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Adoption
how to respond to my daughter
I havent been on this forum in three years now. My daugher is almost 3 now since we adopted her. I am not sure if I can get any advice on this or I may need to look at other sites. Now that she is getting older I need to start thinking about how to explian to her she is adopted. I dont think she is ready to know until around 5 years old, however I became pregnant. I am 9 months now and ready to give birth soon. I am afraid she will ask me Was I in Your Belly? I dont want to lie. I am not sure how to answer that at her age. She doesnt have a relationship with her birth mom right now but will hopefully. I was going to say someting like No but you were born in mommys heart. Is that appoprirate to say right now?
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Re: how to respond to my daughter
That is exactly what I say to my boys "you were born in my heart, or "I prayed for a child and God helped us find each other". We also have a closed adoption for safety reasons. They are 7 and 4 now and although the 4 year old doesn't exactly understand what I am talking about, he does know that he was not born in my tummy. We have had a lot of friends who have had babies recently and so this has come up frequently.
I was also adopted (closed) and have never had any issues related to my adoption. When I began my adoption journey, I asked my mother for advice. Her best advice was to just include it in daily conversation. When I was little, she would simply say, "when we adopted you".. in coversation just as she would say to my brothers "when you were born." (I have two younger brothers who are the biological children of our parents.)
Children can understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Honesty is always the best policy. I wanted to ensure that like myself, my children would never have a moment when they "discovered" that they were adopted. I just always knew that I was adopted and it casued much less stress for me as a child.
Listen to your heart and be prepared, the questions will come. You love your child and you will answer properly.
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
I would avoid saying "you were born in my heart" because a three year old can't understand a metaphor like that. She will literally think she was born in your heart.
There are a ton of good children's books out there that explain adoption; it would be great for you to start reading them with her. "Tell me again about the night I was born" is a good one.
If I were you I would tell her that she grew in another woman's tummy and she loved her very, very much but she wasn't able to take care of her, so she let you took her home and you are her mommy forever. Emphasize how excited you were and tell her about what it was like to bring her home etc. I disagree that she's not ready until she's five- I think it is best if a child always knows they were adopted and never remembers thinking otherwise.
GL! Hope the birth goes well too :-)
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
I always told my daughter. I started it with her prayers. When we pray at night my part is and God thank you for letting me Adopt (daughters name in here). I would start the talk now. Its never too early. My daughter is 5 and we talk about her adoption all the time. The best part is when she told me she was glad that I was her Mother. Made me cry.
It would be good if you could get her birth mother to writer your daughter a letter explaining why she choose adoption. Our BM wrote my daughter a letter that I will give to her when she is older. You don't want to let it go too long without telling her. You don't want that one relative to mention it and then have to explain what they're talking about. You don't know what her reaction to it will be. I would suggest reading Tell me about the night I was born by Jamie Lee Curtis and then read it to her. Good luck!!
I'm fairly surprised your adoption agecy didn't include any of this information in your sessions prior to adoption!
Granted, my children weren't newborns at the time of their placement, but we've always talked to them about their life prior to us. Even before they intellectually understood what adoption was.
I think your pregnancy is a natural way to bring up the subject, and rather than fear it, I think you should embrace it. Although I agree that the methaphor about growing in your heart is likely to be confusing.
Our daughter is 2 1/2 and we talk about her adoption fairly frequently. We have a lot of books about adoption/family and we'll mention her adoption as we read them. We have pictures of her birthmom and her family around our house and we talk about them and show them to her. (We have visits with her birthmom and family as well, but I know you said that you don't have a relationship at this time.)
I would definitely start with kids' books. I would also make a book about your daughter's adoption - include pics from the hospital, of her birthparents (if possible), of her when she was a baby and came home with you. I made one on Snapfish or Shutterfly for Zoe. I just updated hers to include pictures from her finalization day.
I would explain to her that she was grew in another woman's tummy and she loved her very much. Explain that she wasn't able to raise her at that time, so she asked you to be her mommy.
I would not wait until she is 5...we were told to start from Day 1 when she was an infant and 'practice' telling her her story. That way by the time she turns 3, 4, or 5 she's always known it and it's nothing new.
Congratulations to you on your pregnancy. I remember when you used to be on the board...I guess I've been around a long time!!!
I also highly recommend "tell me again about the night I was born." My son is 3 also (not adopted), but we are in the adoption process and we used it as a spring board to explain to him that his new brother or sister will be adopted.
