Intro - triplet loss @ 22 weeks 6 days

MrsMS2008

I'm mostly a lurker, but have posted here and there over the last 2 years on other boards. I have a few questions and I didn't know where else to go, so I hope it's okay I join you all.

First, I'm so, so sorry to read everyone?s story and to see that there are so many of you in this group. Losing a child and any point in a pregnancy (and after) is such a devastating thing that no one should ever have to go through.

After two years of trying to conceive, and one miscarriage at 9 weeks, we were finally pregnant ? with triplets!  Not what we tried or hoped for, but we were happy and did so much to prepare for 3 babies.  I had a preventive cerclage at 14 weeks and hadn?t had any problems other than OHSS in the very beginning.  Unfortunately, my cervix shortened anyway, and I was in the hospital for 3 days on full bed rest before Baby A?s membranes ruptured.  I had no choice to deliver, at 22 weeks 6 days, just 1 week shy of viability. It was heartbreaking having to deliver all 3, knowing they most likely didn?t have a chance. We thought Baby A would, because he was measuring a whole week ahead of the other 2. They transferred me to a larger hospital for his delivery, but he was stillborn. The other 2 came out moving, and died in the arms of my husband and I. 

It?s been almost 3 weeks and today I left the house for the first time (other than an ER visit and a DR appointment).  It was pure torture. To do regular things and see everyone else so happy hurt so much. My children just died, how am I supposed to go grocery shopping? How do I leave them (their ashes) at home all by themselves?  And seeing everyone else ? I just wanted to shout at everyone. It?s like they were all wrong for being happy. And I know that?s not true, but I couldn?t help but feel that way.

I know everyone is different, but how long did it take for you to be able to go about daily life again? 

How do you handle seeing your friends and family? Do you put a fake smile on, or is it ok to bring out the pictures and talk about your baby and cry?

Sorry this is so long.  Sometimes I feel like I?m just in a bad dream and this really isn?t happening to me. But today, going out, made me realize how I?m just not ready to face anyone yet.  For my husbands sake, I hope I am soon. ~M

MrsMS2008

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I do have a follow up appointment scheudled in another few weeks.  It's not so much the physical things that I worry about (sex, working out, etc. are the last things on my mind), it's more just being able to get dressed and get out of bed. Life just sems so pointless right now.  Everything is so different.  

Thanks for all your thoughts. You made me think of some things I hadn't considered.

 I will keep Asher (and you and your family) in my thoughts in prayers. 

   

eroplane

I am so sorry for your loss. No one should ever have to outlive their children.

I am glad that you found this board - it has been a tremendous help to me. We have very similar stories and I wish there was something I could say that would immediately help but it seems time is the only thing that has helped me deal. I am just shy of 6 months since William and Summer were born and some days do seem easier. At first I was so angry at everyone - how could they go about their lives like nothing happened!! My precious babies were gone and they wanted to talk about routine life stuff!!

Me now:

Angry a lot, especially the people that don't acknowledge my children. I don't care how uncomfortable it makes them dammit.

I cry. A lot some days and just misty eyed others.

I gauge time now by how old my babies should be.

I avoid pregnant bellies and babies like the plague. I cannot stand to be around them.

I hate celebrities that have twins. J-Lo and SJP are the two worst.

I still have flashbacks from the delivery to NICU and it seems like I'm living a nightmare.  

My mother was very supportive and wanted to help so badly but after Summer died I didn't want to see her or anyone else. Everyone in my family except my mom ignore the subject and it hurts more than they will ever know. I used to talk to my family frequently but now I just reply to my mom's calls with a text saying I'm fine.

I went back to work 6 weeks pp ( I am a nurse at the hospital William and summer were born and died at - the NICU is super close to my area) and I really struggled at first. I guess just recently I have been getting back in the groove of work.

