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February 2012 Moms
kmhb2010
member
Awkward Question
kmhb2010
member
So, I'm visiting my family and was outside with my DS and my dad last night chatting with his direct next door neighbor. Another neighbor who lives 3 doors down (and who I've never met) came over to see the baby. My dad introduced us and her first question was how old he was. Then her next question was "Are you breastfeeding?" I was caught a bit off guard thinking that is a bit of a personal question to ask someone...especially someone ou just met. My next thought was, "Why does it matter?". I did answer yes, and then she mentioned that she breastfeed her children and started asking me how it was going. My dad was oblivious to the whole conversation, and I'm sure she is nice, but am I the only one who finds this to be a little personal - especially with someone you just met? And I wonder what she would have said if I wasn't breastfeeding - even though it wasn't any of her business. I guess I was caught off guard...it just was weird...or maybe it was me? What do you think?!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Awkward Question
I've had strangers ask. It's never been malicious though. Usually it's an older mom who probably BF, too, and wants to offer support. I feel like there's a bit of comradErie between moms who BF. Its not easy, so I have no problem talking to women who've been there before. Maybe this woman just thought you'd have something in common?
Of course, there are always the asshats out there just looking to start a fight. If thats how the question is posed, I have no problem telling the inquirer where to stick it.
ETA: also on an iPad, one-handing it as I pump. Please forgive my typos.
I'd love to have the balls to tell someone "no we are following the flat diet coke method as suggested by world renowned pedi Dr. Makeupaname"
Just some asshat stupid :-)
hahaha, I love this. Renowned pedi Dr.Pepper, perhaps?
People tend to ask this question alot..I find it strange, I always feel like 1. I am being judged for not BF, even when they dont know the story 2. I feel like they are looking at my boobs when they ask, thinking "then why are your boobs 2-3 sizes bigger than before" I am very uncomfortable with the new big boobs I went from a C to full DD (I refuse to go up a size even though I probably should).
It is very weird when people ask about BF and about the birth "how did it go" "did you tear" Really you want to know the details of my post birth lady parts?
I've had soo many people ask me and I think it's weird. It's mostly been complete strangers in the store, it has happened at least 6 or 7 times.
I often wondered if I have a breastfeeding mom hat on. But I do know that a few strangers who asked commented that DD was sort of hanging on to my breast like these are MINE...LOL! I've only breastfed so I don't know if breastfed babies cling more or not. Also, I get it a lot when I have DD in the moby or other carrier I have, I think they associate babywearing with breastfeeding.
See, here's what bothers me. When we start classifying this as an awkward question, I feel like it just adds to the BFing taboo. No, I don't want to talk about. It's not proper conversation? It's not any of your business? Maybe. But people ask me all the time if I've started LO on solids yet. Is that any different?
I feel like the real concern is FFers, who maybe feel a little defensive when this question is asked. It's simple, though - you shouldn't. You should feel confident about your parenting decisions, confident enough to defend yourself well. Lord knows, my family questioned most of my parenting decisions. But I had my mind made up and I told them simply that this is the way we're doing it, thanks for your opinion but no thanks. If you struggeld to BF before eventually switching to FF, why isn't that something that you can talk about? Maybe if someone had been open enough with you on the topic before you had the baby, you would know that yeah, BFing is hard and not every is lucky enough to be able to keep with it. Also, if you come up with some snarky response to a benign question, IMO, it sounds like you're ashamed of your decision. Even if that's not the case, is that the impression you want to give?
I'm obviously in the minority here, so I won't drag this out. I just think we need to ask ourselves WHY we think it's awkward, and what the effect is on the perception of BFing and FFing.
I get asked this as well, and go back and forth on how I feel about it.
I think it comes down to the asker's intentions. If they are asking because they are genuinely curious, that is one thing. But if they are asking so they can get a holier than thou attitude if you answer FF ? that's something completely different.
And to the PP who said it's no different than asking if your baby is eating solids ? it kind of is. All babies at some point will switch to solids. Not all babies are BF, which can be more of a personal/sensitive topic. Some of my friends who couldn't BF felt extremely guilty about it and felt like they failed. I FF and have never felt guilty about it, because I know it was the best move for my health and family. But I do realize it can be a sensitive subject for some, something that the topic of solids doesn't stir up.
I totally get where you are coming from and breast feeding should be a more widely discussed subject, but coming from complete strangers in public is weird. It's sort of like them asking you if you bedshare, do you believe in spanking or your religious beliefs. I have no problem discussing breastfeeding with family and friends, or if a stranger inquired about it because they are doing it or are considering doing it and looking for support. I had a pregnant mom in babysrus inquire about if I was breastfeeding and I had no problem sharing with her. (Although it was weird because she asked me almost as if she was sure that I was a breastfeeeding mom. I'm not sure how people sense it) I am a proud breastfeeding mom, I NIP when I need to and am happy to share my experience with others, it is my choice as a parent and stand firm in it.
I also think it's weird because it 's just like when we were pregnant, people asked very personal questions that we had never expected or strangers tried to rub our bellies. The world of parenting is new to us and people ask questions that we may have never considered asking others and it is sometimes uncomfortable and just plain weird. Just my 2 cents.
My issue is that I don't want to talk about it. I really wanted to BF and its just a reminder that I couldn't. When I say no, there is always a silent pause from the asker and then I break the silence by explaining why.
