Birth story (super long, sorry)
So 8 months out and I'm still struggling with being angry/sad/resentful. Since I'm a lurker and occasional poster, thought maybe writing things out and sharing would help. Sorry it's so long, but once I started writing all the details came back. If you feel like reading my novel (haha), here it is:
I pretty much had the easiest pregnancy, no morning sickness, no real fatigue (despite working 12+ hour days), nada. I ate right and kept up a decent amount of exercise. All my appointments had been routine, even though I was still small despite LO measuring big at our 20-week ultrasound. Everything was going so well entering into the third trimester that DH and I decided to take a trip to the city for a multi-day outdoor concert. We indulged on some pretty extravagant dinners-which is what I attributed the slight swelling I noticed in my hands. After coming back from our trip, I worked two days in a row and finally noticed that I was starting to feel a bit run down after my long shifts. The night after my second shift I got a nosebleed, nothing out of control, but for some strange reason it just wouldn?t stop. I?d had one of these a few weeks before and tried what I did then-shoved some tissues up my nose and called it a night. Once in bed though, I couldn?t get comfortable. I tried everything from swaying on my hands and knees, lying on left side, then right. The uncomfortable feeling started to intensify in my right upper abdomen. It was a little scary, considering DH wasn?t home (he works 48 hours straight), but I chalked it up to the third trimester and figured my little guy must have shifted and was somehow causing the pain. Finally I fell asleep and the next morning I woke up without that pain but still felling a little off. I decided to take it easy for the day while DH went off woodcutting. That evening I met DH out at restaurant for dinner. My appetite was crap, and I still felt off, but figured this is what the last 10+ weeks were going to be like. After dinner I stopped by the store to pick up some antacids to see if they would do the trick and on the way out of the medicine aisle I saw a blood pressure cuff and for some reason decided to buy it too. Once home I lounged on the couch for a while before remembering the BP cuff and finally had my DH take my pressure-it was in the 180?s/90?s. We took it two more times, switching arms, and then took DHs BP (his was normal). We figured I needed to go to the hospital, but I was in complete denial. DH called our close friend who is an L&D nurse while I jumped in the shower, figuring a hot shower would vasodilate me out of it (wishful thinking). DH came in saying our friend said to go to the hospital right away. DH threw together a bag while I finished up. Crap, I was going to spend a few days in the hospital then the rest of my pregnancy on bed rest, or so I thought. When we got there we were admitted to L&D, I was given a gown, a cup to pee in and told to settle in. When I finally got in bed they took my pressure, which was now in the 200?s/100?s. After that, everything started to go much quicker. Labs were drawn, mag was started, the BP cuff kept going off, and I was given the first and only steroid shot I would receive. When the doctor came in saying I was being transferred to another hospital and would deliver that night, the denial came back big time. I was only 29/5, my birthing class was supposed to start tomorrow, this was not happening. A short time later I was loaded in the ambulance and we were off for the 45-minute drive. At the other hospital (which happens to be where I work) I was taken into the room right next to the operating suite. More labs were drawn and the MFM doc came in to do an ultrasound. I had only seen this doc twice before for my ultrasounds, but was thankful that at least I knew her. My fluid was super low, and DS was small. The doc reassured us that preeclampsia babies tend to do better than other premature babies; that somehow physiologically they know they are getting the boot early and start maturing vital organs, which was why his growth had slowed. Shortly after, the anesthesiologist came in and told us my platelets were too low for the epidural and I would have to be put under. Not only did I have preeclampsia, but HELLP syndrome as well. This was sooo not happening. DH couldn?t come back since I was being put all the way under so he gave me a kiss and I was rolled back. My arms were splayed out and I started shaking uncontrollably. This was happening. There were so many people in the room, I only remember the neonatologist introducing herself, my doc, and everyone else was a faceless person in scrubs. Then I was out. DS was born at 0216 in the morning at 29 weeks 6 days, weighing 2 pounds 5.5 ounces and 14.5 inches long. I got to see DS that evening (less than 24 hours later) despite being on the mag drip. He had only been intubated to get the surfactant and was on CPAP. I remember seeing babies that small on my NICU rotation but had never imagined my own LO would be born so small and fragile. Our NICU journey lasted 55 days, full of the ?normal? ups and downs. DS came home at exactly 5 pounds and on oxygen and an apnea/brady monitor. I?m so thankful that our time in the NICU was fairly uneventful, and grow even more thankful each day watching my DS grow into the happy, healthy baby he is today.
Re: Birth story (super long, sorry)
BFP#2 3/16/11, beta 138; 4/12 Baby/HB DS born 9/10/11 at 29w4d due to partial abruption and PTL
BFP#3 8/19/13 Another boy! 17P, modified bedrest and Nifedipine helped us have a termie! DS2 born 4/19/14 at 38w5d.
Wow... our stories are so similar it's eerie (although I didn't develop HELLP, just extreme pre-e to the point that baby was in distress)... I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
We are four months out and I, too, have still struggled with being sad (depressed, really) and resentful/remorseful... I haven't even been able to write up his birth story yet because every time I do, I start shaking and get to the verge of crying, it's so traumatic to think about. The afternoon my OB and MFM told me I had to deliver, I was so shocked and upset that I burst into tears... bawled while they were prepping me, bawled as I was getting wheeled back, and then I had a full-on panic attack while they were inserting the spinal block (ugh). In the end, it's beyond amazing that we both have our LO's and that they're doing so well... but that doesn't take away the trauma of how they came into the world.
I'd love to see photos of your baby if you don't mind sharing a few! Thanks for sharing your baby's birth story, and CONGRATULATIONS to you and your LO for getting through everything and doing so well now!