Mother-In-Law Help
Soon after my MIL found out that we were expecting our first child and her first grandchild, she immediately invited herself over to stay at our small apartment starting at Christmas until after our child is born (the due date is end of January, so about a 2 month stay). While I understand her point of view (she lives abroad, FIL passed away a year ago, this is her first grandchild), I do not wish for her to stay for such an extended amount of time during late pregnancy and the first few weeks of my child's life when my husband and I should be spending all of our energy on our new child.
First off, I have been having a difficult pregnancy so far: first a misdiagnosed miscarriage, and this week I just found out for the first time that I have a heart condition that will complicate my pregnancy. I don't think that I will have the energy or desire to entertain MIL for so long!
MIL is not an easy person to live with. Last Christmas she spent a month with us and it was the longest month in my life! She gave us absolutely no space or privacy. She was incapable of doing anything independently. MIL has traveled the world but it is as if she suddenly forgot how to do anything on her own. She expected to spend every waking moment-literally from the moment that she woke up until bedtime- with my husband. It does not help that my husband encourages her behavior and always takes her side despite my long discussions with him. Husband feels guilty for living so far away from MIL and feels that it is his duty to do absolutely anything she asks. He has no understanding of the concept of "Nuclear Family."
That being said, I prefer for her to visit a couple of months after the baby is born for only 2-3 weeks. However, I feel that even if I propose this, both MIL and my husband will blow up in my face and accuse me of being extremely selfish and evil.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or can offer any advice?
Re: Mother-In-Law Help
My first piece of advice is have your husband talk to her. I know you said he tends to side with her, but that makes it even more important that the message come from him and not you.
Secondly, if she absolutely insists on coming for an extended time and your husband wants her to could you suggest that she stay somewhere nearby? A hotel or condo or something. That way you would have more control over when you see her and be sure to get the alone time you'll need.
Sounds like a tricky situation, good luck!
So sorry you are in the middle of this... sad to say that this is a no win situation especially when your DH takes her side and feels obligated to do pretty much everything that she ask him to do.
In my experience MIL came to visit as soon as our LO was born and it was really hard! She tried telling me what to do with, when to do it and how to do it. Nothing I did was good enough and I could not take it!
I was stressing with a lot... becoming a first time mom is not easy, it's a huge change and having other people besides DH in the picture makes it even harder.
I say speak to her yourself and pray she understands... I spoke to my DH but before he decided to speak to her she understood that he and I needed to be alone with our LO and went back home.
Sorry for the long reply
Flash backs!
Phew, that sounds really tough. I saw this is her first grandchild, so unfortunately it sounds like she doesn't have a way to gauge her role here...I know you said your husband sides with her, but what is your personal relationship like with her? Is it out of the question for you to tell her your feelings without hurting hers? I know some parental relationships are pretty complex - my own dad's with his parents is that way where he never wants to stand up to them because he thinks its disrespectful...how much have you talked to your husband about it? He might just not fully understand your position here. I really sympathize, that is tricky. Good luck and try not to let it stress you out!!
If you stick around here long enough, you'll hear the mantra, "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem." That's 100% true in your case. If your husband is not 100% supportive of your feelings, you will lose out every time. You need to figure out a way to get through to him that it is YOUR house as well. If you don't want visitors for an extended time, you should be able to say no.
If you can't get your husband on board with telling his mother "no," you will fight this battle for the rest of your marriage. As husband and wife you two need to be a team and tell MIL that you are only willing to have her stay with you for X number of weeks. Offer up alternatives if she wants to feel involved (skype, daily pictures, etc.). And remember, if you tell her no, you don't owe her an explanation (she'll likely just fight each of your points anyways). Just a simple "we will not able to offer you a place to stay during your visit." Good luck!
Completely true. Step 1: Come to an agreement with your husband. The two of you are your own family now and need to be able to compromise. If you can get him to agree that she should not stay with you for 2 months, he should be the one to talk to her and you do not owe her an explanation of why.
Personally, in your situation, I think it is a terrible idea for her to stay with you for 2 months. If she chooses not to do anything for herself, you and your husband will probably be responsible for taking care of her and a newborn. Some advice I have heard on here is that you should only allow people to stay with you if they are there to help with things like cooking and cleaning while you adjust to being a parent. If they are just there to "help" by holding the baby, they will probably cause more stress than it is worth. It also sounds like she is the type of person to offer unsolicited advice, and I know I would not want someone like that staying with me while I am taking care of a newborn.
