Question about how finances are viewed...

duffmaker

I didn't really know what to title this... so if there is a better one for this thread please LMK! Thanks

I worked before DD, but since my 3rd tri FI became the sole family provider and has been ever since. We have a joint bank account, but of course I'm never adding anything to it. My question is how the money being spent is viewed for gifts and such. Example: Our 3 year anniversary and FI's birthday are this month, I would plan to get him a gift for our anni and throw him a party for his bday... but he refused the thought of a gift (I asked if he wanted anything special), saying that he isn't going to buy himself a gift. I'm really hurt at how it sounded and how it really seems, because I guess yes it is "our money" but he makes it so in reality yes he would be buying himself his own gift... I know he already got me something, I manage our account. I dealt with this at Christmas too, but then we finally opted out of gifts for each other, and with father's day, I ended up just making him dinner... is it always going to be like this? Is this a curse of being a SAHM? How can I ever get him anything... it hurts me to think I can't "treat" him to something nice because he views it as him getting it for himself... I also feel like he feels guilty for spending any money on himself but yet he spoils me and DD

How is this handled in your homes? Any thoughts, advice, opinions etc.

... I'm too embarrassed to ask any SAHMs IRL because I don't like talking about financial things, even something this vague

toadstool

We treat DH to gifts. Usually DH and I discuss a budget for gifts, but he doesn't stop me from using our money to buy him a gift. I don't have an outside employer, but I provide childcare and I even throw in some cooking and cleaning. So yes, we consider it our money, not his money. We do have our own credit cards which we pay off at the end of each month. Usually we only use them for gifts, so that we can keep each other from finding out what we got before it's time to give the gift.

eaglesfan700

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

Andrewsgal

eaglesfan700:

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

This! It is our money and I would not have it any other way. 

FWIW we each have a credit card in our own names, and we buy each other gifts on those so they are a surprise. We pay it off every month so they never carry a balance, it just allows us to suprise each other. 

memali26

eaglesfan700:

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

Exactly this. It has always been "our" money because it is for our family. The first year I was a SAHM I wasn't contributing financially (I do child care for a friend now), but my staying home helps our family in so many other ways. 

celiabwatson

It's our money. I'm actually really surprised at how on board my husband is with that. He has always referred to it as our money and we didn't even have to have a talk about it.

We have a joint account and we each get $40/month transferred to our own accounts. That is our fun/misc. money for the month. It includes eating out with friends, toys, comic books etc. If a gift giving occasion is coming up I will stop spending the money in my account and save up for a gift for him. Sadly our anniversary and birthdays are all in August so I don't get to do much for me in the summer. I feel like it's my money because I sacrificed to save it up, even though originally it came from his paycheck. Occasionally we'll agree to an additional gift budget out of the joint account and transfer it to our individual accounts but only if the budget allows. 

MainelyFoolish

I buy my DH stuff from our joint account. For birthdays, we agree on a dollar limit for gifts. We don't have any separate money (except for retirement savings, which has to be separate). I'm the keeper of the budget in our household, so DH asks me before he spends any money out of the ordinary.

It sounds like you need to come up with a better money management system with your FI. Maybe you need to agree to a dollar limit for gifts for each of you, or set aside some money each month into a "gift" budget/account, or even keep separate spending money accounts for each of you. There is no right or wrong way to handle this as long as both of you are happy.

meg193

I would not be ok with that statement.  All money is "our" money and my husband doesn't police how I spend it.  If I had to ask his permission to buy something I would have to seriously reconsider whether not working was right for me.  For some people it works well to get a predetermined amount of fun money each month that they can spend on whatever they want.  Maybe this would be a good option for you.

jnjmommy0609

I totally get the feeling. I have expressed it as that to my husband and he disagrees. He sees it as me taking the time to go and find him something or make him something. And actually put some thought into it. So that does make me feel a lot better. Also he sees as what I do at home as an odd way of earning money. He thinks I work just as hard as him so he just thinks that his income is my income.

But sometimes it still bothers me which is why I started up my job at home. I mean it's not pulling in cash yet and it won't for a while because I literally just started yesterday. 

Anytime something comes around I put a lot of DIY into it. There are some things I am good at that he just can't figure out how I do it. So whenever I take the time to come up with something he really appreciates it.

Also we kind of just agree if we are not going to buy the gifts. For the past 4 years we have not bought the other a gift on our anniversary because we have been saving to take a trip next year. 