Men also have no problem asking, assuming or making reference to it. I was sitting at a table with DS and DH and all of his softball buddies and one of the guys that is having their second soon made the assumption that I BF. I said I wasn't and even though my milk never came in, I said that DS has a milk allergy (which is true). Back story--- I have huge boobs (32G), always have, and went up two sizes through pregnancy. --So the jokester of the group basically says that when DS grows up and all of his friends say how his mom is hot and how lucky he was to well you know "nurse," DS would have to say he was allergic. The whole table started laughing, I was embarrassed at first, but then just rolled with it.
Gah. I said I wouldn't respond, I just wanted to add something else after reading this. I feel like a big reason BFing moms struggle so much is because BFing isn't openly discussed in our society. Those first two weeks I have never felt so alone. But why? Why did I have to feel like I was the only one ever who had struggled with it? Like a failure because it wasn't as easy as I thought it should have been? IMO, it's different than asking about spanking, bedsharing, etc, because new moms need support to BF, but not to do all that other stuff.
And as far as all babies eventually switch to solids but not all babies are BF, yes, you do have a point. However, I think in my mind, the question is usually just pared down from, "are you BFing or FFing?"
I agree, a lot of it depends on the attitude of the asker. But even if that person is going to adopt a holier-than-thou snark, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. I feel like there's a difference between being confident and being defensive, and these conversations always strike me as extremely defensive, which makes me a little sad. Every momma hear made the best decision for her family. Why should anyone ever feel ashamed of that?
I'm sorry if this comes across too stongly - my friend just informed me that I might be on the crazier spectrum of BFing advocacy. I like that we can respectfully discuss these things here without it turning into a battle royale. In my experience, though, these questions are only as awkward as we make them.
Delete... I hate when the Bump does this
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Sorry!
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This. I FF and always feel judged. They never ask "Do you choose to FF or BF?" It's always "Do you BF?" and makes me feel bad. I always feel like I have to explain myself, but I also know I am very sensitive. And yes, I always feel like people are thinking about my boobs when they ask as well ha ha...
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I don't mind your response! I love that we can respectfully have an open forum about differing opinions!!
And yes breastfeeding does need to be discussed because it can be a lonely road to travel. For me no one in my family had breastfed and they all seemed a bit intrigued that I decided to do so. I'm also African-American and breastfeeding doesn't seem to be as popular among African-American women, especially young women (I'm 25). Thankfully I have an awesome best friend who breastfed her son , you awesome Feb 2012 mama's, and a very pro-BFing pedi.
And to Bartaroind:
When I brought DD around my family my cousins and SIL's first question was what kind of formula she was on and when I responded that I was breastfeeding they had a weird look on their faces. Even now my family asks if I'm still breastfeeding or do I give formula since I have returned to work and they are even more surprised when I say I am still EBF. Sometimes I feel like they are asking because they all expect me to quit, which only gives me more motivation to continue on. But, it may be that they are just genuinely interested and I am defensive about my decision to not FF, just as other mom's are defensive about their decision to not BF. I don't think people judge us one way or another, I think their questions just tap into our own insecurities and we perceive them as judgmental.
But there is nothing wrong with FF if that is what is best for you and your family you should stand firm in your decision and never feel like you owe anyone an explanation!
Well put.
ETA: I love the Eleanore Roosevelt quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I feel like it applies here.
I also think it depends on how you grew up/where you live.
I live in a very pro-BFing area, where that is the norm ? so I feel like the odd duck. But I know there are plenty of other places out there where you'll get the side eye for BFing.
On a slightly random note, I decided to stop explaining why I FF (unless someone asks). Several weeks ago, I noticed that I always did that and thought it made me sound like I had to justify my decision to strangers. I haven't explained myself in 2 weeks, and I'm proud of that.
This is exactly what I was thinking. The area I live in can be very crunchy-granola (not that all people who bf are this way, but it's extremely trendy here) to the point of being competitive about it. If you don't have a "natural" birth, en-capsule/eat your placenta, bf, use cloth diapers, and all around go green, you must be lazy.
Totally agree that the realities of bf need to be talked about more- both sides of it. I really had no clue my milk may not ever come in, even after trying everything. I was aware of how it could be a long/difficult process (well, as aware as you can be before going through it), but I got the impression that if I stuck with it long enough, it'd work out. Total fail. Although, the more I talked to my actually friends about, the more I learned/got support about not being able to bf.
It doesn't always bother me when people ask, but I would never ask someone. Nor would I ask them how they conceived, if they chose/had to use pain meds, or if I can kiss their baby's feet while in the supermarket line.
For some reason people lose all boundaries when it comes to babies and puppies...anyone else notice this???
I agree with you, good point. I think it is because I really wanted to BF and I am sensitive myself about the issue. And it is funny because before and after I had DS I would never judge other people or care which they decided to do... so I don't know why I feel they judge me!
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I think it feels awkward to many people because for a lot of society BFing is kind of taboo...I don't know. Like we need to "hid it" and all. I BF both of my boys. With DS1 I was all about using covers, not talking about it, going to other rooms/in bathrooms to feed, etc. It felt weird for some people to ask me about BFing
This time around with DS2 I feed anywhere, talk about it with everyone, no covers etc. Every time I have had someone ask me if I am BFing it is usually in support of what I am doing. I get the impression people think more people are FFing than BFIng and maybe that is why they ask? I don't know that if that is true or not...I just get that impression. It doesn't bother me now when people ask and I am game to talk about it with anyone.