I tell everyone about my babies and show their pictures often. I'm making brag books on Shutterfly to keep with me. Even though I cry, I really enjoy talking about them. Do whatever makes you feel ok and screw what others think. So many of the ladies on here have posted about friends, family and co-workers avoiding the subject. People don't know how to act but it's not our problem, their worlds haven't been shattered, so what of they are a wee bit uncomfortable

I am sorry this is so long. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and we are always here for you. Big hugs.  

 

eroplane

I saw your siggy and wanted to add what beautiful names - Ryker, Tommy, and MaryElizabeth. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Like pp said, I hope I didn't come across too pushy also. 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I am so sorry for the loss of your triplets.  Losing one baby was devastating for me, I could only imagine loosing 3.

First of all, be kind to yourself.  You're beginning a long and difficult journey and pushing yourself to do things by a certain time will honestly just make it that much tougher.  

I hate to say this but things will never be "normal" again.  What you will eventually get "used to" is the "new normal".  I'm closing in on 7 months out since my Corbin's been gone and I'm still getting used to it.  The best advice I can offer is if you have to go out and do normal things (grocery shopping, etc) I'd try to have someone go with you for a while (I've found having someone to talk to about anything "oh look there's a sale on pasta!") can help you get through a rough wave.  I always make sure to bring headphones with me and I listen to music while I'm in the store.  Also be prepared to have a cart full of groceries and just abandon it because you lose it.  I also suggest going grocery shopping early in the morning or late at night - less kids and pregnant women. Over time it will get better and you'll find that how things actually go and how you thought they were going to go were different and it wasn't so bad. 

You will go through a range of emotions that can change minute by minute for a while.  It's ok.  Feel what you feel.  You have that right.

Most of my friends and family have been super great and supportive about talking about Corbin, looking at pictures etc.  Some people now avoid me all together.  I know it seems impossible right now but you will smile and laugh again and it will be ok.

I don't know if any of this helps or not but just my 2 cents.  Sorry to have to welcome you to this group but this is an amazing group of women and we're always here for you if you need to vent, cry, gloat, etc.  {{HUGS}}

Heatherhah

I am so sorry you have to join us . I am also so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. I love their names. We are all here to help you. Huge hugs to you !!

It has been almost 9 months since we lost our Daughter and time seems to help it doesn't ever get better only different. the pain and loss will alwazys be there but life does get easier in time. I would say the turning point is around 3 months you kind of come out of the fog of things. Life is still hard 9 months out but it seems to be more happier days then sad these days for me. Don't get me wrong I miss my sweet baby every second of all days.

Anything you need please ask!!

Heather

laurendSept05

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies.  What beautiful names!  My pregnancy started out as triplets, did IVF - transfered two and one split.  We lost the identicals at 11 weeks, and our Caleb at 21 weeks 5 days.  It is heartbreaking wanting a child for so long - getting three and then not being able to keep any of them.  It is very difficult in the begining to see how happy everyone else is, and I still feel jealous of pregnant women and families.  For me, I think it took me about month before I felt like the fog lifted a little.  But I still have days where I cry all day.  I understand the feeling of being in a bad dream - sometimes I just think its such a sad story, and I can't believe the person in that story is me and that it happened to me.  I spent pretty much every day in the week following with my family - I saw friends maybe a month after.  For me I can talk about all the medical aspects of our loss, but I still can't talk about all of it.  I hope in time I will be able to do that.  Remeber to take care of yourself, do what makes you feel comfortable.  Don't feel like you have to be a certain way.  Lots of hugs to you - I'm so sorry you have to join this board.

MrsMS2008

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice.  I do hope in time it gets easier, because I am just so upset right now. I'm sure I always will be sad , I just need to find my new normal, and learn who it's okay to talk to and who it's not.

 Thank you.

JessicaRobb

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. It took me three weeks to get back to work. It was hard going on with life as if nothing had happened. The world had just kept moving despite my life-altering experience. I did not bring up my loss at work. I teach and I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about it, but that is just me. I did talk about it with family members but it took me a while, maybe a month, before I really could. Just now, 7 months out, I feel as if I can talk about it and not cry every time. But crying is okay!

