Rainbow Pregnancy Talk

Petunia844

Hi Ladies,

I hope nobody minds I post this on here... today is a weird day for me in this pregnancy... it's "v-day."  You see these "OMG I'm at V-day posts!!" all over the PGAL board, and I just don't relate... but I can't explain why on there because I hate to burst the bubble of those moms.  V-day honestly makes me a little angry, not the day itself, but how everyone makes such a big deal about it. I remember in my last pregnancy how much comfort I got from it... I thought, "ok, even if he had to come now I could still take my baby home."  I feel like I was betrayed by v-day... I'm sure you can understand this right?  Hopefully I'm not crazy... I understand that it's a good thing, I'm grateful to be at this point in my rainbow pregnancy... but all of the AW posts about it on PGAL just rub me the wrong way.

Then I started thinking how so many milestones that early loss moms get to celebrate mean nothing to me.  Getting out of the first trimester, v-day, even 35-35 doesn't apply.  My loss was earlier than 35 weeks, so it will be a big deal to me to get to that point... but I will also be absolutely terrified by then.  I know that celebrating milestones are not what is important in pregnancy, and I have lots of my own milestones to pass (related to pre-e and to his death)... it's just hard when you find yourself jealous of even an early loss mom for getting to celebrate and take comfort in these days... yet there's no comfort to be found in them for us.  Sorry... just a pitty party I guess.  I woke from a dream this morning where I was sobbing over my sweet boy, I guess it just started my mood off a bit somber.

Heatherhah

Petunia- I totally agree. i don't think any of the milestones will ever make me happy. I will only be happy when this baby is home with me and we are seeing this baby interact with us. Then I will celebrate, with losing Sydney at 38wks 4 days there is no milestone I can celebrate because she should of been here with us.

This sucks. I mean I am so blessed to be pregnant again but man it sure is tough on your mind and your heart. I am a mess and I am only 15 weeks. How am I going to be at 35wks I can't begin to imagine. The stress will be terrible. I really wish I was 35 wks tobe that closer to having this baby so I could maybe be one step closer to having my rainbow.

Either way congrats on being 24 wks. I think of you often !!

Heather

Petunia844

Heatherhah:

I am a mess and I am only 15 weeks. How am I going to be at 35wks I can't begin to imagine. The stress will be terrible. I really wish I was 35 wks tobe that closer to having this baby so I could maybe be one step closer to having my rainbow.

For what it's worth, I remember when Johnny'sJune hit 24 weeks and I was only about as far along as you and it all seemed so far away... but now here we are, me at 24 and you at 15 and her with her beautiful Emma in her arms... so I'm hoping it will just fly by.  A girl can dream right?

Heatherhah

I totally agree I mean it is going by quicker than I thought but man sometimes not fast enough if you know what I mean.

nuttycoconut

I'm sorry I didn't realize how frustrating that would sound to those who have already made it past v-day with their angel babies. I guess it must be similar to how I feel when people are excited to be out of the first tri and into the "safe zone" that doesn't exist for me. That being said, I do wish Max and Molly had been 24 weeks so that the doctors would have at least tried to save them. Instead I went through labor knowing they would die. But maybe it would have felt worse if they had the same outcome...Happy v day to you Petunia...I guess it's not much of a comfort to you since we've all lost our innocence and have been on the crappy side of the statistics. But you have to agree, it's nice to know that if Raylan wanted to meet you super early, the doctors would attempt to save him. (((hugs)))

Mrs Nice

I know exactly what you are talking about! The further along I got with my pregnancy the more scared I got, and the more intense the dreams got. Even tho I lost Ian due to a cord accident, I had crazy nightmares about everything that could go wrong. It was always different, but for the most part about PTL. Being Pg after a late loss, we don't get to relax untill your rainbow is in your arms. Even then it doesnt seem real that you will get to keep your rainbow. It is a curse but also a blessing. We are scared sh!tless but we know not to take even one second for granted. You are a wonderful momma and I will pray these last weeks go by quickly for you!

