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Blended Families
TheBuddha
member
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~
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BM has a picture of SS in the shower on FB
TheBuddha
member
First of all, it is just his shoulders and head, but you can see that he is standing IN the shower and she is pulling the curtain back to take a picture.
SS is 9 years old and when he came to live with us when he was 7 (DH won custody) he was terrified to be in the bathroom alone. It took a clear shower curtain and lots of work to get him to learn to be alone and to want some privacy.
Now at our home he is very private and shuts the door and takes his shower alone. So tell me...what is his mother doing in the bathroom with him while he is showering? And why the he!! is she taking a picture of him?? Creepy.
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM has a picture of SS in the shower on FB
Yes, it is from April of this year.
Your H can ask FB to take the photo down. If he has legal custody, I think that would mean he is in charge of allowing SS's image to be in a photo. He might have to demonstrate that he has approached BM first - I'm not sure what the procedure is.
I realize this is about more than just the photo (ie the fact that she took the photo in the first place).
Screen shot / copy that picture.
Talk to SS
get a therapist
Then call a lawyer.
Considering SS's history with bathroom issues this appears grossly inappropriate. It's one thing for a mom to have to pop into a bathroom and interrupt private time if it's necessary and its a whole other thing to go in- disrupt a child's privacy and then take his picture. Then- to go off and post it online? WTH kind of logical thinking line is going on here- because that's coming out pretty sideways.
My nephew is going on 8 soon and sometimes (because of difficulties in his blended family) has issues with proper hygiene and so my sister makes sure to remind him to be washed properly and still it's an independent thing generally done through the door.
I don't really see how that could be played off as "cute" or a "funny" picture of your SS (which is the only excuse I could possibly think she would come up with) when he's 9.
I would nonchalantly ask SS about it and have DH address it with BM. It seems you worked really hard to instill that SS can be private about his shower time/body and if BM is undermining that- that could have a negative affect on him. He has his right to his body and privacy and that should be encouraged.
Wow- that struck quite a nerve with me- sorry- hormonal pregnant lady.
Also THIS
Talk to the therapist. Be very clear about SS's past issues with being alone in the bathroom and now this picture. Have the therapist "deal" with it. YOU do not address it at all, so there is absolutely NO implication that you are creating an issue out of nothing.
Because, while taking a naked picture of an 8 yo is wrong, it may not be "WRONG".
Once you get a better read on SS, then you contact your Lawyer. Ask him/her what you can legal do. At the very least, you can have him contact FB about removing the picture. I would also suggest a letter from your lawyer to her and her lawyer requesting that BM no longer takes innapropriate picutres and to stay out of the bathroom while he is in it unless there is a real emergency.
But I would not discuss this with her directly. It is too skeevey to leave it to a general conversation. She lost custody for a reason.
So I talked to SS therapist at length on Friday. She recommended DH contacting BM's father (BM lives with her parents) and asking him if he can help SS maintain some privacy while SS is visiting his mother in their home.
She also recommended that we bring up the picture with SS in a very non-confrontational way asking "so can you tell me the story behind this?" I will have DH do this privately with SS and see what he says.
She ALSO recommended asking BM about the picture. She offered to have a phone conference with BM and discuss the picture with her as well as privacy and boundary issues.
SS gets home from his mom's on Tuesday morning. He goes to see his therapist on Tuesday afternoon. DH will discuss the photo with him later next week to see what he says.
The therapist doesn't seem to think there is much legal ground to stand on because it is such a "gray" area but she does encourage everyone to discuss what is going on. On Tuesday she will talk to SS simply about privacy and boundaries without bringing up the picture. The therapist asked if BM "romanticizes" SS, kind of putting him in a boyfriend role, and after she said this I feel that she does. She has no one else, and she has SS sleeping in her bed. At what age does this become inappropriate? At what age do you grant your child privacy while bathing and sleeping?
With my son he started taking his own shower at the age of 6, and he's always had his own bedroom. My daughter started bathing herself around the same age and has also always had her own room. They learned while they were being potty-trained that we shut bathroom doors when we use the restroom, and that we shut doors when we change clothes. I think this whole situation is just very weird and kind of makes my stomach churn. I hope the therapist will help shed some light on the situation and help you and your husband to find ways to protect SS and make him feel safe.
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