Need to alert a mom in the group about her son.WDYT?

July_2009

I am a part of a moms group (NT) and we notice a 2 yr old boy (let's call him R) really suffering in the group. I suspect R is on the spectrum. R has no words, no eye contact, he could walk right through you, if you stop him for attention, he could hit, very aggressive, does not respond to name, plays with car wheels all.the.time and basically has no skills at all. 

The sad part is the mom has NO clue whatsoever. I even hinted to her about getting his hearing checked randomly and she gave me this WTF look. Another mom and me are planning to tell her about our observations and recommend EI/hearing test and hoping they would lead her to the more complicated part of the conversation.

The group is dividing up because the other moms (who equally have no clue) are constantly worried about R hitting other kids. So, play dates are becoming a night mare.  What will be the best way to get the point across to the mom of R? I know whichever way we tell her, she will be scandalized, hurt and even probably cut off friendship with us, but I cannot see R suffer anymore! 

 

tiffany0727

Wow.  That's a really tough situation.  Yeah, totally agree that there are red flags for ASD going on.  She might have no clue about anything wrong or she might be in denial.  I don't know, play groups were when I noticed my child's delays (my son isn't on the spectrum, but I was a special education teacher).  I think the best thing you could do is as a group get together and sit her down.  Tell her how much you guys care about her and "R" and how much you want to be there to support her through this and that you don't want to loose your friendship with her, but you guys really think she needs to investigate what's going on with her kid.  You could also bring some info with you on ASD or something like that.  Hope that makes sense.  Big hugs!  You are an awesome friend for wanting to help her and her kid.  Even if she doesn't see it now and gets mad, I think she will come around and realize that you did something amazing for her and her kid.  I do think you need to say something for the kid's sake.

July_2009

-auntie-:

MYOB.

There is no way the mother of an NT child can deliver this message without coming off (to the other mother) as a complete and utter ass. Unless you've been there, it's not your place.

I have a child on spectrum and would never tell another parent to get their child evaluated unless they asked my opinion mother to mother. I have held my tongue a number of times. If asked out right, I tell moms to trust their guts and have even suggested professionals I know would see and ASD if it existed (I was correct both times, btw). But I would never harsh the buzz of someone who wasn't in a place to process her child's differences.

It's possible she is already in the EI system and doesn't care to share her son's medical history with random moms at playgroup. If so she won't appreciate you pointing otu that which she doesn't wish to share.

Or it could be she's in denial, in which case her child's doctor will likely refer her for an evaluation at some point. If s/he doesn't, school will take care of it under their Childfind mandate.

Auntie - FYI- My DS is on ASD and is in EI now, soon transitioning to preschool. I also take him to NT playgroups to just give him a wide range of interactions. However, I understand that still doesn't give me a right to tell someone to get their kid evaluated.

But, there is more to the story here, not that I am justifying my need to tell her, but that this group is very unique that they are all spouses of expat Indians on work visas (which has restrictions on the spouses can't work) until they get their green cards.  

We definitely know that she is very isolated (by her own admission), she doesn't drive ,her only source of socialization is this group, she is very close to the other mom I mentioned (they are next door neighbours) and we already know that her son is not in any services, her Pedi is her first cousin who didn't care to administer MCHAT at 18 months. The story gets quite complicated. Anyone who is in a professional capacity to alert her are her relatives and brush off the issues as the kid just being strong willed. 

So, I thought I should help bring the point across. I know it is a very fine line that one crosses in the special needs world but I do feel she needs to be alerted. 

Amamsneb

-auntie-:

MYOB.

There is no way the mother of an NT child can deliver this message without coming off (to the other mother) as a complete and utter ass. Unless you've been there, it's not your place.

I have a child on spectrum and would never tell another parent to get their child evaluated unless they asked my opinion mother to mother. I have held my tongue a number of times. If asked out right, I tell moms to trust their guts and have even suggested professionals I know would see and ASD if it existed (I was correct both times, btw). But I would never harsh the buzz of someone who wasn't in a place to process her child's differences.