And this year my bday fell on Fathers Day. I told him to not spend anything on me because I would be buying him things. 

littlemermaid

From the moment we said "I do" all the money (no matter who brought it home) was considered "OUR" money.  This did not change when we had children and I became a sahm.   The money he works for and brings home is considered the household money.  It shouldn't be any other way.  Now I noticed you said Fiance and not husband, was he on board with you staying home?    Maybe you can discuss having some "fun" money put into the budget so you have money to spend on yourself and gifts. 

joyfullyfound

You need to have a sit down conversation with him, and discuss your concerns. Tell him exactly what you told us! It sounds like he needsto change his attitude when it comes to your family's finances.

In our house, it is understood that our money is ours equally. Yes, DH earns it through his job, but MY job is to stay home with our LO and care for her and keep our home. It's a partnership, and each of us needs the other. Though DH is technically the one that is paid, he has often said that we earn that money together. I am just as free to spend it as he is.

To not be able to get your DH a birthday present... or any present, isn't right. You need to be made to feel that your family wealth is just as much yours as it is his... it makes me angry that he would make you feel guilty for spending "his" money - that thinking is so wrong, and will only cause resentment between you two. You NEED to be free to make your own choices on spending... as the one that is staying home, the majority of shopping/purchasing decisions are up to you!

You gotta explain this to him. I wonder if there's a good book you could give him on the topic....?

MainelyFoolish

joyfullyfound:

You need to have a sit down conversation with him, and discuss your concerns. Tell him exactly what you told us! It sounds like he needsto change his attitude when it comes to your family's finances.

In our house, it is understood that our money is ours equally. Yes, DH earns it through his job, but MY job is to stay home with our LO and care for her and keep our home. It's a partnership, and each of us needs the other. Though DH is technically the one that is paid, he has often said that we earn that money together. I am just as free to spend it as he is.

To not be able to get your DH a birthday present... or any present, isn't right. You need to be made to feel that your family wealth is just as much yours as it is his... it makes me angry that he would make you feel guilty for spending "his" money - that thinking is so wrong, and will only cause resentment between you two. You NEED to be free to make your own choices on spending... as the one that is staying home, the majority of shopping/purchasing decisions are up to you!

You gotta explain this to him. I wonder if there's a good book you could give him on the topic....?

I haven't personally read it, but I know a lot of people like Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach.

rab41380

eaglesfan700:

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

Same..

eaglesfan700

eaglesfan700:

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

Actually, I want to amend this to say "ever since we were married".  Even when I was working, all the money was "our" money

HarrietNJMommy

eaglesfan700:

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

This. 

hellopoppyseed

It's OUR money. We are one team. We believe God wants unity in marriage and that includes finances. We each get our own "fun money" each month so I use that for gifts. I'm still choosing to spend it on him instead of myself so it's still gift like even though he technically got the money. There's different ways of contributing to a family. What I'm doing doesn't earn money but the payout I'm working for is just as important. 

notkateanymore

The money has always been our money...I buy DH gifts from it. I don't ask him if I can...he would always say he didn't want anything. If I want it to be a surprise, I usually take out cash over a couple of weeks and then buy it. I do consult with him on large purchases...over $500 is the amount we came up with unless it's a gift for him. There hasn't ever really been a time where I was going to buy something over $500 that I hadn't already talked about with him...I mean, I wouldn't go out and buy a couch without getting his opinion. 

JessesGirl&MackenziesMom

KateMW:

The money has always been our money...I buy DH gifts from it. I don't ask him if I can...he would always say he didn't want anything. If I want it to be a surprise, I usually take out cash over a couple of weeks and then buy it. I do consult with him on large purchases...over $500 is the amount we came up with unless it's a gift for him. There hasn't ever really been a time where I was going to buy something over $500 that I hadn't already talked about with him...I mean, I wouldn't go out and buy a couch without getting his opinion. 

I'm not going to touch the our money/his money/ my money- that's been covered pretty well.

For the surprise/gift thing, I do the bolded above. I will get some cash back at the grocery store a couple times and pay for his gift in cash- otherwise, he would see our bank statement and have a good idea of where his gift was coming from.

Demedoll

When I was only staying home and not working I had a budget and would withdraw that money each month and put it into my account. I would save money each month out of that to use towards surprises and gifts for my husband. I also like the having your own CC idea idea so the hubby doesn't find out what you got him, but with that he would eventually know the cost because the money to pay off the card comes from the joint account.

