If you have an open adoption....

jenbabe

Can you tell me more about your visits?  Do they take place in your home, a public place or do you plan an activity?  Did you feel protective at first, like even though its their baby maybe they don't know how to feed or burp or hold him/her the right way?  How soon is too soon for the first visit?  How frequently do you visit?

Our baby is due late July and we live 4 hours from the birthparents.  But we will be in their city mid August for a wedding.  I am considering asking them if they would like to meet while we are in town for the wedding but I'm not sure if its too soon and maybe I shouldn't mention we will be in town.  If it isn't too soon would it be a good idea to have them come to our hotel so it will be private and quiet or should we plan to meet in a public place?  We have already met them twice, will meet once more before the hospital and I think we're all pretty comfortable with each other.  I know every situation is different but just wondering if this is typical of an open adoption and if seeing the baby so soon would help or hurt them in their grieving process.

Patches08

I have a very open adoption with my DD.  Our first visit was about 3 weeks after birth (but my mom and I ran into Amom and DD out & about 2 days after placement - we live close by).  If you're going to be in town I think it would be nice to call and ask if BM wants to visit.  I don't think it's too soon... our first visit was at a restaurant.  Most visits nowadays are at their home, my home or a park (so the kids can play while we adults talk).  Our visits are every 3-4 months and have been pretty much since birth (almost 8 years ago).  

If I was your BM I'd love to meet for lunch the day after the wedding.   I think meeting a restaurant until you're more comfortable with each other is a good idea, it's not so much pressure for you or BM.

I'd love to write more but I'm off to work! 

Dr.Loretta

There is no typical, so it will be up to you to figure out the logistics of your particular situation. There does tend to be more contact in the initial months/years, and it can ebb over time.

We have a semi-open adoption. We send letters and pictures through our agency at predefined intervals, and we set up a blog just for DD's BM so she can get more frequent updates (I try to update at least once a week). We specified that we were open to 2 visits a year, and we still hold to that.

We meet in a public place each time we GTG. Once a year our agency has a picnic, and we typically also get together for lunch and a visit around the holidays.

We didn't feel protective at first. Our first visit was when DD was 3 months old. She had had a rough night, and we were walking zombies. DD's BM was clearly not comfortable around newborns, and gave the impression she had no idea what to do with this hot, squirmy thing who couldn't get comfortable. Now that DD is older and more interactive, they get to have a little more fun together

Seeing the baby that soon will likely help and hurt at the same time. I'd ask them if they're up for it, and see what they say. And give them the option to back out if they feel it wouldn't be a good idea as they get closer to the date. They may have one idea in their heads right now (and so will you), but after the birth/placement may feel differently one way or another. Recognize that going into it so you have some perspective.

Art Teacher

Our first visit was when dd was 6 months old and it took place in our home.  DD's birthmom had asked us about meeting at 3 months.  It was fine with us, but we were going to be out of town (around the holidays) and our available dates didn't work for her and her family.  No, I wouldn't say we felt "protective" about the way they would feed/burp/hold her.  We wanted them to be comfortable and we wanted them to see how well dd was doing. 

We agreed to 2 visits a year, but dd isn't even 3 yet and we'll have had 11 visits by the time we get together next month for her birthmom's b-day. 

Some visits have been in our home.  One visit in their home and for dd's birthmom's graduation.  One visit at the zoo and one at Chuck E Cheese.  We've also invited them to my parents' house for dd's birthday parties.

I think you have to do what's best for you.  I think it would be wonderful for you to ask them if they'd like to meet up with you.  Maybe ask if they would prefer the hotel or a public place.  Personally I think I would have preferred the hotel because it's quieter, but that's just my opinion.  Let us know what you decide and what happens!

kmkaull2

jenbabe:

 I know every situation is different but just wondering if this is typical of an open adoption and if seeing the baby so soon would help or hurt them in their grieving process.

I worried about this too.  It will likely be bittersweet for them, but I would definitely give them a call and see if they'd like to meet up for a bit.  I really didn't feel over-protective . . . probably because we felt confident in our role.

 As for visits now, we have a very open adoption.  Our son sees his birth grandma a few times a month.  She comes here, he goes there for play dates (we get a date night!), and he's even slept over a couple of times.  His birthmom lives 7 hours away, so we do not see her as often.  She usually comes here.  We had no script or contract for what our open adoption was going to look like.  We all just agreed to see how things evolved.  In time, we really grew to trust and love his birth family as our own.  My advice is to keep your heart and mind open.  

Good luck with your match!

silliestbunny

My advice is to not make a decision yet.  This sort of thing can be a last minute decision.... see how things feel to you in the moment. 

Our triad wasn't ready for a vist so soon... and that's okay.  You've got to do what you think is best for all of you... including you.  As a new mom, you may be tapped out energy-wise and not have anything more to give than your brief trip for a wedding... it may not be about adoption at all.  Rather just being tired.. and that's okay. 

steph196

We have a very open adoption. DD's BM came over to our house for her first visit 2 days after leaving the hospital. She has been over to our house or we have gone to her house 5 times in the last 2 months. I know that this will start dwindling over the years, but seeing the baby has really helped her BM to heal. I always ask her BM if she wants to feed her and I make sure that she gets lots of opportunities to hold her and talk to her while we are visiting. 

I would wait a bit to see how things go. We were open to quite a bit, but had no idea we would end up with a BM who was a friend rather than just DD's BM, so we spend a lot of time together.

Jenn is Silly

silliestbunny:

My advice is to not make a decision yet.  This sort of thing can be a last minute decision.... see how things feel to you in the moment. 

This is my advice too.  I'd wait and see how it goes, and if its something you're all ready for