He knows that he was in my tummy from pictures in his baby book, but we just told him that the baby pouch in my tummy is broken, so his brother or sister will live in another lady's tummy until it is hime for him/her to come live with us. Both of my sisters-in-law were pregnant last year, so he did a lot of his questioning then.
The cartoon Dinosaur Train was also a good jumping off point for us to explain adoption to him. It is an educational PBS cartoon, that doesn't exactly use adoption language, but it portrays an adoptive family (of dinosaurs) who have bio kids as well.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Congrats on the new baby and hope everything goes smoothly! :-)
I was adopted when I was 4 months old from South Korea. It was never a secret, ever. We talked about it all the time, and I loved it when my mom told me about when my family brought me home from the airport (my parents weren't allowed to fly to Korea to get me). Like a PP said, my parents always talked about "when we adopted you" or "when we brought you home from the airport" the same way they said "when they were born" or "when we brought him home from the hospital" about my brothers. I never felt "different" from my brothers at all. I know when I asked about when I was in my mom's belly, she told me I wasn't.
3 year olds are usually ready for more information than you think (I taught 3 year olds in a preschool for a few years), and I always think it's better to tell them the truth than to not. Like jillianmb said, avoid metaphors because she WILL literally think that she grew in your heart like her brother/sister in growing in your tummy. Even though she doesn't understand a baby growing in your tummy now, she will! A lot of the kids in one of my classes had siblings born that year, and it was one of our favorite subjects - "Miss Emilee, my baby brother is growing in my mommy's tummy... he sure is taking up a lot of room..." or "Miss Emilee, my baby brother keeps kicking mommy! That's not very nice..." She'll learn about it from her point of view along the way.
Everyone has given great advice so far.
3 is not at all too young to explain adoption. The sooner the better, so it becomes more of a natural conversation than a sudden "reveal" that may throw her for a loop.
We include DD's BPs in our night prayers, have an adoption photobook that we occasionally read to her, and we have some adoption-themed kids books. A Blessing From Above and I Wished For You: An Adoption Story are 2 that we have. You may want to read them yourself a few times at first, because they can make you emotional and you don't want to bring that emotion into what is a happy story with your child.
You may also want to check out resources on the Adoptive Families website. They have a lot of suggestions (often real-life experiences) on how to explain adoption to any age.
Buddy was adopted! :-)
They don't use adoption language, but his egg somehow ended up in the Pterannadon Family's nest and they raise him as their child from day one, with the other pterannadon kids as his siblings.
It took me a while to figure it out since they do not call it adoption, but that's really what it is.
The delve into identity issues a great deal, especially in the "Dinosaur Big City" episode. In early episodes they go around trying to help him find his identity and figure out what kind of dinosaur he is. Then Mr and Mrs Pterranadon bring him to the therapod convention in Laramydia, so that he can meet and gain insight from other other T-rex's, and learn more about himself and how dinosaurs from his culture migrate, etc.
Once I figured it out, I thought it was pretty neat. My LO is really into it!
My boys loved Dinasaur Train when they were younger as well. It help normalize adoption for them since they do not have any friends who were adopted. We also had many adoption talks after watching some of the episodes.
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
Yes, Buddy was adopted by the Pteranodon family. There's an episode where they meet other T Rexes and Mrs Pteranodon talks to Mrs T Rex about what to expect as Buddy gets older. Here are the (adoption-related) lyrics to the opening song:
Once upon a time there was a mom
Her name was Mrs. Pteranodon
Sittin? on her nest she heard a stratchin? and said
?Oh boy! My eggs are hatchin??
One by one her kids popped free
baby Pteranodons one, two, three
?I?ll name you Tiny, Shiny, and Don?
But Tiny said ?Wait, there?s one more, Mom?
Last little baby was a different size with teeth and a tail and big green eyes
He didn?t look anything like the rest
?What am I doin? in a Pteranodon nest?
But dear old Mrs. Pteranodon said
?Oh this is your family and I?m your mom
you may be different, but we?re all creatures,
all dinosaurs have different features
Come on Buddy, we?ll take a vacation
I?ll get us some tickets at Pteranodon station
We?ll travel the world through sunshine and rain
And meet all the species on the??
Dinosaur train, dinosaur train, dinosaur train, dinosaur train
We?re gonna ride, ride ride ride?
[Choo Choo]
the dinosaur train.
[ROAR]