Inspired by a "Why tell BM?" response...

o_so_in_love

When do you believe a stepchild is old enough to share news of a new family addition? Or should it always be the responsibility of the parents to do the communicating?

bdbelladonna

i personally think its none of their business. its my body and my family. but then again my ex could get remarried and have a dozen kids and i wouldnt care.

karleegirl

Last year my ds(16 at the time) told his dad I was pregnant. I didn't mean for ds to find out so soon. I would have shared it with bd/sm myself if I could have. Even at 16 ds had some issues with the pregnancy. So having his bd and sm in the loop was helpful FOR DS!! It wasn't about me..bd..or sm. And for the record bd was very helpful in helping him work out his feelings.

Littlejen22

bdbelladonna:

i personally think its none of their business. its my body and my family. but then again my ex could get remarried and have a dozen kids and i wouldnt care.

So of your kid is scared that Dad is replacing him you have no reaction and do not think it would be right for him to tell you so you can support your son?  Many people think it is the polite thing to do and not because the other parent might be hurt but because it affects their child.  

bdbelladonna

i believe it is my responsibility to my children to be there for them to talk and to make sure they know they can come to me with anything including their feelings regarding their biological father. other to the take care of the kids when he has them and to pay his child support on time, my ex has no responsibility to me. if he had been willing to attempt to remain friends i might view it differently but my life is my business unless i do something to put the kids in danger

Nineoceans

Honestly I look at siblings as the biggest gift parents can give kids. When SS says "your baby" I correct him and say "he's your baby brother too" we just frame everything very positively and he has no questions and sees it as an addition not a threat. Nothing will change for him he still gets his own big room and life goes on with an addition.

For us telling Bm would have just been drama. By not telling her I felt like we were minimizing it and just making it another fact of life versus something life changing that could affect her. The less we tell her about our lives the more amicable things tend to stay. There was a long point in time where she and dh were Facebook friends and friends in general but she went off the deep end (drugs and other issues) and now it's best for us to keep a happy, healthy distance. 

SS told her himself he is almost 8. It worked for us 

J+R

My SD is 17 years old... we do not communicate with BM.  Also, personally - I feel that it is none of BM's business if I were to get pregnant, any progress/regression of my leukemia, etc.

SWmama

We told BM first and then told SS and his first reaction was "I gotta tell my mom!" (We told him that I was pg and that meant that he was going to be a big brother). 

So she was nice enough to play along like it was a surprise. But everyone is mostly a fairly reasonable individual.

I also felt like I wanted her to know because she is a part of our lives. Not in a huge way like SS, or our families of origin. It was kinda like that checklist of people you tell: work, OB-GYN, BM.   

wwnbw

bdbelladonna:

i personally think its none of their business. its my body and my family. but then again my ex could get remarried and have a dozen kids and i wouldnt care.

This is how I feel. I understand why some tell but I wouldn't.

My SS was 2 when he told us his mom was having a baby. He was 4 when he told BM we were having a baby. He didn't say "hey mom is having a baby" he just started talking about it one day.

My other SS was 11 when he told BM about our baby and was 12 when he told us about BM having a baby.

lmpdjc

I'm a BM with full physical custody of my DD.  When she was 14 and I got pregnant, she told her dad.  I don't have any reason to include him in my life in that way.  When BF and his now wife got ktfu the first time, he told me, but he kind of had to, since we were still married.  I learned about subsequent babies of theirs from my DD.

Saran

We have a great relationship with BM but if I tell her I'm pregnant, it's a privilage not a right because in reality it's none of her business. We've always just let the kids tell her.

BTW- she came to the door to pick up the kids and when I opened the door, she said, "OMG, look at you're belly! You've got a 10 pounder in there!" I thought to myself, shut up biiiiitch! You dont know what I got in here! I wanted to kick her teeth in

JonesBaby0624

I think it is based completely on your relationship with your ex.  If you have a hostile relationship or bad feelings toward them you won't care if they know.  If you have a co-parenting relationship with them it makes sense for them to know asap. My ex/ ds dad was very excited for us and looks at it as an opportunity for more time with DS, when the baby arrives that is.

kali55

We told SDs first and then shot off a text to BM before they returned to her place with a heads up

Nayna1mom

bdbelladonna:

i personally think its none of their business. its my body and my family. but then again my ex could get remarried and have a dozen kids and i wouldnt care.

 

THIS! 

Holly_1007

 

When I got pregnant with DS, SD was 3, I told BM when dropping SD off one day.

When SD was 3.5, BM got KTFU and left it up to SD to tell us.

SD just turned 6. we left it up to her to tell BM/SF that we are pregnant again.  We then saw BM at SD's graduation and I was clearly showing. 

 

mmmmmriley

It's none of BM's business as far as I'm concerned. She'll find out when her child support gets reduced due to DH having another biological child to be financially responsible for

Unfortunately ours already knows.  We told both SD about the upcoming baby and they're so super excited about it. They immediately told their mom and now I'm afraid she's going to tell them that kind of crap like "they won't love you as much, they'll love the baby more, you won't get to do any more fun stuff with a baby around" and junk like that.

As for right now the kids couldn't be happier, but i'm sure she'll turn them against the new baby because she told my DH when they were getting divorced that if he had another child she would kill him.  She on the other hand was snipped during the last c-section by her own choice and has been bitter towards him since

karleegirl

GBabyMom:

I think it is based completely on your relationship with your ex.  If you have a hostile relationship or bad feelings toward them you won't care if they know.  If you have a co-parenting relationship with them it makes sense for them to know asap. My ex/ ds dad was very excited for us and looks at it as an opportunity for more time with DS, when the baby arrives that is.

well said!

Libramom2b

mmmmmriley:

It's none of BM's business as far as I'm concerned. She'll find out when her child support gets reduced due to DH having another biological child to be financially responsible for

Unfortunately ours already knows.  We told both SD about the upcoming baby and they're so super excited about it. They immediately told their mom and now I'm afraid she's going to tell them that kind of crap like "they won't love you as much, they'll love the baby more, you won't get to do any more fun stuff with a baby around" and junk like that.

As for right now the kids couldn't be happier, but i'm sure she'll turn them against the new baby because she told my DH when they were getting divorced that if he had another child she would kill him.  She on the other hand was snipped during the last c-section by her own choice and has been bitter towards him since

Say what? Pretty sure this isn't how it happens, but nice outlook. Geez.