Single Parents

Ugh... fathers day (long)

I don't post on here regularly but I have posted in the past and just need to get this out...

I'm currently 19w4d pregnant and the father is a PITA. The long and short of it is that he has decided that he wants a DNA test and as a result of numerous issues we have had he has been informed that until he petitions for one and the results show he is the father and he is not welcome to be involved. Well about 2 weeks ago he knew that I would be finding out the sex of the baby yet due to the fact that I have had to file harassment charges against him he was not notified. A few days after the scheduled appointment he contacted my mother and asked for information to which she did not respond. I feel very strongly about keeping a distance from him due to the previously mention issues we have had yet today (of course!) I wake up with an overwhelming amount of anxiety and guilt over the fact that I'm not contacting him and that it's fathers day and he doesn't even know the sex of the baby.

I talked to my mom about the situation and she reminded me that he is the one who made the choices he did which resulted in him not being involved and I should in NO WAY feel guilty about not contacting him.

I agree with her, YET I still feel terrible and guilty and super anxious.

Can someone please tell me to chill!!!!!

 Sorry for the kind of long post, I just feel terrible and was hoping that some of you women in similar situations can remind me that I shouldn't feel this way... 

IAmPregnant Ticker

Re: Ugh... fathers day (long)

  • Def chill. You're mom is SO right. There is obviously always going to be some attached emotion because he is the father of your child. But as my sister says, just because you have a CHILD does not make you a PARENT. and he is obviously not acting as a parent. You are doing what's best for you and your child to not have him invovled, IMO. I am a pretty laid back person and try to stay drama- free and DS's dad is a freakin loser, although we luckily live in different states so he hasn't been "in and out" physically, but he goes thru phases where all of a sudden he cares and wants to check in and now hasnt called in like 2 weeks to even see how his son is doing. So, lets be real, if you allow the guilt to get the best of you and give him and inch, he will take a mile, and you will end up where I'm sitting now. Luckily Jude is too young to really know any of this and I would never let Jude get hurt but youre better off cutting the ties NOW instead of dealing with the BS after LO is born. That's just my 2cents though. HTH. Don't worry, focus on your sweet baby :)
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  • Thank you for your kind words.

    In the whole whopping 30 minutes since I posted this I talked to a friend of mine who found out via FB of all places that a "mutual friend" of ours decided to contact him and tell him the sex of the baby as well as the name that I chose.

    I'm no longer feeling guilty-- seeing as he has already been informed -- just BEYOND pissed that someone would do that.

    IAmPregnant Ticker
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  • As someone in a similar situation, I'll tell you what my mom told me: "You know who the father is."  Shut him out while you're pregnant. You don't need the stress. Exclude him on all decisions, name, circumscision, ear piercing, etc. I told SD the sex to show I wanted him involved. It didn't go well, but consider it carefully. Dont contact him unless it's with major update. I shut him out from week 19 until the day before I was first scheduled to be induced. Restrict all contact to email.. Ignore texts and phone calls.  However, once the baby is born, you both have MORAL obligations before LEGAL ones. IE, you know who the father is, and you're morally obligated to allow him access. That means you've got to take the high road. It sucks. I hate every minute of it. Especially since he thinks DS is his enough to visits, but mention money and he heads for the hills. But, I also know I'm the one doing the right thing. If and when the day comes that LO says, "Where is my dad?" you'll be able to honestly tell LO you made every effort to get along and keep him involved. 

    It is his RIGHT to request a DNA test, and as painful as indirect cheating implication is for us, it's a smart decision on his part. I don't begrudge SD one. I got pissed when the accusations came. It's one thing to say, "OK, Sarah, I just want to be sure." and another to say, "I think you f*cked around on me so I won't pay a da*m thing until I get proof he's mine! Oh, and if you don't give me 50/50 custody, I'm taking him away from you." 

  • That is pretty much exactly how I feel. At this point I am not denying him access to his child I am denying him access to ME. I also agree with your point on the DNA test. I did not have a problem at all with him saying that he wants one ( I agree that it is smart for him to have it) but what has happened is when he wants to be a part of the situation he is the father and when he isn't getting his way then he throws the test in my face. All I have told him was that if he is going to act that way and be manipulative with the DNA test is that UNTIL he petitions to have the test done and the results state that he is the father he is not welcome to be involved which includes any and all visits with the child up until that point. I wish that I could feel comfortable doing what you did, but with the police involved and the fact that I have had to file harassment charges, this is what I was advised to do.

    The whole situations sucks because I SHOULD be able to share all of this with him despite my personal feelings for him, but I feel like he put us in this situation and I have to do what I can to protect myself and ultimately my child. 

    I did start making a scrap book of things that have been happening with the pregnancy that is directed towards the father. It's the only thing I feel that I can do safely at this point. So on days like today when, if we were together I would have gotten him a gift--I wrote a father's day letter to him. It seems to be therapeutic for me and hopefully will help someday if things are never okay with the father and the baby ever asks questions. I never wanted things to be like this with his dad.

    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • Hey, I'm right there with you. I despise him to the point that it tears me up inside to have anything to do with him. It's so bad, my parents have stated he's not welcome unless they're here to supervise. And, I'm 35!!! You are absolutely right. It shouldn't be this way. Two people should be able to co-parent without all this anger and animosity. But, more often than not, this is how it ends up. Things can get better in time. My ex and I are on good terms. But, it takes a LONG time. It took us 12 very long years, and sometimes, we still bicker and fight.

    You do what you have to do. Right now, the most important thing is taking care of you! Everything you feel, your little miracle feels, too. That's why I denied him access to me. I was a mess of nerves, tears, and emotions. I finally decided this is what I had to do. My first priority will always be LO. If he wants to use him as a pawn, and it sounds like yours is doing what mine did, then I'll shut him out of LOs life, too. And, I'll be more than happy to explain to a judge why I did. 

    Don't feel guilty about ANYTHING. A woman's job as a mother means doing what's right for her babies. Sometimes, that means being a female dog and shutting people, even the fathers of our children, out of our lives. I think making a scrap book for the father is wonderful. It's more than I would have done. I can't even stomach signing the Father's Day card I bought him.

  • PS, donating a little genetic material doesn't make you a father. It's what you do AFTER the baby is born that makes you a parent.
  • I'm assuming since he is asking for a paternity test he is also not legally claiming the baby, which means he is also not helping you to get ready for the baby financially? If so, that means that in the courts eyes he is not a parent. He has no legal rights to your baby until after the paternity test comes back. If he so chooses to not try to help you support the baby and chooses not to legally claim the baby then it is his fault hes not involved. End of story.

    I do understand that it is hard though, I still struggle with it every so often. The thing is though, if he wanted to be involved and he felt like he needed to be then he would be. Since its easy for him to ignore everything until the time comes to find out what your having, I would assume he would get the information from you maybe throw a few name suggestions in there, then disappear again.

    From my experience its MUCH easier when someone who only cares every once in awhile is cut out of something already stressful like pregnancy. Only update him with important things, and when you go into labor or are scheduled to be induced let him know and give him the option to be there when the baby is born (if your comfortable with that) or to come see the baby after he/she is born.

    imageimage Visit The Nest! BabyFetus Ticker :.:.Dear baby boy, No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.:.:
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