Issue with my neighbor's kid

fignewt74

DS is 4 and has been playing a lot with our across the street neighbor, N, who is 3 and a half.  N is combative and mischevious, but loves playing with DS.  Unfortunately DS loves playing with N as well.

We have had a number of incidents in the past week where N has been rough with DS, and we knew we were going to see him at a birthday party today so we decided to stick very closely to both kids since we knew they would end up playing together.  Well sure enough, we turned around for one second and N slapped DS right in the face.  DS screamed and started crying, and I ran over and took him away from N.  N's mom (who I have become good friends with in the 7 years we've been in our house) went over to N and told him to give DS a hug.  I was shocked that there was no consequence for him.  I was more shocked that she came over to me laughing saying "what a guilty look N had on his face"  WTF?  There was no apology to me?!?  I made a face and walked away in shock that she didn't apologize or give N any consequence.

We are not sure what to do.  We are fed up with N's behavior, but these are our across-the-street neighbors who we see ALL the time in the summer.  Can we say something to them?  If so, what do we say?  Do we just try to avoid them for the near future?  Also, I am wondering what I should say to DS?  What should we tell him to do/say when he finds himself in the situation again?

lilles

I am sorry you are going through this. On the one side she did have her son apologize by giving yours a hug which is appropriate. What kind of consequence would you have liked to see for the boy? Everyone has different parenting styles. They may also see that type of violence as "boys will be boys." Maybe she was going to talk to him at home so as not to cause a scene at the birthday party. I do think that she should have apologized to you. I'll post more later.

Carifly

We went through this with P and her "best" friend K, who also happens to be the daughter of my best friend (and also her daycare provider).   P would come home with bite marks and stories of how K hit her or took her toys, etc.  I did have a talk with my friend, but it didn't seem to stop the problem, so I focused on teaching P to remove herself from situations where someone isn't being nice to her, instead of just standing there and letting the other kid hurt her or bully her.

 Now P is in preschool, and she still seems to be the passive kiddo who just stands there while her friends do things like hit her.  I can't control the other kids, especially when I'm not there, so I put my efforts in teaching P to be more assertive- to speak up when someone is doing something she doesn't like, or to stop playing with kids when they are hurting her.

bunny731

The boy and his mother should have apologized and the consequence could have been her saying to her son what he did was unkind in front of all of you. 

I teach my kids to tell the other child "what you did was not nice", walk away and play with someone nicer. I would be limiting the time your DS and the other child playtime together when unsupervised, and/or supervising the play time so I could reinforce gentle play. 

to the pp: 'Boys will be boys' is an absolutely ridiculous excuse for non-parenting.

howleyshell

As a Mom of older kids I can tell you that what you're dealing with here is the tip of an ice burg the size that sank the Titanic.

It's only the beginning.  There's going to be SO much more of this and most of it will happen when you are not around to intervene or coach.

My suggestion:  Stop focusing so much on the problem and focus more on the solution.

This is a GREAT opportunity to coach him on how to handle situations like these because they are going to come up often and for many years to come.

Focus on the parts you can control - helping him navigate his response to situations like these and reinforcing that just because someone else does it doesn't mean it's OK.

Use it as a spring board to do some role play at home where you pretend to be the "mean" kid.  Lip load him by giving him suggestions and letting him parrot you and practice having the words come out even when another kid is up in his space.

It's totally normal for the initial Mamma Bear reaction to be to want the other kid or mom to handle things more appropriately.

As for the neighbor?  Ignore her.  If she's not handling the situation how you'd like for her to don't hesitate to step in the middle and coach your son right then and there:  "DS - you can tell him that we don't hit."  or "DS - if someone isn't playing nice you need to go find someone who will."

That's about as close as I ever come to directly confronting another parent about a situation.  The truth is that if that doesn't drive it home for them then the chances are that it's just not on their radar and my bringing it up isn't going to end in any kind of positive outcome. 

fignewt74

Howleyshell,

I was actually hoping you would respond to my post!  Follow up question for you - how do you tell your boys to stand up for themselves?  With words only, or do you teach them that its okay to hit back?  I wouldn't normally consider hitting okay, but I am starting to worry that DS is going to be a target for bullies if he doesn't physically defend himself.  Thoughts?

howleyshell

fignewt74:

  Follow up question for you - how do you tell your boys to stand up for themselves?  With words only, or do you teach them that its okay to hit back? 

My approach is avoid, avoid, avoid.

If I green light them to hit back my house will become a mini-WWF because they'll be beating the cr@p outta each other every second of every day.

If it's not OK for the other kid to hit him then it's not OK for him to hit either.  It's all or nothing in my book because they're just too young to understand nuances well yet.  Hitting is not OK.  Period.  For them or for you.

We roll play simple things like:  "Jace that HURT.  Please don't hit me."

I think sometimes boys don't realize where the line between fun play and wrestling stops and actual pain starts to simply letting the other kid know that he's hurting you sometimes changes the dynamic and helps the other kid back off.  My kids do wrestle.  They ARE boys!  Once someone's hurt it's time to stop and find another game.  They have to learn where that line is.

One rule that I LOVE in my house is that if you make another person cry it's your job to "fix it".  If one of them hurts the other they are responsible for going directly to them, asking if they need an ice pack, giving them a hug, etc until they stop crying and are fine.  They need to learn that their actions impact other people.  They used to walk away from the one that was crying and it made me nuts.  That's NOT ok in my book. 

Otherwise I tell my kids:  "If playing with a certain kid makes you sad, angry or mad more often than it makes you happy you need to look for someone else to play with."

They get stuck in relationships and don't really know how to exit them so when I start hearing a lot of "Ryan wasn't nice to me today" over and over again we take a minute to examine that relationship.  A simple:  "Does playing with Ryan usually make you happy or sad?" question seems so simple but they honestly don't think to analyze things like that.  From there it's easier to ask:  "Who DO you play with that tends to make you more happy than sad?" and encourage them to seek out a particular kid when things get rough on the play ground so they can have a reprieve with a child that they feel safe with and enjoy.

We did do some practicing with me up in Dylan's face and space (because that's what he was experiencing) and him trying to find words to ask someone to back off or leave him alone.  When it didn't work with just polite words I told him it was OK to raise his voice when another kid was physically and agressively in his space to ask them again to leave him alone.  When that doesn't work he needs to physically remove himself.  I want them to feel confident standing up for themselves but I also want them to understand that it needs to stop short of hitting or they will become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

I swear if I've told them once I've told them a thousand times:  "You can't control other people's behavior but you can control how you respond to it."

Empowering them to take care of themselves is important and it's even more important to let them know what YOU feel is ethically and morally appropriate so they DON'T turn into one of those kids on the playground who's hitting and not really thinking twice about it.  This is the core of parenting IMO:  Instilling morals and values.  We value personal safety and treating others with respect so that's what I encourage them to do regardless of what's coming at them from the other person.

I'm not saying there's not a time when physically defending themselves won't be their best option - I'm just saying that during these really young and formative years I prefer setting the groundwork that hitting others isn't OK.  We'll handle nuances when they're old enough to understand that one blanket rule doesn't always apply to every situation.   It's not like they are in mortal danger from another 4 yr old and really do need to physically defend themselves.

I know this stuff is tough.  It's so hard not to go Mamma Bear, scoop them up and go full on rage at the offending child or parent but honestly - we can't be there to rescue them for the rest of their lives so it's time to start teaching them how to rescue themselves because at this age they can start learning how to do that.

GL!!!