Why tell BM?

sweetwalks

I'm just asking for curiosity sake. DH and I don't know when we will have children together but why do people tell BM or BD they are expecting? My mom never told my dad and step-mom she was expecting. I wouldn't expect BM to tell either of us, I'm sure SS would mention it at some point, but I don't see either of us being blindsided or feeling like BM should have been the one to tell us. 

 

Can someone explain this to me? And I'm not intentionally being snarky or rude at the last post. Just genuinely curious!  

xmaryrickx

I think bc it's huge life change that is impacting the kids. It may cause the child anxiety, concerns about being replaced, they may act out, become withdrawn. Etc. it's so everyone can be prepared and above that it's commons courtesy.

wwnbw

Yes what PP and also so if BM is going to go BSC about she can first hear it without the kids around.

Each BF is dfferent and in our case both BM's never told us and we never told them.

Cheerilee

We have SS 100% of the time and really had no reason to tell her. However, if we just suddenly had a baby it could cause drama. She claims DH never tells her anything about his personal life (he doesn't) while she tells him everything (for attention). If we can do something small to avoid drama, we do. If she's happy, she doesn't interfere or stir crap.

sweetwalks

wwnbw:

Yes what PP and also so if BM is going to go BSC about she can first hear it without the kids around.

Each BF is dfferent and in our case both BM's never told us and we never told them.

 I guess I could see where if you had a BSC BM you should tell them if you felt it would harm your SC not to. Although if she's that crazy over her exes life there isn't much that would change that, so I probably still wouldn't bother. 

I suppose it's definitely a case by case thing.  

o_so_in_love

wwnbw:

Yes what PP and also so if BM is going to go BSC about she can first hear it without the kids around.

 

I agree with PPs about sharing if it affects the children's lives.  Also I agree with this ^ .  These are our reasons.  If SD was older, like halfway into her teen years then maybe I woudn't think about it much.  Or if we had primary custody.

Nineoceans

If the BM is particularly psycho then you'd want to tell her so she can decompress and not have an outburst in front of your SK. We chose not to tell BM because we knew SS was happy and well adjusted with the news and we have such a distant relationship with BM these days that it's pretty much irrelevant to her life. We felt like SS was old enough that it could be his news if he wanted to share. Dh said when she found out all she asked about was the sex, her reaction was otherwise pretty muted.

Littlejen22

xmaryrickx:

I think bc it's huge life change that is impacting the kids. It may cause the child anxiety, concerns about being replaced, they may act out, become withdrawn. Etc. it's so everyone can be prepared and above that it's commons courtesy.

This, it there is a major life change going on with a kid their parent has a right to know.  And sometimes it affects the BM, like I'd visitation gets affected.  

Holly_1007

Nineoceans:

If the BM is particularly psycho then you'd want to tell her so she can decompress and not have an outburst in front of your SK. We chose not to tell BM because we knew SS was happy and well adjusted with the news and we have such a distant relationship with BM these days that it's pretty much irrelevant to her life. We felt like SS was old enough that it could be his news if he wanted to share. Dh said when she found out all she asked about was the sex, her reaction was otherwise pretty muted.

this applies to us as well... although our BM is BSC, not when it comes to stuff with DH/our family.  we also were threatened with a no contact order from BM and were at the time only communicating through our attorneys.  not worth $250/hour for our attorney to announce our pregnancy, we just left it up to SD to tell her.  then we saw her at SD's kindergarten graduation when I was about 5 months, and clearly showing...

sweetwalks

Littlejen22:

xmaryrickx:

I think bc it's huge life change that is impacting the kids. It may cause the child anxiety, concerns about being replaced, they may act out, become withdrawn. Etc. it's so everyone can be prepared and above that it's commons courtesy.

This, it there is a major life change going on with a kid their parent has a right to know.  And sometimes it affects the BM, like I'd visitation gets affected.  

 I get everyone's points, but I don't see how telling BM 2 days before SK goes home will much affect her response in front of him if she's that's BSC. And, when DH and O have kids together I don't see it affecting visitation.

 I guess I just see things differently. I don't see how a lot of things are the other parents business. BM didn't tell us when she decided to move her bf in, that's a major life change, and I didn't feel like DH had a "right" to know. It would have been but that's her decision and her life. Moving? Especially long distances, sure, because the parent needs to know where their child is, but babies and boyfriends? Not so much.  

fellesferie

I told XH because:

- DS might mention it or have questions, and giving him a head's up is the courteous thing to do.

- I knew I wanted DS to be with me when DD was born, and I asked for his flexibility in scheduling that.

- Even though we are divorced, it still affects XH because it affects his child. 

bdbelladonna

i've never understood tell the BM or BD. and for every lawyer i've spoken to i was told not to go into details of my life with my ex since we are not on exactly friendly terms. i did ignore this advice at first but after the ex's reactions to big news in my life I dont speak to him anymore unless there is something i feel he needs to know specifically about the kids

sweetwalks

fellesferie:

I told XH because:

- DS might mention it or have questions, and giving him a head's up is the courteous thing to do.

- I knew I wanted DS to be with me when DD was born, and I asked for his flexibility in scheduling that.

- Even though we are divorced, it still affects XH because it affects his child. 

Yes, courteous I get. I can definitely see sharing certain things because it's the polite thing to do. I don't get BM's or BD's having a "right" to know. If we told SS and he freaked out, if he was older, cried, etc. sure, tell BM let her know so she will have a heads up. If he's excited, I don't see the point.

Wanting them there, sure I can definitely see that, but I think that would be something that could wait until later not the weekend you plan on telling SK.

