what a fun morning

lily_721

SS1 (18 y/o) has a repeated history of not completing his work and needing extensions.  He told me he had a HUGE project due tomorrow (last day of school) which he hadn't started (but it was "under control").  He estimated that he will need five hours to complete this.

This morning he told me is going to hang out with his friend after school.  No, you are not.  You have school work to do.  I recapped his conversation with given timeframe.  I also reminded him that it is still a school night and he isn't going out.  And if he has all this time available, he can help paint his new bedroom (which also has every excuse why he hasn't helped). 

Meltdown began.  That I am so mean and he hates me.  This is all in the car as I am driving them to the bus stop because its raining.  Then he started sending me nasty texts.  I shut off his phone service.  I will not tolerate this level of disrespect.  His dad isn't home so its just me. 

Update:  I just spoke with DH.  He wants the service back on so he can talk to him about this morning.  We are considering sending him to his grandparents and he can work for his uncle for free. 

Holly_1007

gotta love teenagers! glad DH is intervening, hopefully the project gets competed on time! not like he can get an extension with the end of school a few days away!

xmaryrickx

Why are you micro-managing an 18 year old? He's 18, if he hasn't learned time management skills by now, he likely won't. Perhap instead of going To work for free for his uncle he should, you know, get a job that actually pays him so he can get a car, license, pay for his fun, his clothes, etc etc. 

kali55

I like the idea of your SS getting a job.  My parents allowed me to live at home rent free provided I was in school and not failing.  If he can't finish his project and get a passing mark, I would let him know that he will be expected to get a job and pay rent

fellesferie

What are the consequences for bad grades? At 18, the natural consequences (plus any positive reinforcement you offer) of getting good/bad grades should be enough incentive. 

Here is the strategy we plan to use with our kids once they are in middle school--

For As and Bs, we will give them money rewards. Just for the sake of simplicity, As might be $100 and Bs $50. They get nothing for Cs. For Ds and Fs, they have to give us money or work it off in the form of extra chores.

I had a psychology professor in college who recommended that. It was her philosophy that positive & negative reinforcement was better than punishment or micro-management.

By the time I was 18, I was in college. My parents had no knowledge at all of my school projects, much less any ability to discipline me for procrastinating.  

SueBear

If I was doing someone the FAVOR of driving them to school / bus stop in the rain and they started sending me nasty texts, you can bet I'd stop the car and they could march their *SS to the bus stop on their own.

But good for you for shutting off his phone service!  That is a great natural consequence of abusing his phone.  Not sure what to make of Dad's update......

I have mixed feelings about the project.  On one hand, I agree that flunking a final project (or needing to pull an all-nighter) is punishment enough, especially if you will not help him out with his last-minute "emergency."  On the other hand, I have a "my house, my rules" mentality, and if my kids want to go out whenever it pleases them, they can move out and pay rent.  And 18 year old is old enough for this!

lily_721

SS1 has a job.  My comment about working for his uncle was that it wasn't going to be a vacation at gramma's. 

DH spoke with SS1.  He was very apologetic about his behavior with me.  I explained that every house has different rules.  Work first; play second.  Other families allow other things. 

I think he was shocked that I suspended his phone.  I reminded him of all the things that I do for him; all the things he experienced in just last 24 hours.  I also told him how much his comments hurt me.