Help! Rules on baby shower for 3rd child, first in this marriage...
rsolsem
member
Ok, here goes:
My brother-in-law (husband's brother) and his wife are expecting and due 4 weeks after me. This SIL has two kids from a previous marriage, ages 12 and 7. This is her 2nd marriage and my BIL's first. She does have a lot of the big stuff still around, but has mentioned the obvious need for a new carseat, feeding chair and small items.
Here are the questions:
1. What is the protocol for this shower? Is it just a family shower with my BIL's aunts/cousins?
2. Am I a horrible person to not want a joint shower? If it was her first and my first, I would be all for it. But, I just feel like she's already had this experience and is more "ready" than me. Be honest....
3. Any other advice for this planning? Things I seem to be overlooking or overthinking?
Re: Help! Rules on baby shower for 3rd child, first in this marriage...
I personally would host a shower if I were someone in BIL's family due to the age gap, and due to it being his first kid. Whom I invited (family or include friends) would depend on how it was done in that particular region/social circle.
And no, you're not a horrible person to want your own shower. I'd sort of side-eye anyone who threw a joint one given the circumstances.
To the question on if I was going to host the shower:
Not necessarily - I just assume I will help facilitate being the "closest" to the SIL in our family. That's the issue, I'm not sure if there's an aunt who will be up for the task on BIL's side of the family.
So it's a seperate shower for her? You don't need to do anything. There is no obligation. If the host asks for your help, you can say yes if you want. But if no one asks, you don't have to do anything.
And if you don't want to go, you actually don't HAVE to go. Entirely up to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Good grief. I totally mis-read #2. Joint. Not join....
Yeah - if someone is suggesting a joint shower, I would decline. For MANY reasons. The biggest being that the guests invited absolutely need to know BOTH of you and would be invited to seperate showers if there were to be seperate showers. No one should be invited who only knows one of you - it puts them on the spot to buy you both gifts.
Even if this means no shower for you, I would say "I'd rather not have a joint shower, bu tthanks for thinking of me".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
An alternate way to head off a joint shower would be to host or help host her shower yourself. In which case, feel free to keep it small.
1. There really is no etiquette protocol for a 3rd-baby shower, because it's just not done. So if you feel like you are the one that should be hosting it, just don't bother. Now if somebody else decides to throw her something, maybe even a co-ed shower, I would maybe let them off th ehook given the fact that it is your brother's first, but still entirely unnecessary. If you feel like SIL is hinting to you to host a shower by mentioning her need for new carseat, etc., I would just ignore that. (Again, unless you really want to host something with your BIL in mind.)
2. No, I wouldn't want that either. If someone offers to throw you guys a joint shower, though, you might be stuck with it unless you just totally decline. But you can't really try to take them up on the shower but then dictate that it's just for you, you know?
3. All in all, I would just stay out of the whole mess. IF someone ends up offering you a shower, just say yes or no and then leave ALL the planning to them. Stress-free!
I think it is fine if someone in BILs family throws a family shower since this is his first and there is a pretty good gap in children's ages. However, I would personally keep it small and family only.
I don't think you are horrible for not wanting a joint shower at all! Like I said above, someone on BILs side (not you or your SIL) can decide if they want to throw her a shower. I am sure someone on your side will offer to throw you a shower since this is your first. But don't throw/plan your own or flames will be thrown on this board.
My MIL had mentioned it - I gave her the impression that was not my preference.
Oh my goodness - would NEVER consider throwing my own - I hope that was never the inclination. Totally ok with not having one, and all of the thoughts on "Meet the Baby" parties just sound great. Might have to throw a New Year's party like that...
Thanks!
I've gone to all out showers for 2nd/4th babies and in the situation you described it was just a few close friends and all of the FTB's family. The MTB did have her mom and sister there...but no aunts, cousins, etc.
No...do not have a joint shower. I wouldn't feel bad about declining a joint shower. I really dislike them in general because rarely rarely do ALL the guests know both MTB's. It gets awkward for the guests...they feel obligated to buy for both even though they don't or hardly know one of them.
If someone offers to host your shower...make it clear that you do not want a joint shower. If that is what they want to do..then decline and host your own "meet the baby party" after the baby is born!
I dont think you should share a shower especially since im sure she has already had a shower in the past. You deserve your own shower.
I am totally against a 2nd shower especially with a registry. Although, since her children are so much older then this new baby I think it could be ok to have a small shower for her. If her youngest was 3 or 4 then definitely not but 7 ans 12 is a big age gap.
Its been 7 years since she's had a LO and its BIL first child? I would think that sil's shower would be small one with immediate family and maybe a couple of really close friends...
I also would NOT want a joined shower...its your first baby, and this is your BIL's wife NOT your sister. My sister or BFF are the only 2 people I'd ever even consider having a joined shower with, and I still probably wouldn't, not for my own sake, but I'd want their shower to be about them and their baby, and I'd feel guilty taking some of the attention LOL.
As for planning, let someone else do it. This day is supposed to be fun and surprises for you, so you shouldn't have to do any planning what-so-ever. Put your 2 cents in on the guestlist, and maybe the food if you know there are special needs with that, but other than that, sit back, relax, and just enjoy it.