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Blended Families
o_so_in_love
member
When to tell BM about our PG (ramblings of my brain, long)
o_so_in_love
member
Last year we had a m/c just a few days before my SD (9 at the time) came home for the summer. We were planning on telling her about the PG when she got here but in light of those events we decided not to tell her about it at all, our reason being we didn't want her to worry if/when we became pregnant again. While she was here that summer I tried to draw out her feelings about having another brother or sister (she has a SB and another sister from her mom) by casually throwing in a "next time we get pregnant" line in a conversation. Her comment (one she's referenced every time she comes home to us for the past year and a half) was "but I thought we were going to adopt a baby girl from Korea..." We have talked about this with her several times before but never put a time frame on it, especially since there have been talks from Korea of ceasing international adoption. MH and I are expecting our second child together before Christmas this year. She will be here for a few weeks in July and once again we are waiting for her to arrive to tell her of our news.
A dilemma I am having is whether to tell her mom about this pregnancy before or after we tell SD. Partially, I'm worried that she will tell SD (purposefully or accidently) before we have the chance to. Or that she will try to draw out SDs feelings about another sibling and, if they are negative, play them up. MH says it would be an act of good faith to entrust her with such a secret, but still be prepared "just in case". We want to be able to share our family moment with her ourselves.
My second dillema is sensitivity to SDs mom. I never planned on sharing my m/c with her but last year, while SD was with us, BM and I were having a pleasant conversation where she asked if we planned on having more children. Knowing that she had a m/c a few years prior I went ahead and told her about mine. She was sympathetic and asked if we'd try again. I said yes. I asked her if she planned on another pregnancy and she told me that she was scheduled for a hysterectomy before SD came back to her. She had issues with all three of her pregnancies so I don't think it was healthy for her to have more children but I know it is common to want what you can't/shouldn't have and a hysterectomy wouldn't make it easier. I want to be sensitive to her in case it's hard for her to hear, I don't want SD to be the one to tell her and catch her off guard.
I'm conflicted by how and when we should share the news with BM.
To top it all off, MH won't be here when SD is here because he's deployed, so I have to tell SD myself. I love her like my own and I let her know it all the time. She calls me "mom" and her stepdad "dad" and we are all fine with it, even though BM sometimes admits to jealousy issues. Once I referred to her as my SD in front of her (I don't call her SD very often, she's my little girl) and she corrected me by saying "daughter". My SDs lack of enthusiasum last year when I mention a future pregnancy instead of adopting has me slightly worried. I'm not sure if she likes the idea of adopting because it's something new and cool or if she feels like it will "level the playing field" because she is the only biodaughter to her dad and she will be equal with an adopted daughter where I am concerned.
I'm not super duper stressed about everything but as the time nears to her arrival I know some decisions have to be made about when/how to tell her mom. I also need to think of a variety of ways to deal with and reassure her if she isn't excited about another baby.
Your advice and experience would be appreciated. Thanks if you made it this far throught the ramblings of my brain!
ETA: I don't know if it makes any difference but MH and I have been together since SD was 3 months and she is now 10.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When to tell BM about our PG (ramblings of my brain, long)
Tell SD then privately call BM and tell her. You can even ask if bM has any concerns for now SD might be affected.
However I am confused why you would talk about adoption with a kid when you are still trying/getting PG. have you started the process for adoption? Just weird to me that you would tell a kid you want to adopt (and I thought Korea had more boys than girls but I might me wrong) when you clearly want to be PG, why have her look forward to something that is not in the works.
can you get DH on skype and tell SD "together"? that sounds like the best plan to me.
I agree that you or DH should be the one to tell BM. when SD arrives safely, have her call and talk to BM, ask if you can talk to BM in private for a few minutes, and let her know, and also tell her that SD does not know yet. after you get off the phone tell SD. she may be over the moon excited and want to tell her mom, but that way her mom has a heads up.
BM already knows you are trying for more kids, it doesn't need to be a lengthy conversation.
and I agree with littlejen about the adoption stuff... seems confusing to me..
Well, it is not a matter of when since you have not even begun the adoption process and you stated they might even stop international adoption in Korea. I just do not know why you would tell SD if you are not doing it. And doing it means going through the process, right now it is something that has crossed your mind as a possibility.
It sounds like BM is already aware that y'all want more children so I don't think she would be blindsided by the news. I agree with PP, wait until SD arrives, tell BM over the phone, and then tell SD. This way, BM can react however she needs to without SD being there.
In our situation, I told BM before the kids because I didn't want her to hear it from the kids first. She's pretty good about keeping our secrets/surprises from the kids so I didn't have to worry about her spilling the beans.
For us, the adoption process began with the choice. Our family started talking about it together long before we heard S. Korea might stop international adoptions, which were supposed to cease this year. Whether that is still S. Korea's plan, I don't know... Additionally, it is not abnormal to want more biological children and want to adopt.
Chose to move to another place of posting.
I personally think you are over thinking this. Especially since you have been with your H for ten years. When I had my son my FSD's were very happy. Their parents had been divorced for 12+ years so that was not a factor. They love my son to pieces.
You do not owe anything to BM. Tell your SD when she arrives. After you have told her maybe you can also call BM and let her know. In our case SD's told their mom. (they were already 13 and 15).
There isn't anything more you need to do except to continue to show SD how much you love her.
My ex and I ended up splitting for a variey of reasons but one of the excuses he made was because his daugthers didn't like me. In the end there was a lot of jealousy with teenage daughters getting hurt over daddy having a new family. I wish that I could have dealt with it better, but like I said I think he was already wanting to leave me even without that layer of stress. Since we broke up his daughters and their mom have been very friendly towards me and we have spent time together (without their dad) so that they can see my son.
Hopefully everyone will be happy for you guys! Good luck.