It's possible she is already in the EI system and doesn't care to share her son's medical history with random moms at playgroup. If so she won't appreciate you pointing otu that which she doesn't wish to share.

Or it could be she's in denial, in which case her child's doctor will likely refer her for an evaluation at some point. If s/he doesn't, school will take care of it under their Childfind mandate.

 

Yes to all of this.  Especially the part about her possibly already being in EI.  Just because she doesn't announce it to you doesn't mean she hasn't noticed that her child might be having trouble.  

For some reason, I have a disinclination to say, "Hey everyone!!!  Over here!!!  My kid is different from all the others!!"  Particularly because my former mom group spent a LOT of time comparing what even the NT kids were doing.  

A better tack might be to encourage the other moms to make sure she doesn't feel left out of or ostracized from your group.  I'd treat the violence the same way you'd treat it in a NT kid, until the mom tells you otherwise. 

MirandaHobbes

July_2009:

-auntie-:

MYOB.

There is no way the mother of an NT child can deliver this message without coming off (to the other mother) as a complete and utter ass. Unless you've been there, it's not your place.

I have a child on spectrum and would never tell another parent to get their child evaluated unless they asked my opinion mother to mother. I have held my tongue a number of times. If asked out right, I tell moms to trust their guts and have even suggested professionals I know would see and ASD if it existed (I was correct both times, btw). But I would never harsh the buzz of someone who wasn't in a place to process her child's differences.

It's possible she is already in the EI system and doesn't care to share her son's medical history with random moms at playgroup. If so she won't appreciate you pointing otu that which she doesn't wish to share.

Or it could be she's in denial, in which case her child's doctor will likely refer her for an evaluation at some point. If s/he doesn't, school will take care of it under their Childfind mandate.

Auntie - FYI- My DS is on ASD and is in EI now, soon transitioning to preschool. I also take him to NT playgroups to just give him a wide range of interactions. However, I understand that still doesn't give me a right to tell someone to get their kid evaluated.

But, there is more to the story here, not that I am justifying my need to tell her, but that this group is very unique that they are all spouses of expat Indians on work visas (which has restrictions on the spouses can't work) until they get their green cards.  

We definitely know that she is very isolated (by her own admission), she doesn't drive ,her only source of socialization is this group, she is very close to the other mom I mentioned (they are next door neighbours) and we already know that her son is not in any services, her Pedi is her first cousin who didn't care to administer MCHAT at 18 months. The story gets quite complicated. Anyone who is in a professional capacity to alert her are her relatives and brush off the issues as the kid just being strong willed. 

So, I thought I should help bring the point across. I know it is a very fine line that one crosses in the special needs world but I do feel she needs to be alerted. 

I see your point with the extenuating circumstances- but it's still probably going to be worked out by the school district. Don't they usually do kindy screening at age 4? I honestly just don't see if there's a way to get the point across effectively. I was given the heads up by my DCP who knew DS very, very well- and I still thought she was nuts and really resented her for the way she came across.

MrsBalletStar05

Honestly, I wouldn't say anything.  Especially since you already made one suggestion and were met with the "WTF" look.

FlgBride

This is a tough situation, but I wouldn't say anything either. Despite what you said, I'm sure that she already knows something is up.

luckyfrgg

I'm generally in the MYOB camp as well, but I see your concerns about her being isolated and I think you genuinely want to help.  The only thing I can suggest is to be very open about your own DC's diagnosis process, and the concerns you saw.  I wouldn't frame it as "hey, my kid didn't make eye contact and I notice yours doesn't either," but just do it as a totally separate conversation.  Be very matter-of-fact, and talk about how glad you are that you're getting early therapy and how much progress you've seen.  Stay far far far away from suggesting that her DS needs anything - let her come to that on her own.  But maybe by hearing your story it'll get her thinking.  

Otherwise, yeah - I'd keep quiet.  Sorry, I know it sucks to worry about someone and not be in a position to help, but I think it would turn out ugly in the end.  And if this is a particularly important social connection for you too (and it sounds like it is) you don't want to torpedo it with all of these complications.