Take your time. Whatever you are feeling is normal. While it can be difficult, it is likely that your and your husband will grieve differently.

Hugs. 

foxxy1

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. Did you name them?

For me, I've been distant but everyone has been respectful of it and no one forces me to do anything I don't want to. Because your loss is still so new, I do recommend taking a lot of time to grieve and go through the motions. Some days, you want to be surrounded by people. Other days, you want to be alone. Both feelings are perfectly fine.  Everyone grieves differently so don't feel you should be acting one way or another.

You've come to the right place. You're among friends here and there's no judgment. We all support each other. *HUGS*

nuttycoconut

I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your beautiful triplets. I lost twins due to an IC after struggling with infertility. It's just so devastating and unfair. 

I took 9 weeks off from work. I'm a teacher and did not feel like I could be in charge of 20 kids unless I took time to grieve and heal. I still struggled to get through the day and even though I felt ok at home, I needed medication for a month to get through the day at work. It was incredibly stressful and difficult. I also went to therapy and support group. 

I felt exactly the same way you did with strangers at the grocery store, friends and family. I felt better after about 6 weeks, then absolutely terrible for my entire 3rd month/due date, then much better months 5-6. It must seem so far away for you, I'm sorry about that. I was pissed at my friends that they could smile and talk about normal things in front of me but now I love being with them and I welcome their conversation.  It's better to tell them your story and talk about your babies the first few times. You may end up feeling more comfortable with them in the long run if they know exactly what you have been through. 

I feel heartbroken for you that you are going through this right now. It was the absolute worst time of my life. I still have some sad moments but it's not all-consuming like it was. I'm sorry again. ((hugs)) Please feel free to pm me if you want, because as you can see from my siggy, I'm going through another multiples pregnancy now. And yep, I'm terrified.  

MeggM1

I'm so sorry for the loss of your triplets. Their names are beautiful.

 I remember the first time I went out by myself - it was probably three weeks after our loss. I went to pick up a prescription and completely lost track of time. I don't remember what I was doing - just walking up and down the aisles, and what was supposed to be a 15 minute trip took 45 minutes. I came home and my mom and husband were hopeful that I had took some time for myself and that's why I had been gone so long, but in reality I was just wandering aimlessly around a CVS.

 As far as moving forward, my therapist put it best. You are going to spend the rest of your life walking on a beach during a storm. Sometimes you are going to get hit really hard with waves. Sometimes the water is just going to lap at your feet. But there is another wave that inevitably comes, and while I promise you will have good days and smile again, it ebbs and flows and there will be hard days.

Seeing friends and family, even people I was close to previously, was very difficult. Some people understood that, and some people didn't. I lean on those people who did understand and do my best to ignore everyone else when possible. Relationships will change drastically. But I think some of that is for the best because it showed me who is here for me, and who I'll be there for, no matter what.

I connect with other baby loss moms whenever possible, but multipule loss is a unique situation. But you are not alone. When you are ready, go to the CLIMB website (Center for Loss in Multiple Births) and connect with Jean, the founder. I'm on my phone or I'd link to the site. One of the best parts of that organization is there is a contact list so that you can connect with other families who have lost triplets. I have become close with a mother who went through a single twin loss like mine in my city and having her to talk to has done so much for both of us. There are also women who have been a part of the organization for 20+ years and have been amazing. The website also has sections for friends and family that I wish I would have found earlier and sent to people.

Again, I'm so sorry for your losses. Take care of yourself and let others take care of you. 

 

StephK86

****Siggy Warning****

 

I am so,so sorry for your losses. I wish you didn't have to join us here. I wish I could give you a great big hug. Make sure you allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you want to and ignore those who tell you when or how to move on. Those who have never lost a child think they know everything when it comes to giving us advice. I am keeping you in my thoughts. (HUGS)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs Nice

I am so ver sorry for your losses.