Just when I thought I was doing ok
Bayberry12
member
My husband and I were on the subway yesterday and a woman gets on with three kids, one of them a baby a few months old. She sits down right in front of me. I think, ok- this is no big deal, it's not my baby. Then she sits her baby on her lap so he is facing me, and looking at me and making baby noises. I feel my face get get hot. I have to get away from this baby. My eyes start to fill up. I have to get away from this baby. We get up and turn around to move to another seat, and the train is an obstacle course of strollers and kids. So, I just go stand by the door and wait for my stop.
Once we get off and are on the street, a very pregnant girl walks by in a cute dress, kinda like what I used to wear to work. I see my husband look at me, while I just try to keep my eyes on the ground.
Somedays it's so easy to get knocked back, and somedays everything is just fine. I really never know how I'm going to react to anything.
Are your emotions still so unpredictable, how do you handle those moments when you feel the waive of pain coming?
Re: Just when I thought I was doing ok
A year out from my loss, my emotions are still unpredictable. Some days I can see babies, pregnant ladies, children as old as my baby should be, and be ok. And some days it instantly sends me to pieces. Strangers are the most unpredictable for me- because usually I am fine, but sometimes the sight or thoughts or interaction hits even harder than it would with people I know. The only positive I can find to tell you is that for me, the suprise "attacks" seem to happen less often than they used to. They still do happen though, and I still feel blindsided.
I still get like that and I'm over six months out. I do try to escape it so I can deal with my pain privately. I find myself more jealous of pregnant woman than bitter towards them and pity for myself.
*HUGS* hang in there...it's a rollercoaster of emotions.
I often feel like a tennis ball during a Wimbledon match. One minute I feel great (happy, even)....the next I'm huddled in the closet crying my eyes out. Most days I can sense if it's going to be a tough one...and I'm just more aware that if I need to make a quick exit I can do so. I think (I hope) it gets better with time...but I'm sure there will always be days where our hearts just break.