Petunia844

nuttycoconut:

I'm sorry I didn't realize how frustrating that would sound to those who have already made it past v-day with their angel babies. I guess it must be similar to how I feel when people are excited to be out of the first tri and into the "safe zone" that doesn't exist for me. That being said, I do wish Max and Molly had been 24 weeks so that the doctors would have at least tried to save them. Instead I went through labor knowing they would die. But maybe it would have felt worse if they had the same outcome...Happy v day to you Petunia...I guess it's not much of a comfort to you since we've all lost our innocence and have been on the crappy side of the statistics. But you have to agree, it's nice to know that if Raylan wanted to meet you super early, the doctors would attempt to save him. (((hugs)))

I am grateful, especially as someone now considered higher risk for pre-e I know it's important to reach this milestone.  I just wish I could believe in its safety like everyone else, but just like so many others... I know it's not a promise, just one more step in the right direction.

sloannmark

When I was in the hospital, I wished more than anything that we were at v-day, because the doctors kept saying it might be a different story if we were further along, but after being part of this board for the past month, I don't think I'd ever feel like I'm in a safe zone which sucks. Then again, I thought being in my second tri-mester was "safe"...

pottermommy

Oh sweety I know I held Kam in my arms for nearly two years but I get it. 

No milestone..Age anything will ever take away my fear of losing Gabriel.  After all Kamryn was here and then like that she was gone. 

It is alright to feel envious of a security you don't have, just remember that Vday is in iself a very big deal especially for you.  You did not know you had Pre E you did not know what to look for, your Dr was not monitoring it...Things happened way to quickly and way to out of the blue with Peyton.

Now they are watching and monitoring and at drop of a hat they can get you and Raylan into safety and now that he is 24 weeks he at the very very least has a chance.  Before today there wouldn't have been much of one right?  But now there is.

I try and remember that just by being here Gabriel has a huge chance to live out his childhood, for me to see him grow up, but my PAL self knows it isn't guaranteed and that babies do die, but because he is here he has a huge chance to LIVE.

Because you are at VDAY your little boy has a chance to smile at you and to let you soothe his tears.  I know that the fear is always there and that no words will make it go away but having hope at a chance is better than resigning yourself to no hope at all.

I really really care about you so much and I hope that one of these days milestone or not you will feel that kick and all of a sudden some of the fear will slip away, I know it is highly unlikely but....I have HOPE in spades!

drvst8

I agree with you Petunia. Everyday is so scary. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and one appt at a time. Losing Logan at 40 weeks and 2 days means I will never feel safe again. Not this time around and definitely not the next time either if we decide to do all of this again. Right now I'm struggling with the idea of redoing the nursery. I got a new crib set...and some paint samples but I cry everytime I think about painting. It just makes me so sad. So that is my next milestone...

Petunia844

drvst8:

I agree with you Petunia. Everyday is so scary. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and one appt at a time. Losing Logan at 40 weeks and 2 days means I will never feel safe again. Not this time around and definitely not the next time either if we decide to do all of this again. Right now I'm struggling with the idea of redoing the nursery. I got a new crib set...and some paint samples but I cry everytime I think about painting. It just makes me so sad. So that is my next milestone...

Totally feel you on this one.  We haven't touched the nursery yet.  I have done a few new paintings for it and just started working on a big canvas with his name on it... but haven't moved the furniture, haven't unpacked anything.  We decided we'd start on it 3rd tri, but now that's only 3 weeks away.  We aren't repainting, I couldn't bring myself to do it, and because we're having another boy it wasn't really necessary.  We're  doing other things to change it- moving furniture around, putting in different artwork... that kind of thing.  I know the hardest thing will be unpacking all of Peyton's things and deciding what he will pass on to his brother and what will stay his forever.  It's something a mother and father shouldn't have to do.  I just want to keep the room for both of them, I want it to be clear that this was a room passed down from brother to brother.

