Really struggling this week

PhillyGal34

For some reason this week has been really hard. I keep breaking down crying and can't stop. I don't know what happened other than being in the nicu I'd really wearing on me. I've also been really snippy to people and getting less tolerant of insensitive things even though I know they mean well. ( at least you can sleep, he'll be home before you know it... I'm I've known it since day one thanks) 

 

Any suggestions on how to get past this? Being with him is the only thing that makes me feel better. He's doing awesome and actually just finished his first bottle today!! I just feel like I'm crumbling and I'm usually such a strong person. I feel so helpless that i can't protect him from all of this. I hate this feeling.  

 

Thanks!  

jcsntms06

Oh honey I'm sorry people are being rude with their comments. I hated hearing those comments. I tried to ignore them. And I'm sure your exhausted from being at the NICU all the time.

I got some great advice from the NICU manager the second time around. Try and get at least 5-6 hours of sleep at night (this helped a little bit with my milk supply too).

Hugs! 

kck329

 I remember saying every single thing you wrote. 

Some weeks are really hard. I also think you are in one of the hardest phases. The "he-just-has-to-learn-to-eat-and-gain" phase is exhuasting because you are SO ready to be done. You are past the scariest parts and ready to take your sweet baby home. Spend as much time as you want to/can at the NICU if that's what makes you feel better. I lived at my DD's bedside for that very reason. But that doesn't work for everyone.

Also, this is the phase when you need to be aware that preemie moms often suffer from PTSD and PPD. It can set in later because you have so much trauma at first. You can read my story on the resource blog (https://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/p/ppd-ppa-ptsd.html). If you are really struggling, it is ok to talk to someone about it--your OB, the NICU social worker, or a counselor are all good options.

Anyways, without writing a novel, I'll just say you can feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I remember feeling exactly like this-it was miserable. 

pathfindermon

I can really relate to what your saying.  I'm at a similar stage as you.  My little guy is 3 weeks old today and 34 weeks 4 days gestation.  He started bottles a few days ago.  I have had a rough couple of days also.  I think I'm at the point that it is all sinking in.  Suddenly it is real that my lo is in the NICU.  This is scary!  And I'm so scared to take him home.  I left the hopsital early yesterday and went home and cried.  Then I felt guilty for leaving early.  I just keep focusing on the time when all this is a distant memory.  One of our nurses has a son that was premature and she told me that one day this won't seem like such a big deal.  It's hard to believe now but I'm holding onto that.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you but I wanted you to know that your not alone!

ashk7

I am so sorry but know that you are not alone and what you are going through is completely normal! DD is home now but I feel like at the point she started bottle feeding was when I broke as well. It's like so many preemie moms say the NICU is a marathon not a sprint but once you get to oral feeds I feel like you can see that finish line but you keep getting pulled back. The way I explain it to people now is at that time I feel like my 3 month adrenaline rush was over and I started really feeling things again and was able to truly grasp what LO, DH snd I had been through. So much of your life even before LO's come early are consumed with keeping them in and growing then these miracles come and your life it to keep them safe and growing, but we had to start our journey doing that in a NICU. As far as visiting what helped me was I kept telling myself that LO would be home at whatever time she chose but she was really really going to need me at home, at that time she needed to sleep and grow and she had amazing nurses watching her, so I as her mommy needed to let those people do their job and I needed to do mine and take care of myself for her. I had a routine down and would try(being the key word) to follow that everyday, a few hours in the am and then a few more in the pm. It's so hard but you are doing everything right! Hang in there, but like pp also be aware that NICU mommies are at higher risk for PPD and PTSD. We have been home for 8 weeks now and I am just now dealing with some PTSD. Use all the amazing recourses the NICU has to offer! Good luck momma you can do it!!!!!

 

Sorry for any spelling errors and typos sent from my phone.  

PhillyGal34

Thank you all. It's amazing how alone you can feel even when you are surrounded by people all the time. I feel like no one can understand how a mother feels in a situation like this unless they've been there. Not even my wonderful dh. I am celebrating the birth of my son, mourning the early loss of my pregnancy, scared for his well being, and my own, excited for him to come home .... Scared for him to come home, frustrated with the way this all happened and more in love with my son than I ever imagined.  It's a lot to process. I think you are right that bottle feeding may be part of why this is hitting now. I feel like we are so close but so far too. 

