"Do you really want to be a single parent?"
Hi ladies. I've been lurking for awhile, and I think you are such a resilient, strong, amazing bunch of women. I decided to post today because I am seeking a sympathetic ear, and feeling really low.
My son was born in August 2010 and is the light of my life. My DH was a super disappointing dad and husband for the first 20 months of DS's life. Totally not supportive of me, and pretty disconnected from our little boy. It was the hardest 20 months of my life as I essentially raised DS by myself and worked full time. A few weeks ago, I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore and asked him to move out for awhile. This seemed to be a huge reality check for him and he suddenly agreed to go to counseling and started being the man he should have been a long time ago. I feel like all of it is too little, too late. I can't get any feelings of love back for him despite all of his effort.
When I was unhappy and wanted some time apart, my friends and family were totally supportive, and told me to ask for what I needed. Now that I did, and I'm discussing ending my marriage, I'm getting a lot of "are you sure you want to be a single parent?" type questions and it's just so frustrating. I don't know what to do. In my gut I know I can't stay with someone I don't love forever, but on the other hand, I really want my son to grow up in a home with two happy parents. For the two weeks that we were apart before DH insisted on moving back in, I was so peaceful, happy and relaxed. I know it would be difficult at times if we were to separate, but I also know I could do it. I feel guilty, though, about my marriage ending, not over anything huge, but because I can't fall back in love with my husband.
I don't know. Just having a bad day and would appreciate the wisdom of anyone who would like to chime in. Thank you.
Re: "Do you really want to be a single parent?"
Being a single parent isn't easy. There's no one to lean on. You have to do it all by yourself. Midnight feedings, emergency room visits, bad dreams, parent teacher conferences, etc. Then there's the part where you rarely get five minutes to yourself. That goes on for YEARS. BUT, when you're doing it, it doesn't seem that hard. IDK why. Maybe because we don't have a choice. Maybe because it's so rewarding. The relationship a single parent builds with their child is unique. No child will thrive in a negative environment. Sometimes, that means the child is better off in a single parent home than in a married home. You have to do what is right for you...because that ultimately affects what is right for the child. If that means walking away, and being a single mom, so be it. However, make sure you're leaving for the RIGHT reasons, and not because you're going through a rough patch.
Well, first off, of course you can do it, you can do anything you need to do to make your child happy, safe, and loved. Will it be hard, yes, but worth it.
Marriages don't have to end becasue of something "huge". They end for all kinds of reasons. You do what makes you happy and what you think it best for your son. I know I made the right decision and that I am so much happier now and because of that I can be the best mom I can be. I can stop wasting my time and attention on the mess I was married to and put it where it belongs...with my daughter.
You said you wanted your son to grow up in a home with 2 happy parents...if you stay, it doesn't seem like you will be happy...so is that really possible? He can have two happy parents, maybe just not under that same roof.
Just my two cents.
What I realized after my split is that no one can tell you what to do. I found that I took a lot of advice from people (family members and close friends) that didn't have to deal with the consequences or didn't know my relationship or ex intimately.
That being said everyone has life experiences that they can share with you that might help you come to your decesion. I personally feel that when your child is so young it really isn't a great time to make such a huge life decesion. To me this was an extremely stressful period what with my DS not sleeping throught the night for the first year and a half of his life, us trying to learn how to be a family and prioritize, losing a few babysitters and the constant stress of worrying about who would care for our son while we worked, possible post partum depression, etc.
I wish that my ex would have given our relationship another chance after we had sorted all these things out that happen in new families. And for us a blended family with so many layers of challenges.
People stay together for all sorts of reasons and split for all sorts of reasons. All I can tell you after having had three serious relationships (one marriage, and two engagements) is that EVERY relationship has it's ups and downs. I can guarantee you that if you leave your husband, sometime down the road you will be in a different relationship and have similar challenges you will have to either work through or give up. Only you can decided which you want to do. Your H has expressed a willingness to try to improve your relationship and my vote would be that your little family you have created deserves another chance. If you once loved and adored your H you can get that back. If you never did and you married for the wrong reasons then you probably already have your answer.
I could have written this post. Same. Here. What's been the hardest for me is realizing that this is forever. I will always have to share time with my kids and they will always have this back-and-forth life. But I totally get what you mean about feeling peaceful. I do too, despite the pain of all these changes. But everyone says it will get easier and become normal for them and me. Being single is very hard financially, and that scares me. But I know I can handle it. You can too. Try to surround yourself with people who are supportive. OBVIOUSLY you've thought this through, so it's not like you really need people telling you how it will be. I'm guessing you'd thought long and hard about it.
People have different opinions on happiness, of course. I for one realized that magic was never going to happen and that I couldn't live forever with a man who had been horrid to me for 11 years and whom I didn't love. So while the consequences of my decision are hard to deal with, I have to hope they'll get better for everyone and be worth it.
Essentially you've already been a single parent, it sounds like.
It's great that he wants to change/work on the marriage, but I would worry about those changes being sustained over the long term. I will freely admit that I'm jaded, but my husband betrayed me when our daughter was nine months old - I gave him another chance when he told me that he'd change, do anything to save our marriage, just give him the chance to prove it, etc. etc. and it was great for a few months, then he slipped right back into old behavior. (He is a good dad, not a good husband).
Just my .02. And if he really has decided he wants to be involved with your child, he can be involved after the divorce, too. Or you can separate and see what happens. If he really sustains the changes, there is nothing saying you can't take him back.
I would ignore the single parent part and focus on what you want from you/him/your marriage. Obviously you shouldn't stay married if you are miserable, but I believe that staying 'in love' long term is not realistic either. The relationship will ebb and flow over time, sometimes life will get hard and you'll feel disconnected, but the vows you took require both of you to work together to come back to a place where you are connected again. If you honestly feel you've given it your all, and you two are better off as co-parents and not spouses, then you can walk away freely and without guilt later in life knowing you did the right thing.
Having experienced the dating world as a single mom though, it's not all it's cracked up to be!
DD2 11.17.08
You don't need to stay with someone and "suffer" (for lack of a better word) just because you want your LOs parents to "be together". Your LO would want you to be happy.
Thank you ladies, for all the insight and for sharing your experiences. I feel sick over this every day. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of trying to work on our relationship for my son's sake, not mine. When I think about us separating and moving on, I feel a sense of relief. But on the other hand, when I think about the logistical stuff around getting divorced, it scares the crap out of me.
I never thought I'd be in this position and it sucks
We're going through the logistical stuff right now. It DOES suck. But it's the hard part, you get through it, and presumably it feels better after you are able to move on (I can't say for sure yet because I'm not there).
I really feel for you because it's so hard to be stuck in the limbo you're in now, neither all in or all out. All I can say is, I was there for a long time, but when I was done, I KNEW I was done, and I haven't once felt like we were doing the wrong thing, even though it is NOT what I wanted for my daughter. I feel like it was inevitable.
(((((HUGS)))))