Really having to dig deep here...

kellyrn9956

We are deciding on our preferences and tolerances. This is so hard for us. First, the idea that we get to specify "preferences" bothers me. How do you choose to accept one race, and not another? How much drug use/tobacco use/alcohol use will you accept? How do you differentiate between mild, moderate, and severe special needs?

And even more huge, how do you decide the openness of your adoption?

I'm mostly venting here. I know that the rational answer is to  be brutally honest with yourself about yourself, your partner, your community, and your family. But man, it's such a fine balance. Accepting anything, and you might open yourself up to serious struggles. Accept too little, and you may pigeon-hole yourself so tight that you're waiting for years.

Man, does this process test you as a human being.

jenbabe

Its definitely hard, we decided to go just a little outside our comfort zone.  Not so far that we couldn't accept it but far enough to open ourselves up and allow for the opportunity.  I wanted to say no to a fully open adoption but I'm so glad I didn't.  At the time I didn't know enough about it and was falling for a lot of misconceptions the world has out there but now that I've done research and we are involved in one, I totally think its the only way to go. 

As for the other stuff we just said what we were comfortable with at the time and that we could always change our  minds later.  We accepted that we have absolutely no control over the situation and in the end we will end up with whatever child we were meant to have. 

My best advice is do some research, follow your instinct and surrender accept that you don't have control over it.   

lady_chance_99

We left a lot fo situations open because we felt like we could take it on a case by case basis of what we are comfortable with. Having said that though, we are also foster/adopt so... perhaps our situation is a little different? I would think the basics would be the same though, if you found out a prespective child had an impairment that you were not comfortable with you could (no matter how hard it would be) always choose to say no- right? That was kind of what we did as far as that. We only really ruled out things that were 100% out of our league, like babies with breathing disorders- I knew I would never get any sleep always wondering if they were okay... it just wasn't something I was prepared to handle... GL

Patches08

Hi! I remembers you from TTGP... I'm a birthmom and have an open adoption with my daughter. I just wanted to welcome you and please feel free to ask as many questions about open adoption as you have. It's such an amazing thing. Good luck and best wishes in your journey over here in the adoption world!

kellyrn9956

Thanks ladies! The open vs closed issue is tough for us. H's adoption is closed, so I think that he was a tough time wrapping his head around fully open adoption. It's going to take some time for discussion, and we'll have to soul search. But I'm confident that we will come to the right conclusion for us.

Patches, I'll definitely be picking your brain for perspective!

ellekae

I went through the EXACT same thing... wrote about it on my blog. It feels so weird to specify stuff like that, like it's discrimination. But PPs are right, I guess. You have to be clear and upfront about what you are able to handle. Still, it is hard to get that specific!

Art Teacher

We had lots of talks about what we would agree to...we discussed our family and adding a child into it.  We talked about drug use/alcohol use with our doctor and looked at research online.  We were told that our wait could be very very long if we said no drugs/no alcohol.  There were some drugs that we flat out said no to and then others where we said mild usage was something we could handle. 

Openness -- we decided to have an open adoption if that's what the birthparents who chose us wanted.  We weren't sure about it until we spoke with our caseworker about it (her daughters adoptions are open) and until we heard a couple and their child's birthmom speak at a meeting.  We knew it was what we wanted at that point (even though, yes, we were still a little nervous.)

I write about it on my blog if you're interested.  We have an open adoption with our 2 1/2 year old's birthmom

MagickalNarwhal

It was a difficult choice for sure. One thing I really like about our agency is that they let you specify your general feelings, but every time an expectant woman/couple was ready to look at books, the agency sent a basic profile on them and we got to say yes show our book or no don't show it. For that reason, we felt more comfortable being open in our "general preferences" since it wasn't set in stone. 

It also helped me to shift from thinking about the choice as one of "discriminating" as to who was acceptable as a family member to thinking about what type if child we could parent well given our particular family. I think people do an incredible disservice to kids when they accept a match that they aren't able to parent. For example, we said no to an African American match because we live in a pretty white community (and the diversity we have doesn't include a large AA community) AND we both have slightly racist families. I felt like it would be unethical to accept a match for a child who would grow up in a family and community like that. 

As it turned out, the match we ended up with was one that was actually outside our initial preferences. But I can't imagine any other situation now! So, the process can surprise you. Be honest, don't answer the way you think you "should" answer. But allow yourself to consider traveling a little outside your immediate comfort zone and educating yourself as much as possible. 

Dr.Loretta

It was an eye-opening experience for us. I think it brought DH and I closer together to talk about the big issues associated with preferences.

silliestbunny

I hear you... it's tough.

A couple of thoughts that may help--

1- Our children that came to us through adoption will have to deal w/their identity at some point.  Some pre-teen/teens have a harder time than others... and that's okay.  But it's important to recognize that our kids may have a little more identity development than their peers. While this isn't always the case, it may be... and keeping this hurdle in mind may help you realize that it's okay to choose special needs accordingly.  What I mean is that it does feel odd to get to pick and choose options for what you will be able to parent... but this journey also comes with an added responsibility to parent through our children's identity journeys too. 

2-  You can always change these filters.  You can always turn down situations.  All of these decisions can be altered as your mind and heart changes.  Don't let it become an overwhelming task. 

 

meganroselee

Hi Kelly, 

It really is tough.  When my husband and I were filling out the preference forms we really struggled with these questions.  You obviously know that only you can answer what it right for you but sometimes it helps to know the decisions that others made. 1. Race-- we opted for biracial (black/white) only because that represents our respective races.  Be honest with this one, not everyone is meant for transracial adoption. 2.  Drug/Alcohol exposure-- we opted for none.  Esp alcohol. 3. Family history- the only definitive was no history of schizophrenia.  My brother's mom is schizophrenic, my other brother was diagnosed as schizotypal personality and we knew we didn't want to deal with this.    4. Openess- we wanted semi open, consisting of letters and pics only no visits.  Our current situation is  semi open--- pics, emails texts and one visit a year (we have already met up twice this year)    I still struggle with this in retrospect wish that I had been more firm in a semi open match.  I cant regret it as agreeing to a visit a year brought me my son, but I would be lying if I said the degree of openess wasn't a bit much for *me* 

The bottom line is don't feel bad about what it right for you, this will be your child for the rest of your life.  Literally days before our second match I talked to my husband about changing our criteria because like you, I was afraid of waiting for years. Please don't be afraid, stick to what you know is right for you.  Best of luck!