And, I can see how it could affect the child, but I don't think it always does. I think it's a case by case situation. 

mrssmw

DH and I don't plan on telling BM. I agree with the other posters that it's none of her business. She doesn't discuss her personal life with DH and DH doesn't discuss his with her. BM and me are cordial but DH deals with her not me. We are going to tell SS7 and SS14 when I'm 16 weeks. DH has primary custody she only sees them 2-3 times a month. She'll find out if skids mention it to her or if I announce it on facebook the same way she does DH. They been asking for a little brother or sister so I think they will be happy to hear l'm pregnant.

karatechrissy

SS was so excited to tell BM about the first one. He told her on a pick up day. DH was there just to answer any questions, but we wouldn't have said anything. Second pregnancy I had no intension of any of us telling her. Around 22 weeks we were at her brothers birthday dinner (we are close w her family, whole other post as to the circumstances...) and as we were leaving her dad said something about it and BM looked at me wide eyed and said 'you are pregnant AGAIN?!?' but quickly tried to compose herself. I had already seen the shock/horror though. (my dd was only 6 months old at the time and I was already that far pregnant. Lol). She had been trying to get pregnant since she heard the news of my first pregnancy. Her brother lived w her and her husband at the time and later told us she went home and cried for hours and screamed how it was so unfair... That's why I didn't want to tell her in te first place. It's all about your BF dynamic. 

Nayna1mom

We didn't tell BM either, I really don't see the point because for one, she just came back into my SK's lives just a month ago.  She's been absent for two years, (BSC/Drug addict/criminal, still is) and only sees them twice a month, supervised. The first time my SK's went to visit, my SS come home and told us that BM told him she was pregnant(btw, it's between 3 men), and then he proceeded to tell her his mama (me) was pregnant too.  She asked tons of questions, still does but he pretty much ignores them.  So, I completely see your point.  It's none of their business and my kids are well overly happy and that's all that matters!

odear

sweetwalks:

Littlejen22:

xmaryrickx:

I think bc it's huge life change that is impacting the kids. It may cause the child anxiety, concerns about being replaced, they may act out, become withdrawn. Etc. it's so everyone can be prepared and above that it's commons courtesy.

This, it there is a major life change going on with a kid their parent has a right to know.  And sometimes it affects the BM, like I'd visitation gets affected.  

 I get everyone's points, but I don't see how telling BM 2 days before SK goes home will much affect her response in front of him if she's that's BSC. And, when DH and O have kids together I don't see it affecting visitation.

 I guess I just see things differently. I don't see how a lot of things are the other parents business. BM didn't tell us when she decided to move her bf in, that's a major life change, and I didn't feel like DH had a "right" to know. It would have been but that's her decision and her life. Moving? Especially long distances, sure, because the parent needs to know where their child is, but babies and boyfriends? Not so much.  

I was agreeing with you until the bolded.  Damn right DH has a right to know who is living with his child.  We have the basic, standard order in TX and that is part of the custody order.  Changes in living situation need to be communicated to the other parent, in writing.

BM never told us she was pregnant with her last 2.  No big deal.  But if her boyfriend were to move in?  Hell yes she better tell us.  DH absolutley has that right to know.

bellre

We told BM because if we hadn't my youngest SD would have and BM would have flipped her lid hearing it from her and I wanted to avoid putting SD in that position. We see BM during the school year a few days out of the week and even though she would have figured it out eventually, I didn't feel the need to hide it from her.

TheBuddha

-auntie-:

Because there's nothing like a new baby who's going to live with daddy or mommy  fulltime to make a kid feel really insecure. As co-parents, both parties owe their other parenting partner a heads up around any choice they make which could impact the child they have together.

This all depends on who the "parenting partner" is. DH and BM are not really parenting partners. SS9 lives with us and every decision DH makes BM disagrees with. She pays zero child support. Therefore DH and I parent SS. DH never felt the need to tell BM about either of our pregnancies. She found out when SS told her.

I see nothing wrong with keeping your pregnancy to yourself.  

TheBuddha

-auntie-:

Because there's nothing like a new baby who's going to live with daddy or mommy  fulltime to make a kid feel really insecure. As co-parents, both parties owe their other parenting partner a heads up around any choice they make which could impact the child they have together.

This all depends on who the "parenting partner" is. DH and BM are not really parenting partners. SS9 lives with us and every decision DH makes BM disagrees with. She pays zero child support. Therefore DH and I parent SS. DH never felt the need to tell BM about either of our pregnancies. She found out when SS told her.

I see nothing wrong with keeping your pregnancy to yourself.  

dmndsr4eva

I think it depends on the child's age.  In my case my FSD's were teenagers so we told them and they told their mom.  They were to the age that they could communicate with her and communicate their feelings on the subject to their parents.  There was no reason for us to have a conversation with her.

I think if the children are really young then a "heads up" might be a good idea.  Like other posters said it would help the other parent help the child work through their feelings with this new major development in their lives.

lax15bsu

I'm going to go with some PPs and say this is a case by case decision.

We told BM we were pregnant right away both times.  But we have a very well adjusted blended family.  In fact, I call BM one of my best friends.  So she was genuinely happy and excited for us.  

Libramom2b

So I'm coming in way late to this, but I am shocked about how many people are responding "it's none of her business". How is it none of her business if you share a child together? The child is going to have a sibling and major life changes. This is something that absolutely be shared and is more BSC is my opinion not to share. Also love the many "if you have a BSC BM". You do realize your DH's were with that BSC person long enough to procreate with them right?

hopecounts

As a kid from a blended family can I ask you to PLEASE handle telling the other parent news like this.

It completely sucks to be the kid in this situation when you know One parent doesn't know and you are forced to tell them when they ask questions because your other parent doesn't step up and handle it.

it puts the us kids in the middle of adult issues and it's really miserable.