Personally I think it is always a good idea for SAHM moms to put a little money away each week/month. I think that even though it comes from the joint account that he is funding, you feel like you have your own money, at least that is how I felt. The more coupons I used to save on stuff the more money I got to put away and save so when I got things for him I felt a little more empowered. My budget was kind of like my salary.

If you are not "good" with money or excel this might not be the way to go for you, but I tracked everything on a spreadsheet so I knew how much I had saved. 

penguingrrl

I still give DH gifts even if it's "his" money that earned them. I do my best to really surprise him with something nice he would never go get himself. He might be the one who works outside the home to bring in a paycheck, but the money is very much ours.

etude de la vie

It's our money and as far as I'm concerned I wok very hard for that money. I may not get an actual paycheck but I save us over $3,000 in daycare by staying home so I guess that could be the "amount" I contribute for being a SAHM. 

As far as gifts. I do get DH something but also try to make him something more personal. Painting from the kids, photos framed and he seems to appreciate that more than just going to a store to pick something out.  

sophie206

Andrewsgal:

eaglesfan700:

Ever since I became a SAHM, it has always been "our" money.  I never felt weird about spending it on a gift.  Just because you aren't contributing financially doesn't mean you aren't contributing.

This! It is our money and I would not have it any other way. 

FWIW we each have a credit card in our own names, and we buy each other gifts on those so they are a surprise. We pay it off every month so they never carry a balance, it just allows us to suprise each other. 

This is what we do, too.

mrsrobinsontobe

are you sure he's ok with being the sole financial provider? perhaps that's the bigger issue? he could be saying there's not enough $ for gifts at this time...if so, i'd go the diy route, and have a good talk about this issue. as much as sahms cook, clean, and provide childcare, so do all parents -- moms and dads, working or not, so may not be the best approach if he's not totally on board financially with you not working.

Temp6313048411121614

Maybe it's because we've had a joint account forever, but it's always been "our money" and when I quit working it was still "our money".  He's never had the mindset of it being "his" money.  We do opt out of many gifts because we both feel kind of like your husband, since it's coming out of our joint money (if DH buys me something, that's just less money I have to spend on whatever later).  If you want to buy each other gifts and it not be "joint" money, maybe you each could get a specified amount of "fun money" per pay period or per month and spend it out of that.  (sorry for so many quotes).

jw87

We normally talk budget for gifts because we are on a super strict budget, but I always get him gifts for holidays, birthdays and special occasions.  It's never viewed as him "buying himself something" though... we are both on the same page that it is "our money."  He is always happy to be showered with gifts! lol

It sounds like you really need to have this conversation with your H about how it makes you feel and the way he views it, because it's not healthy in my opinion (and it's obviously hurtful in more ways than one). 

GL. 

duffmaker

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the input! I like the idea of having seperate accounts to make like our own slush funds for outtings and shopping. This would probably help our overall spending habits too. Oh and FI is fully in support of my staying home. While the extra bit of cash would be nice, the benefit for DD is much more important and from a financial stand point... I don't have a degree of any kind, so what I would make would be almost completely sucked up by child care costs.

PansyPants

We handle things a little differently. Every time my husband get's paid I'm given a set amount of money for use in maintaining our home. It's for groceries, things the baby needs, anything I want, and any presents I would buy him. We view it as the household budget but also as being completely at my discretion to use since I'm the caretaker of our home and family. He brings the bacon, I decide what to do with it.

Ktande22

Agree w/ all the above said regarding discussing how you feel him not letting you spend "his" money makes you feel devalued as a care provider and as a wife who wants to do things for him that let him know you appreciate his work and providing for your family.  Here are the stats they come out w/ every mothers day   A Salary.com calculationfound that after all the various duties are added up, stay-at-home moms put in 94.7 hours in a typical workweek, and it would cost $112,962 a year to replace her.

Keep that in mind yourself!  You are irreplaceable in your home!!  Having separate"fun" money is always a great idea.  Our  budget is broken down into things like clothing, gifts, grocery, bills etc so we know exactally how much we have to spend on any given thing.  DH never cares what I spend money on as long as we're within our budget. (its a tight one right now but we make it work!)  He often remarks that my job is harder than his.  

dulcinea03

It is totally 'our' money. As part of our budget, we each get $50/mo as spending money, and we also have a second bank account that has $50 direct deposited to it that is specifically for gifts- mothers/fathers day, birthdays, christmas, etc. That way the gifts are budgeted for, and have $$ set aside so it isn't a crimp in the household budget.

FormerlyKrista555

I'm in the "it's our money" camp.