 

My one sil keeps telling me I need to focus on the positive. The other just told me she doesn't know how I'm holding it together and that I can vent to her. I told her the truth about how bad this all sucks. And she said she was actually worried that I wasn't letting myself feel those emotions. My other sil had ppd and I think she's eorried about that but ignoring the negative doesn't make them go away. I feel like I need to put up a front with some people though. 

 Thank you all for taking the time to let me know I'm not alone. I keep describing this as a club you never want to be a member of but are thankful it is there when you need it.  

PhillyGal34

He just finished his second full bottle of the day!!! 

DrRx

I'm really sorry that you're having a hard week.  Like other PPs have said, the end is probably one of the hardest.  We were in for 83 days, and DH and I moved in (at least one of us with her to feed her) for the last week to move things along.  She always finished her bottles for us but not the nurses--easy way to fix that.  It also helped me feel comfortable with what to do if she had any desat episodes, etc.  We spent the last evening/night with her hooked up to the equipment she was going to be going home with, and it really made it a lot easier. 

I also hated the comments.  The one I hated the most was when people said that soon I would forget all about this time.  For me, it made me feel as if they were just trivializing all that I was going through.  This is the kind of experience that changes you.  I'm not saying that I will be sad or upset about it, but there's no way I would ever forget about it.   I was (and still am) a very positive person, but this is by far the hardest thing that I've ever experienced.  I'm glad for this board and finding other people who could relate to what I was going through. 

I'm glad to hear that he's doing well with his bottles! Keep us posted on his progress! 

vsalt31

Stay strong momma!  You're doing great.  Its OK to be sad & emotional.  Just keep your eye on the prize.  Your LO is in the best possible place, getting bigger & stronger so that you'll take him home someday soon.  During our 1 1/2 month stay, I would try to work on things at home to get ready for LO when I wasn't at the NICU or work.  So, I'd do laundry & organize his clothes.  I'd dust his room, get bottles ready, etc.  That really did make me feel better. 
And, one other thing that helped for me was to create a photo blog where I would post 1 pic per day.  When scrolling back through the weeks, it was so easy to see how DS was getting bigger & stronger (something that is hard to see day-by-day).  We use Blogspot & love it.  You can take pics on your phone then email them to an address from your phone & the blog is updated.  It's so easy. Send me a PM if you'd like to see the link.
Lots of ((HUGS)) to you!!!! 

graciousmeg82

I'm totally understanding how you feel mama and I've been there right in Philly having everyone tell me the same exact thing!  The only thing I can tell you is - things WILL get better,  It takes some getting used to.  Get a routine down.  Do you live in the burbs or in CC?  It helped that we "left" the city behind us when our DD was in Jefferson for 2 months.  

 

I hope that your DS will have full feeds from the bottle and do well enough to be released!  That is THEE hardest hurdle in the NICU.  It's no easy breeze so put your seatbelt on and be ready for the bumps...

haziedaze

kck329:

 I remember saying every single thing you wrote. 

Some weeks are really hard. I also think you are in one of the hardest phases. The "he-just-has-to-learn-to-eat-and-gain" phase is exhuasting because you are SO ready to be done. You are past the scariest parts and ready to take your sweet baby home. Spend as much time as you want to/can at the NICU if that's what makes you feel better. I lived at my DD's bedside for that very reason. But that doesn't work for everyone.

Also, this is the phase when you need to be aware that preemie moms often suffer from PTSD and PPD. It can set in later because you have so much trauma at first. You can read my story on the resource blog (https://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/p/ppd-ppa-ptsd.html). If you are really struggling, it is ok to talk to someone about it--your OB, the NICU social worker, or a counselor are all good options.

Anyways, without writing a novel, I'll just say you can feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I remember feeling exactly like this-it was miserable. 

 ITA with all of this! Thanks KCK for putting it all so eloquently. The so close, but so far feeling is TORTURE. I was a nutjob at the end. DH and I starting spending the whole drive home making nasty jokes and saying mean things about the nurses, staff, and even other parents. It was terrible of us, but looking back, it was a survival mechanism. Hoping your LO gets home soon and you find some peace in those sweet NICU snuggles. Thinking about you!