johnnys june

Honestly, passing even the biggest milestone (25 weeks 2 days for me) seems so minute.  It didn't matter.  I passed 25 weeks, but anything short of having her in my arms with no NICU time would NOT be good enough...25, 29, even 34 weeks.  Then I had her.  Can I say, I balled -- complete melt down, snotty cry balled on the way home from the hospital.  I couldn't believe she was real for one...but not only that...the last time I left a hospital of a birth I left without my son.  11 days later I left without ever having my son again.  I watched him, saw him, touched his skin...I watched him grow in that little incubator for 11 days...and he was past v-day.  A week past v-day.  And he still didn't come home.  Having Emma home is surreal.  I can't get enough of her skin, her hair, her nose, her toes.  I have to remind myself that she's real because the truth is...I'll always be afraid she isn't mine to keep.  Deep down, in the darkest parts of my heart, that fear will ALWAYS grip me.  Milestones are nothing really.  They are something to be acknowledged, one more thing to be positive about.  But your feelings of anger, jealousy, whatever it may be are all valid.  You were so close to having your son in your arms...so very close...and it never happened.  For now, I'm enjoying my little girl, celebrating the fact that she did come home with me.  But now I have a completely different level of grief to tackle.  I have to navigate my way through both grief and joy and figure out how the two will mingle and collide within my own heart and mind.

*hugs* 

johnnys june

Petunia844:

Heatherhah:

I am a mess and I am only 15 weeks. How am I going to be at 35wks I can't begin to imagine. The stress will be terrible. I really wish I was 35 wks tobe that closer to having this baby so I could maybe be one step closer to having my rainbow.

For what it's worth, I remember when Johnny'sJune hit 24 weeks and I was only about as far along as you and it all seemed so far away... but now here we are, me at 24 and you at 15 and her with her beautiful Emma in her arms... so I'm hoping it will just fly by.  A girl can dream right?

Girls, when you get there (and you WILL GET THERE), you'll look back and think "why, that went by quickly" and yet you will always, always, always feel that it took "forever" at the same time!  Time really is flying.  I'm so excited for you both.  The reason why it seems "forever" is because our journeys are just 9 months long.  Mine was 2 long years....pregnant for 7 months, TTCAL for 1 year, and then pregnant another 9 months.  I got pregnant in June of 2010, I have my "take home baby" June of 2012.  It's totally understandable.  But trust me, you'll get there.  Time is something we put emphasis on because we're human...but we all know that time really doesn't "exist."  One day at a time.   

drvst8

Petunia844:

drvst8:

I agree with you Petunia. Everyday is so scary. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and one appt at a time. Losing Logan at 40 weeks and 2 days means I will never feel safe again. Not this time around and definitely not the next time either if we decide to do all of this again. Right now I'm struggling with the idea of redoing the nursery. I got a new crib set...and some paint samples but I cry everytime I think about painting. It just makes me so sad. So that is my next milestone...

Totally feel you on this one.  We haven't touched the nursery yet.  I have done a few new paintings for it and just started working on a big canvas with his name on it... but haven't moved the furniture, haven't unpacked anything.  We decided we'd start on it 3rd tri, but now that's only 3 weeks away.  We aren't repainting, I couldn't bring myself to do it, and because we're having another boy it wasn't really necessary.  We're  doing other things to change it- moving furniture around, putting in different artwork... that kind of thing.  I know the hardest thing will be unpacking all of Peyton's things and deciding what he will pass on to his brother and what will stay his forever.  It's something a mother and father shouldn't have to do.  I just want to keep the room for both of them, I want it to be clear that this was a room passed down from brother to brother.

We haven't touched his room yet either...I didn't even unpack his bag yet. I just can't bring myself to do it. We decided that it wouldn't be fair to baby girl if we left everything the same. So we decided to only paint the top. We have a chair rail in the nursery so we are going to let the brown color stay on the bottom for Logan and paint the top a purple color for baby girl.  Its still so hard. Plus I know I will have to clean out his dressers soon and I just don't think I can do it. Everything about this sucks. I love that I'm pregnant again and so grateful to be having a little girl but doing it while i'm still greiving is so much harder.

