mommy guilt - vent

kmm2150

DD is 5 months and has been in daycare since she was 2 months old; I work full-time. My mom recently retired and has just started picking DD up from daycare twice a week and keeping her into the evening, allowing me some time to go to the gym or run errands or whatever. My parents and My ILs take DD frequently for a Saturday afternoon, giving DH and I time to do things together or run errands, that sort of thing.

I guess I just feel really bad because we are getting far more help than many new parents and 1) I feel like DD spends less time with me than she does with all these other caregivers, between grandparents and daycare and 2)I feel like even with all this help I still can't get my act together - the house is always a mess, the laundry hamper is always overflowing, we never seem to have a full stock of groceries and end up eating out way too much, AND I am having a really hard time focusing at work and feel like I haven't gotten my head above water since I came back from maternity leave.

The other factor is that DH has a very demanding job, and is very demanding of himself with work - he works from home and has a hard time shutting it down - he will come downstairs with his laptop and "hang out" with us but is still working and even though he pulls more than his own weight, with cleaning, yard work, etc., I just don't feel like he's "there" all the time - his mind is somewhere else.

I don't really have a question, I guess, just feeling down today. Maybe some of you with older LOs can tell me that it gets better and some day I will not have to dig through the hamper to find the least-dirty pair of pants to wear to work?

jnealet

It does get better!  I feel like I'm kind of coming out of the fog now that D2 is sleeping better (although not this week). 

I also started on Zoloft about 2 months ago and that has helped A LOT!  I finally feel like I can focus and think again.

mcnasn0

First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is completly and totally normal.  I think half of being a mother is feeling guilty about something.  I must say that as a fellow working mother, I am a little jealous of all the help that you get! (My husband works in NJ, we live in Texas, my ILs are in NJ, and my family is in FL).

My daughter went to daycare at 3 months.  She is now 13 months old.  She is doing marvelously and she really has excelled through daycare.  She is compassionate, sweet and very smart.  Through daycare, she has been socialized and she can be around other children comfortably and she has learned to share.  But, in the beginning, I cried every day that I was "abandoning" her.  I don't know where you are, but being in the South, many other women judge you for not staying home with your children.  But, I am an attorney and I've studied and worked too hard to give it up at this point.  So here's my advice:

1. realize you can't do it all.  In order to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, career person etc., you need to let go of something.  If that's housework, then so be it.  I accepted this as my downfall and I have a housekeeper who comes every other week.  If this is an option for you, take it.  But realize that even with a housekeeper, there will still be times when things get messy.  Children are messy and when you're exhausted, you may not be able to pick up all the toys and that's ok.

2. the fact that you have help is going to make you a better mother.  You can get more rest, have time to your marriage (that is also important in order to be a successful parent) and you have some time to yourself to keep your sanity.  This is nothing to feel guilty about.  It's being smart.  A happy mother will have a happy baby.

3. men will never be "there" in the same way that you will.  My husband is the same way.  You'd think that since he works so far away from us that when he's in town, he's totally there with us, but he's not.  He's a workaholic and he does his best to do everything possible to help me out, but he will still never be "there" as much as I will.  We carried these babies and bonded with them from the moment we found out about them.  It's because of all the sacrifces that we've made that they are here and healthy.  A man cannot understand that fully because he is not able to carry a baby.  We are pregnant with our second and my husband keeps saying that he forgets that I'm pregnant.  That is something a woman will never do.

4. give yourself a break.  You can't be super mommy all the time.  Feeling guilty about not being with your child "enough" means that you love your baby and want to do what is best for her.  That's all that matters.  Just keep loving her and doing your best.  It sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

 I hope this helped.

brewcitybride

Becoming a mom is HARD. Just because you have help doesn't mean your new challenges with being a mom instantly disappear. You need to give yourself a break. It's ok to have a dirty house, to eat out, and to let things go.

YES, it does get easier. Give it time. That first year of new mommyhood with a first baby is the most challenging ever, at least it was for me. I felt after 12 months that I was finally getting the hang of it.

cindybaf

Honestly, it took me a year to really get back on my feet again with LO. There are so many changes that occur that first year, and DH would be around but he's clueless and gets frustrated when LO doesn't behave her usual way. So when she gets sick it feels like I have two babies to handle, the one who is sick and the other one who is freaking out because the baby won't stop crying and sleep! DH works a ton too, he gets home really late, and while he really does do alot around the house he's not here during waking hours for LO much so that stuff is all on me to do. Good luck, be grateful for all that help, remember you are still figuring out parenthood so go easy on yourself!

sproutmd

Ditto the previous posters, give yourself a break and know that the first year is the roughest. Accept the help and do not feel guilty. You are already grateful, and that is enough. Hang in there and post here, you will start to feel better.

carig63

You daughter will remember getting to spend time with people she loves (mom and dad, grandparents, and friends at daycare), not how messy or clean the house is.

If it helps, my son is almost 11 months and I feel like I'm just now getting a handle on balancing everything. There are up and down days, and sometimes I say "screw it!" and leave a pile of laundry fresh out of the dryer on the couch. But my son is healthy and happy, and we manage to not go to work naked (even if sometimes I'm a little wrinkly or my socks secretly don't match). Relax, and don't sweat the house stuff. I think we get too anxious about having clean homes like we *think* our mothers did. They were overwhelmed too, and probably just don't remember it! Good luck--you're doing great!

EastCoastBride

As already said, it does get easier.  Trust!

I look at DS, at 3.5 years, and I think back to when he was younger and the stuff I miss about those times.  But then in the same thought, I think how much EASIER things are now.  Even from a year ago.  I can go out w/ him to social events and not feel like I have to be on top of him to make sure he isn't falling, or grabbing stuff inappropriately, or not. 

And - my parents take him Wed and Thurs- which usually involves him staying the night Wed night w/ them.  So.... I usually get every Wednesday night "off".  Sometimes I feel guilty, but most of the time- I love it.  DS ADORES his grandparents and I get a night to do whatever it is I (and if DH is home, we) want to do!

azuremama

Hang in there.  I think the first year is always hard, but especially the first six months or so.  It does get easier as everyone else said.  That's awesome that your parents can help out so much.  It's good for your DD to build those relationships, so don't feel bad about it.

What helps me is having routines to fall back on so that stuff gets taken care of. Like I do laundry on a certain day, always grocery shop on Sundays.  DH and I both eat the same thing for lunch most days, so that's easy.  Have a couple of easy dinners you can throw together on a moment's notice.

Some of it you just have to let go for a while and do what you can.  Some weeks, we eat out a lot and that's just what needs to happen to keep my sanity. 

I would talk to your DH about having time where he really shuts down the work, though.  Especially as your DD gets older, she'll realize that he's not paying full attention. 

AnabelsMama

Ditto what all of the pp said.  I am a control and neat freak and I had to learn to let go of a lot once A was born.

One suggestion: you'd be surprised at how much you can do, as a team, in 20-30 minutes.  Tell your DH that you'd like that much time from him a few days a week to just work together and focus on one or two tasks (pick up the living room, clean the kitchen counters, etc.).  Set a timer. You'll feel so accomplished and it isn't asking your DH for much "help," really.