A difference in parenting opinion?
jillybean800
member
What do you do when you and your H have a differing opinion about something with your child? I, of course, believe I should win out because I end up being the primary caregiver, and thus must deal with most of the consequences from our choices. My husband disagrees, haha.
Here is our specific issue: I wanted to wean Alexander from bottles by 18 months. My mom, MIL and husband ALL disagreed and just wanted to keep giving it to him because "he likes it." Well, that's all well and good, but I don't want him to be a 2 or 3 year old with a bottle! Now that I'm home for the summer, my Mom and MIL's influence is broken. (they were both giving him afternoon bottles) So I quickly got him down to one bottle just at nighttime...it does seem to help with teething pain for now and he likes to just chew on the cold nipple. I could conceivably let that go for another month or so.
My husband though refuses to go along with this and gives him a bottle in the morning too when he wakes up with him. Today, he couldn't find a ring for the bottle (most of them broke, and sorry, I'm not replacing them) and Alexander was screaming, and I was trying to get one more hour of sleep. I came downstairs and H basically yelled at me, saying I won't buy more bottle rings because I won't listen to him and his opinion. We got into a huge fight in front of Alexander, which I HATE to do (it's a rarity, Thank God). When I give him a cup in the morning, he's fine with it, but since he knows my H gives him the bottle, he threw a fit.
Anyway, what would you do (or what are you doing) if you and your H disagree about something?
Re: A difference in parenting opinion?
Throw away all of the bottles. Okay, I'm semi-joking here. However, my MIL kept trying to give C pacis long after we weaned him from them. I actually did keep them but hid them well from her and told her I threw them all away. It's different though b/c it was my MIL and not my DH. Can you get your pedi's help on it? I know our 18 month sheet says they should be weaned already or very soon at 18 months. Maybe if a medical professional tells him then he'll understand. I was so scared to drop C's nighttime bottle but once we just tried a cup instead and never looked back. It's not good at all for their teeth once they start really all coming in, at least I don't think it is. Sorry Jilly.
That's a toughie!
For small things, we tend to abide by the rule that whoever is "on duty" at that moment can do things they way they prefer to do them. DH is home all week during the day, but I do most of the parenting weeknights and we split weekends, so it pretty much evens out.
For hard and fast rules though (the "biggies"), we try to be consistent. If we're not in agreement, we usually talk it through. My DH is pretty logical, so usually showing him some articles on the topic or talking to the pedi does the trick. Do you think your husband would respond well to reading some info on what pediatricians and dentists say about weaning off the bottle?
It's funny because DH and I haven't disagreed on anything yet. DH knows I am constantly reading up on things and discussing issues with friends, so he pretty much defers to me on all things kid-related (for now, at least!). I agree with pp...I would just say, "Well, the pedi says...." Actually, I'm pretty sure our pedi said that by one, kids should move on to sippies. Our goal was one, and we stuck to it. DS didn't care at all. As long as he's getting his milk, that's all that matters.
Do you have Toddler 411? I find it to be a great resource on many topics and you will likely find a lot of support to back you up on things.
I'm of the same mind as you are in that the primary caregiver gets the final say on most decisions- bottles/pacis/naps/etc. joint decisions should be made about vaccines, circs, and other things that effect LOs long term.
Jilly- I think you are in the right here. Play the pedi card if you have to.
I'm lucky in that DH trusts my judgment 98% of the time and usually asks my opinion before making one of his own. Typing that out it makes him sound like a huge pushover but seeing as how I have more experience with kids and keep myself better informed it is just the most logical way I guess. Plus, DH has a lot of common sense and lets face it, that counts for a lot.
I agree with pretty much all of this, especially about the pedi card. The pedi's word is golden to MH! lol.
We had a similar issue where if DS would wake before 6, MH would go up to him right away with his sippy of milk & take him out of his crib. He'd then try to get him to go back to sleep either on the floor or on him. Such a bad habit!
I had to put my foot down & then suck it up & get up with DS myself so I could sleep train him to go back to sleep in his crib till 6, at which point he could have his milk & get up for the day.
All was well & good until DS started waking early again, I guess b/c of teething or whatever. So there goes MH again, running to DS's rescue the second he would cry! So before we knew it, he was back in the habit of waking at like 5 & MH going through his routine again.
It usually takes me making a stance, getting upset & making it clear that this will not be acceptable when the new baby comes. I most recently said to him that I work hard to keep DS on a routine & when the new baby comes, I am going to need to rely on him to continue implementing my routine & not just go doing whatever he wants b/c he only makes the situation worse.
MH has a bleeding heart, if that's the right expression to use?! The second DS cries he runs to his aid & doesn't see the bigger picture of how he's causing more harm than good. I need to constantly remind him that DS's well being is dependent on structure yadda yadda.
GL!
In our house, whoever has the better researched and supported rationale wins out.
"He likes it" would sink like a rock here. He also may like staying up late, throwing things around your house, hitting people, wandering into the road, etc. but you probably don't let him do those things.
