Ironically, the man I had to convince to use a birthing center is now a HUGE proponent for them.
So try to relax. I know at this stage it's easier said than done but I promise he's just as excited as you.
well, tons of people have already replied, but i will still put my 2 cents in. i could've written this post when i was pregnant with my daughter. my DH has a daughter from a previous relationship, but she moved out of state during the pregnancy and he was not physically there. I was bummed that this is a HUGE first, and it was one we would not experience together and there was nothing i could do to change that. it was a lot like the first to my husband, because he only went to maybe a few doctors appointments and missed the birth. i used to make myself mad thinking of him comparing me to her, but it never really happened. i thought he would consider me "weak" if i was tired, uncomfortable or needed help with something, since his ex was without him and did everything on her own. but, he was there for me 100%. i know it's hard, but try not to worry about these things before they even happen. it is way easier said than done, but i know i upset myself when it wasn't even necessary.
and PP made a good point, he is choosing to have a family with you, and that's what matters. it makes a big difference.
Not a good argument. My DH was the product of rape which is about as bad a situation as you can get, but nothing about his birth or that pregnancy was talked down as "not special". And his coming into this world was not seen any different from his other siblings.
Also, you can talk to your kids about making good choices and being careful but encouraging them to not trust, will only get them into disfunctional relationships with women. There is no such thing as a healthy relationship that doesnt have trust. Period.
I had a talk w/ my husband about this. His first was also at 19...she will be 16 on February. He said it was different because it wasn't planned and he was young and scared. My hubby and I both don't really show emotions (military upbringing?), but I know he's happy because we planned this out and talked it over. He needs to be supportive and understand that all pregnancies are different...this includes different for each woman AND different for the same woman with multiple births. Share your concerns with him. I'm sure he will be supportive. Try to enjoy this time!