AmyG2b

I get it. Ellie was born at 39w6d. Statistics will mean nothing to me from now on, and I won't feel ok until I'm leaving the hospital with my future child, if then...

Getting pregnant has already taken away a lot of pain and envy I've felt, but I'm still bitter that my innocence is lost and it seems so easy and blissful for others. 

Carolee

AmyG2b:

I get it. Ellie was born at 39w6d. Statistics will mean nothing to me from now on, and I won't feel ok until I'm leaving the hospital with my future child, if then...

Getting pregnant has already taken away a lot of pain and envy I've felt, but I'm still bitter that my innocence is lost and it seems so easy and blissful for others. 

This is exactly how I feel.  I don't feel like I'll ever reach a milestone that helps ease my anxiety either.  I will worry until I have this baby safe in my arms, and I'm sure I'll continue to worry after that!  I think a lot about how much has been taken from us all - not only our children, but for me I feel like the chance to actually enjoy and be excited about being pregnant is gone.  That makes me really sad.

eroplane

All this. And after delivering at 23w5d and seeing what a battle it is for preemies in NICU, I don't think I will be sane until I am holding my child in my arms far, far away from the hospital. Sorry if this is a pessimistic post but I had no idea what a 24 week baby faced. Unfortunately I do now. I always thought 24 weeks was such a milestone too, sadly now my opinion has changed

Best wishes for a happy and healthy rest of pregnancy.  

MeggM1

I'm glad you posted this.  I lurk on PGAL but I haven't brought myself to do an introduction yet, because I still feel like I don't belong for some reason.  If a post wasn't written by someone I recognize from lurking here, I usually don't read it.  I just feel kind of adrift.  I haven't even looked at my montly board since getting my BFP and I don't know how to jump into PGAL.  I really relate to what someone posted below about wishing there was a "PGA-late/neonatal loss" board, but I understand that's a lot of divided boards. 

Anyway, I just agree with everything you wrote.  I don't know if I'm even looking forward to getting past my 32 week milestone - I cringe when my friends get there, partly because I'm scared for them and partly because I'm envious.  And I don't think I could celebrate "viability" when I know the pain of a NICU stay and saw my daughter surrounded by micro preemies in Level III.  This is rough, y'all. 

ffsam31

wow, I didnt realize we were so close in EDD's.  I just turned 24w on Monday, and our due date is Oct 14th.  When is your due date?  I understand waking up from those bad dreams and having them start your day off just miserable - I have nightmares quite often still, and they seem to be getting more vivid.  Best of luck to you and keep your chin up !

Petunia844

ffsam31:

wow, I didnt realize we were so close in EDD's.  I just turned 24w on Monday, and our due date is Oct 14th.  When is your due date?  I understand waking up from those bad dreams and having them start your day off just miserable - I have nightmares quite often still, and they seem to be getting more vivid.  Best of luck to you and keep your chin up !

Yes, we are super close in EED's, I think my actual due date is the 13th, but I will be induced somewhere between 37-38 if I'm lucky enough to get that far with no pre-e or PIH issues... so really we're having a september baby.    Best of luck to you too!

littlepenguin2012

I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, but I feel the same way.  Lucian was past V-day by a bit at 30 weeks, enough that the dr.'s were so confident he would be okay and kept telling us his odds were so good to have no problems, much less survive.  Yeah, the whole thing is pretty crappy.

weddedwife

I can relate. Passing the 1st Tri milestone last time felt so safe, but now I know it's not. Hopefully I will get past my milestone; hopefully I will make it full term. But even if I do I will never feel safe. I know from all the stories on this board all the awful ways that babies can die. I kno that my loss doesn't exclude me from having other types of losses.