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19
Sorry not much help here but I hope your husband can explain to her that she can either
1. Stay in your house for a week and then move to a hotel so you have some time to figure out your new family dynamic
or
2. She can stay in a hotel from the start using the same reasoning
[It really depends on if you want her there at all or not]
If it makes you feel any better my MIL sent me a message that said
"Don't get too fat. I know my son won't like that. jk"
I completely 100% agree with Schrodinge. My ILs are over bearing, passive agressive (Mil) know it alls (Fil) who have MAJOR boundry issues. Dh and I used to fight about them all.the.time. We finally had a few come to Jesus talks where we set boundries, rules- sticking to them no matter how hard they push. If you can't get your H to compramise, I suggest counceling. I'm pretty sure we were headed for a divorce if Dh hadn't gotten a clue bc I just couldn't stand living under their thumb for the rest of my life...
I suggest allowing your Mil to stay for a select period of time- maybe after your H goes back to work after the baby is here? But pick a time frame, say 2 weeks from X to Y. Stand firm and tell your H that this is your compramise and unless he can come up with a better plan, this is how it's going to be.GL mama.
First, I would have your husband take the lead on this one, making sure of course, that you are both on the same page first.
Second, I would make sure that her feelings are acknowledged, as well as your own. Something along the lines of: "We know you are excited to meet your first grandchild and we are excited to share our joy with you. However, because of the stress surrounding the arrival of a baby as well as (your name)'s health issues, we will not be able to have any visitors for the (number) weeks following the birth. As soon as the baby is born, we will notify you and you can make travel plans to visit us (number) weeks later. Due to the number of people who will be wanting to meet our baby, we ask that you keep your stay to (however long). We hope you understand."
If she insists on coming for the time she has stated, your husband may have to be firm. We are in a similar situation; however, it's my mom that we are dealing with. Even though it's my mom, DH is still taking the lead and standing up for our decision. Thankfully it's happening now--early on--so she can get used to the idea before baby is born!
For us (since my mom is just over an hour away) we told her that she is welcome to visit at the hospital for a few hours after hearing of the birth (we will not be telling anyone I'm in labor until after the baby is born). And that we will not be welcoming visitors for 2 weeks following the birth. After that time we will contact her to schedule a time for her to visit for an afternoon...
I agree with your first point, but strongly disagree with your second. If you start to explain to her all the reasons why she can't come, she's just going to fight those points. If you tell her "it will be stressful," she will just say "tell what needs to be done to reduce your stress."
If you're dealing with argumentative, pushy people, you can't argue logic, you just have to explain what the outcome is going to be. A simple "we can only have visitors for a max of X days" is all you say. If they ask why, you tell them "that's the decision that we have made."
I've been reading the responses and I agree with most of them.
Talk to your Hub and help him understand where you stand. It is his mother and he should be able to take the reigns on this one.
However, in the end, I don't like to take the victim stance. . . when it comes to dealing with In-Laws, my Hub and I have an understanding. . .
If they belong to you, you get the first crack at them. BUT, there is always a choice. . either you deal with them OR *I* will.
It works to keep both the Hub and me sane.
I totally understand and sympathize. I agree that you need to come to an agreement with DH first. Then he needs to tell her. My MIL does not listen to me. Just her sweet little boy. And your post also reminds me of my friend who told her husband, "It's me or you mom. Your choice." You definitely need to be on the same team.
My IL live abroad too so whenever they come they have to stay for an extended period to make the trip "worth it." When I was pg with DD my husband said he wanted his mom his "right away" because he always wanted his mom to show him how to take care of a baby. I knew that would not work because she is so bossy. I told him that I wanted the time to learn how to be a family on our own. I am so glad I did. When my MIL did come she was trying to convince me to start solids at 3 months and give the baby tylenol to help her sleep. I am so glad that I had the time to become confident enough to say "I know my baby and I know what is best for her."
Anyway, I thought for a long time and came up with a compromise. I told DH that his parents could come for 6 weeks when the baby was 8 weeks old because that is when I was going back to school. I felt I would rather have family taking care of my baby than strangers. I also told him that we needed to rent them their own apartment because there is no way we 5 could have survived in the same 2 bedroom apartment for 6 weeks without kill each other. DH reluctantly agreed.
This time since I am done with school so there will be no need to have them here for 6 weeks. Thank goodness! DH wants his parents here for 2 weeks this time. I told him that is only okay if he is not working during that time because there is no way I am going to be trapped at home with my ILs, a newborn and a 22 month old all day by myself! Good luck!