What was your birth plan like?
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Because this one is awessoommee.
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/jamie-and-jeffs-birth-plan
Jamie and Jeff's Birth Plan
By Paul Williams Davies
Dear Hospital Staff:
Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child. The following sets forth our wishes for our stay. If a medical emergency requires you to deviate from this plan, please refer to ?Jamie and Jeff?s Emergency Birth Plan.? (Tab J) Please note: Jamie is RH Negative and BPA-free.
Philosophy
While we do not have a traditional ?philosophy? of ?childbirth,? we have been heavily influenced by orthodox Wholefoodism and the ?(d)well baby/good design? movement. We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, ?What Would Gwyneth Do??
Environment
We would like mood lighting, like on Virgin America.
The following people, who were with us at conception, will again be in the room with us today: Jeff?s mom; Jeff?s sister; Jeff?s sister?s friend, Melanie (plus 2); Jeff Koons.
Please provide WiFi so we can check what you say against Wikipedia and our favorite mom blogs.
Music is very important to us, as music was playing in the Mongolian yurt when we first made love.
In lieu of a traditional hospital gown, Jamie would prefer to be dressed like Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer.
Please avoid any use of the words ?pulsate,? ?soiled,? or ?octo? in the delivery room.
Prep
Jamie would prefer no enema or shaving of pubic hair. If shaving is necessary, she would prefer something in the shape of a vuvuzela. Jeff?s pubic hair should NOT be shaved.
Jeff would like an IV.
Labor
Please generally avoid procedures that are totally unnecessary or excruciatingly painful.
Jamie would like Jeff to do the pushing whenever possible.
We have chosen a Doctor (?Mr. Cooper?) because he shares our desire for a natural, low-intervention birth. Mr. Cooper will deliver the baby via Skype from his home in Taos.
If Jamie starts to sob uncontrollably during labor, please turn off The Notebook. In the event the crying continues, please administer the following drugs to Jeff (per Mr. Cooper): Darvocet, Diamorphine, Vicodin, Medical Marijuana.
If induction is necessary, Jamie would like to try the following before Pitocin is administered: walking, stretching, flipping over, rolfing, online browsing, nipple stimulation and/or sexual intercourse.
Nipple stimulation should be done by the resident Jamie met on the tour who looks like Benjamin Bratt.
Delivery
We strongly prefer a girl.
If you have not already done so, please now take a few minutes and read Early Admission: How to Deliver an Ivy League Baby!
Jeff will remain in the squatting position throughout delivery.
When the crown of the head appears, please turn down the music as Jeff will be reading aloud from Be Here Now by Ram Dass.
Please, no texting while suctioning.
Jamie would like a mirror so that she can see the horrible expression on her face if it?s a boy.
IMPORTANT: if the baby appears to be black, please immediately escort Jeff out of the room and bring in Jeremy Rayburn from the 5th Floor waiting area.
In the event of a Cesarean, please practice Western medicine.
Post-Birth
We are interested in the following preschools: St. James, The Schoolhouse at Cedar Point, or Kidsplace. Willow Glen is ONLY a backup.
Jamie would like Jeff circumcised.
Please do not cut the cord until we are through the toddler years.
We would like the baby certified organic by Oregon Tilth.
Please don?t put the baby on a scale, as we don?t want her to have the same body image issues as her fat mom.
We would like to donate the placenta to the people of the Gulf Coast.
We ask that the baby be bathed in our presence, in the delivery room, in San Pellegrino.
Per Mr. Cooper, do not feed the baby mussels.
Per Gisele Bundchen, do not give the baby a bottle (i.e. chemicals) for at least 6 months.
If the baby must be taken from the room because of a medical emergency, we would like Jeff to accompany the child. (In this scenario, Benjamin Bratt would stay with Jamie. Please maintain mood lighting and insert the CD in Jamie?s handbag labeled, WHEN JEFF LEAVES.)
We will not be vaccinating our baby. Please vaccinate all other babies on this floor.
Namaste,
Jeff and Jamie
Re: What was your birth plan like?
That's amazing/hilarious.
Mine was something like this:
"To whom it may concern: Get this baby out any way you need to"
Also, this was my favorite part:
Please provide WiFi so we can check what you say against Wikipedia and our favorite mom blogs.
Now, having given birth once, I find birth plans comical. I watched that stupid Ricky Lake documentary (the business of being born??), and wanted to go natural. I wanted to do it for Ricky. I made it to the hospital and held out about 20 minutes before calling the anesthesiologist.
Drugs? Yes, please
Now that is funny. I loved all of it.
Our birth plan was 'getting this baby here safely and healthy'. I really wanted to wait with the epi as long as I could and I wanted only my husband with me in the room. Well, it was just us. And a sh!tload of people in the OR. Which was ok, but I still kinda feel cheated out of my 'normal' birth experience. I didn't want anything fancy, just a vaginal birth.
That is fantastic.
My birth plan was like, drugs? yes please. More Drugs? OK. Oh, and I better have a jimmy johns sub w/a coke and chocolate chip cookie promptly after giving birth.
Hahaha! I literally laughed out loud when I read that.. hilarious!
At first I was confused (and still kind of am?) because I thought it was someone's actual birth plan.. but then I realized it was extremely sarcastic... it was sarcastic, right??
Either way.. absolutely awesome.
Oh and my birth plan was one word: epidural.
Sounds like a great birth plan. I might use that next time!
A) I love this birth plan. I thought it was going to be a real one, totally over the top (and the "congratulations on being on shift" kept me thinking that) and ridiculous.
C) Crystal, you're hilarious.
D) I didn't have a birth plan, really. The only thing I specifically wanted was to try no drugs, then laughing gas (if necessary), then epi (if necessary), and to avoid morphine. Well, my contractions were coming really fast and exhausting and I was only 2cm and they wouldn't give me laughing gas or epi until I was at least 4cm. The nurse convinced me the slim chance of negative effects from morphine wasn't an issue since it would only be an issue if the baby arrived within 4 hours and since I was only 2cm dilated that wasn't going to happen. So I went for it. Lily was born less than 2 hours after I got it. LOL No negative effects, though, and I'm so glad I had it.
BFP #1: July 12, 2010 Natural M/C: July 26, 2010
BFP #2: January 30 ,2011 Born: September 29, 2011
BFP #3: January 5, 2013 Born: August 25, 2013
Bahaha. I think I invited mine for dinner. It was Thanksgiving, after all. I also told him he was my favorite person in the whole city and was asking for his first name, because I planned to name my son after him. I was a bit loopy once I got the drugs. However, it still seems like a totally natural thing to me.
Congrats Starbuck :y & HHB on their sweet baby boys!
Lots of love & luck to Mdluv & Zook
IUI#4 = BFP!!
When the world says give up... hope whispers try it one more time
I told the hot anesthesiologist that I wanted to make out with him, then I threw up. Super hot.
THIS is hilarious!
I've had three kids, and all three of my birth plans were as follows:
"I hate needles, and I know I'm going to be a hot mess so let's get this baby out with as many drugs as possible. Surgery is no joke. Oh, and I puke under anesthesia. Let's have a baby."
*** - now y'all know me and DH's name. And that I made an awful face when LBB was born.
How on earth did you find my birth plan?