guilt/blame/sorrow (vent)

bobbydsgirl

*DS mentioned

Hi, ladies,

I just need to get something off of my chest with people who understand. This most recent loss is stirring up feelings of my first loss (found at 10.5 weeks, measuring 9 weeks). I think I still blame myself for that loss, and I wish so badly I could undo time and "do that pregnancy right" so I could have my little baby in my arms right now and not have experienced any of these losses.

I know you are not supposed to feel like it is your fault, but I can't help but wonder if it would have been different if I would have taken care of myself in the 2ww last fall. I had just started a new work project and I was spending a lot of overtime on it. When I get really focused like that, I forget to eat. So I probably lost at least 5 lb during the 2ww and I don't think I was taking vitamins regularly either. I wasn't trying to be reckless or lose weight, I was just distracted and I wasn't even thinking I was pregnant since we had been trying for a few months with BFNs.

I think an early lack of nutrition/folic acid caused my loss of an otherwise healthy baby. It breaks my heart so much that I am not holding and nursing that baby right now (the baby's due date was 2 weeks ago). A friend that was due 2 weeks after me just had her baby this morning. There was an email sent out celebrating it.

It hurts so much and I am trying to keep it together but I feel like I am barely functioning and being a poor mother to DS. I HATE HATE HATE that he has had to suffer this alongside me through a good part of the very formative third year. I hate that he has had to see his mommy cry and angry and depressed over and over again through 3 losses. I hate the impact this has had on my family.

Thank you for listening. I am sitting her with wet cheeks right now and I just had to get that out this morning. 

I am so sorry for all of your losses.

katharine25

 The guilt and the blame is a completely natural feeling. I would bet we all, in some ways, blame ourselves. BUT it was not your fault. It had nothing to do do with anything you ate or drank in the 2ww or after. The one thing I always remind myself of is that crack slores have babies every day. If if miscarriages had anything to do with us, that wouldn't happen. It has nothing to do wih poor nutrition or not taking folio acid.

Everything about making a baby is a delicate process.  So many things (beyond our control) need to be right, it truly is a miracle that babies are even born.  

Amy&Steve0421

katharine25:

 The guilt and the blame is a completely natural feeling. I would bet we all, in some ways, blame ourselves. BUT it was not your fault. It had nothing to do do with anything you ate or drank in the 2ww or after. The one thing I always remind myself of is that crack slores have babies every day. If if miscarriages had anything to do with us, that wouldn't happen. It has nothing to do wih poor nutrition or not taking folio acid.

Everything about making a baby is a delicate process.  So many things (beyond our control) need to be right, it truly is a miracle that babies are even born.  

I just wanted to echo this.  Also - when I had my son I lost 5 pounds in the first trimester and still went on to have a healthy baby - w/only a 15 pound weight gain total due to the gestational diabetes diet.  Lots of women lose weight in the beginning - due to morning sickness or other reasons.  The baby gets your nutrition first - you get what is left over.  So you could not have caused it by not eating enough.

I know - I really do - I have a list a mile long of reasons why I miscarried.  But the truth is other people have done the same things and had healthy babies.  We will never know why we lost ours - and that is part of what makes this so hard.

 For me - I ultimatly asked God and the baby to forgive me for anything I may have done.  I hope and pray you find your path to peace.

MandaS08

I understand how you feel-I've often wondered if it was medication I was on or something else I did to cause it.  But logically I know that's not the case-it was nothing you or I did-we wanted our babies so much and would have done anything for them-this was totally out of our control.

tra-tra

I know this will sound strange but sometimes I wish it was something I did, that it was my fault. I think its a way to take control of a situation that we have no control over. If I knew it was my fault then I can prevent it next time. I feel like the idea that we have no control is my greatest consolation as well as my greatest frustration. In the end I know it wasn't my fault and it wasn't your fault either. You just have to keep reminding yourself of that. If you could go back and do everything the way we wished we did the outcome, unfortunately, would probably be exactly the same. As PP have written so much has to go right that its amazing babies are actually born. But I know that sometimes we just need to stop, breathe, and let it out. I hope you start to feel better soon!

Roxycc55

I have seventeen thousand reasons why I miscarried. You are not alone in this. However, I'm sure none of us are right, and that there is nothing we could have done differently. I lost seven pounds while pregnant, and was severely dehydrated. When I went in to get an IV, I heard the heartbeat for what I didin't realize was the last time. Later I found out that was around the exact time she had stopped growing. So pretty much I'm convinced it was my fault. But honestly, rationally, I'm sure I'm wrong. Don't worry, your feelings are valid, but trust me, it was not your fault.