Ginny DX 21-Hydroxylase Deficiency Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
Charlie DX Specific Antibody Deficiency & ASD
My husband totally has the bleeding heart too! That's why he still wants to give the bottle. He knows what the pedi says, but doesn't think it's "that big of a deal." I think it will take some more arguing and insisting on my part. He did say he was going to go buy the rings...well, we will just see if that happens! Maybe I can hold out until they all break...mwahahaha!
I am sure if we sit down and talk a little more rationally than was done this morning we can hash it out. We don't really have many other disagreements about parenting, except for certain CIO scenarios. And I usually win those because I simply know better.
Totally this!
When exactly is DH's cut off age for the bottle then? Is he going to let him go to PreK with a bottle? By 2? I can't say much because my kid still sucks on a binky all.the.time, but I know we have to wean him off it soon because it's going to kill his teeth.
Would a money issue appeal to your DH? Add up how much it would cost to replace bottle parts for another six months, plus formula if you are still using that, plus the cost of braces, other dental care, and private speech therapy.
I would definitely take DH with you to the doctor and have the pedi talk to him about why the bottle needs to go away. If you just say that the pedi said such and such, he might be less likely to care than if he actually has to sit there and listen to the doctor in person.
I agree that if you are doing the bulk of the parenting, this is one issue he needs to let you decide on too .
In reference to the bottle - we decided we wanted J off bottles at least a few months before new baby came b/c we didn't want to deal w/ 2 on bottles & J getting jealous every time baby got a bottle. (I'm BFing now but H will be at home w/ both of them when I go back to work so she'll have bottles then).
As far as decision go, it's tough. I do a lot more of the research but H was a SAHD so he had daily duties. Things like the pacifier or foods or naps I would just give my opinion & reason but have to let it go after that. It's not fair for me to say no more paci when I'm not the one trying to get him down for a nap 5days a week.
Im actually surprised that he is still on a bottle, and even more surprised that YH doesn't realize he is way too old for it. It really won't be that hard to drop it. Hazel loved her bottles, but we dropped them cold turkey at the beginning of march with very little trouble.
You definitely want to be way past the bottle stage by the time #2 arrives or A will get all sorts of jealous. That will be a nightmare and YH will prob just give in and you'll have them both on bottles. Think how many bottles you'll need then!
Don't throw the bottles away though, because then you can save them for #2 . Just toss the nipples. You'll probably want to get new ones anyway for the next baby. That way you're not wasting perfectly good bottles, but they will be useless without the nipples.
Seriously though, you should be concerned about waiting too long to lose the bottle, then A will just see new baby's bottle and flip out. Maybe YH hasn't thought about that.
The reason he is still on the bottle was for his weight issues. When we were first transitioning to milk, he would drink a whole 8 ounce bottle, but only take two sips from a cup. At 12-15 months, we were more concerned with his weight issue than the bottle issue, so that took precedence. We also didn't know if his low weight was natural or because of something else, so we had to get that all worked out first. Now, I know he is perfectly capable of dropping a bottle: if people would LET him! He's actually a pretty easy going baby, if you just hold strong for more than you know, 4 seconds.
I usually win all the battles when it comes to Griff. I usually just say that thats what everone on my bump board is doing lol :P. But honestly we don't disagree on a lot and when we do, I usually do win (regarding Griff and everything else:)).
I do think you're right, though. A should totally be weaned off the bottles now.
I agree with others... you have a better argument, so you win.
In our house, we disagree pretty often. Normally I am a really emotionally-driven person, and DH is very logical (he is into math and science, and I'm into the arts. We totally fit those stereotypes.) However, with L, I use the science to defend my stances on things, while DH argues based on his ridiculous "sense of reason."
For example, I wanted DH to make sure that when he took L to my In-Law's (they go frequently when I am working the late shift), that L was staying away from smoky areas in the house. (MIL used to be a smoker, but luckily has quit recently!) DH also tried reasoning that it was OK if MIL just used hand sanitizer after smoking, instead of washing her hands, because she would never do anything to hurt L.
Anywho... I printed him 4 pages of info about how "3rd hand smoke" affects kids, and he totally disregarded it because of his emotional connection to his mom.
With bottles, the pedi said she wanted L off bottles by 1 year. That was at his 9 month appointment. That night, we washed all his bottles and packed them away, with no issues.
Anyway, to answer your question... we TRY to stick with facts and research, unless DH just doesn't believe the research. Then we really argue.
Ditto - "he likes it" is a crappy argument and I think it's equally as crappy that your MIL and mother would give him a bottle when you asked them not to. You're the parents - not them.
I would agree that printing out some studies/literature and giving them to DH might work - though if it was my husband he wouldn't bother reading it.
I might instead say that you'll have to suck it up and do the early morning feeding too until he's totally used to it and off bottles, so that way your husband doesn't have anything to hold over your head. Then throw the bottles away and be done with it.
Sorry mama
(( I know it's crappy disagreeing.
My little man at 0-1-2
Here's a good article:
https://www.livestrong.com/article/511679-when-should-i-stop-giving-my-baby-a-bottle/
States that they should be done by 15 months as advised by the American Academy of Pediatrics mostly due to dental health concerns, cavities, obesity (don't mention that one!), low iron levels, less likely to master other feeding skills,
My little man at 0-1-2